Why are middle school girls so mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They usually have catty mothers.

This is what I see in my kid's peer group (mixed b/g)

Yes to catty moms and sisters and typically no brothers.

Beware the mom of all girls. These moms are social engineers and hyper competitive among their own mom friends.

Can you explain to me how having brothers prevents girls from being mean? And how hyper competitive social engineering moms have only girls? I thought the sex of a child was determined by genetics, not personality.

NP, it’s hard to explain. I’m a last born with three brothers. Within friendships I have consistently found that girlfriends who have sisters always find a way to let me know I’m “less than.” There is a superiority that comes w/ knowing you have built-in bffs to fall back on. Older sisters also means you have access to information. Older sisters know what’s cool, they know what happens at a school dance, the know what is made of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They usually have catty mothers.

This is what I see in my kid's peer group (mixed b/g)

Yes to catty moms and sisters and typically no brothers.

Beware the mom of all girls. These moms are social engineers and hyper competitive among their own mom friends.

Can you explain to me how having brothers prevents girls from being mean? And how hyper competitive social engineering moms have only girls? I thought the sex of a child was determined by genetics, not personality.

NP, it’s hard to explain. I’m a last born with three brothers. Within friendships I have consistently found that girlfriends who have sisters always find a way to let me know I’m “less than.” There is a superiority that comes w/ knowing you have built-in bffs to fall back on. Older sisters also means you have access to information. Older sisters know what’s cool, they know what happens at a school dance, the know what is made of.

x100000

Yes to all of this. The moms of all girls are the absolute worst, and they effortlessly turn it up to 11.

[Anonymous]

I have two sisters and I’m a mom to two girls. I think the moms who typecast people with sisters and moms of girls as being drama queens are ironically the drama queens. It’s like women who insist they can only get along with men and not other women because they can’t stand drama. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two sisters and I’m a mom to two girls. I think the moms who typecast people with sisters and moms of girls as being drama queens are ironically the drama queens. It’s like women who insist they can only get along with men and not other women because they can’t stand drama. Why is that?

Huh? agree with both of your statements. There are drama queens here massively generalizing about "evil moms of only girls". And there are people, unlikely to be those same drama queens, who also get along with no-drama boys or men. bfd. there are females the same way.

[Anonymous]

If you have MS kids, but especially girls, I really recommend reading up on relational aggression: https://www.verywellfamily.com/relational-aggression-bullying-460498

And I agree with PPs that teachers and schools can help address it by calling it out. The reason this type of bullying is so insidious is that it doesn’t look like stereotypical bullying. It rarely involves kids openly stating that they don’t like another kid or being directly aggressive or threatening. While that kind of bullying can be scary, it is also much easier to address because you can easily identify the problem behavior. Plus there is actually something good about being able to clearly state your feelings, even if that feeling is “I don’t like Larlo he’s lame.” It’s direct, at least.

But relational aggression can mess you up in really horrible ways. That’s when the kid says, “Oh I loooove Larla, I just think it’s weird how much time she spends in the science lab. OMG do you think she has a thing for the bio teacher? That would be so funny!” It’s passive aggressive, it’s gaslighting, it’s gossip. But it often looks and feels like idle chatter and adults ignore it all the time (plus a LOT of adults act just like this all the time). A kid being targeted this way winds up feeling doubly isolated, both by the bullying itself and by the fact that no one seems to notice or care that it’s happening. It is terrible.

Anyway, if you have a MS kid, learn to recognize what this looks like. Ask questions. Don’t let your kids play dumb about it. And if your kid is being bullied this way, BELIEVE THEM when they tell you. You might not be able to stop the bullying, but you can at least ensure your child doesn’t have to suffer alone. Even just acknowledging that this is bullying, that it’s wrong, might give your kid the confidence to stand up to it, or to walk away from it.

[Anonymous]

I was mean in 6th grade thru 8th grade. I liked starting stuff and watching fights and also wanted dominance, so I tried to start a girl gang. I also loved making people do bad stuff when I know they did not want to so I could put the blame on them. I was truly horrible. When I go to high school, I found my niche and chilled out. I still like to be in a group of girl's who party or are having a good time. But, I only take leadership when wanted or warranted.

My eldest DD is quiet, unique and has her own tribe and I love it! My youngest is like me and I like that too. I do make sure to do empathy training with her and make sure she does not end up honing her mean girl qualities.

I think I did it because I was bored and had very low self-esteem. I still struggle with it. I had a few accidents and was damaged and people treated me so different after the accident's. Eventually, those scars disappeared but the internal one's did not. I like to be emotionless and cold to hide my real feelings and know that this is horrible but I am in neverending counseling for this. I do feel bad for causing all those kid's when I was growing up pain. Even adults. I made some adults feel terrible because of my mean behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was mean in 6th grade thru 8th grade. I liked starting stuff and watching fights and also wanted dominance, so I tried to start a girl gang. I also loved making people do bad stuff when I know they did not want to so I could put the blame on them. I was truly horrible. When I go to high school, I found my niche and chilled out. I still like to be in a group of girl's who party or are having a good time. But, I only take leadership when wanted or warranted.

My eldest DD is quiet, unique and has her own tribe and I love it! My youngest is like me and I like that too. I do make sure to do empathy training with her and make sure she does not end up honing her mean girl qualities.

I think I did it because I was bored and had very low self-esteem. I still struggle with it. I had a few accidents and was damaged and people treated me so different after the accident's. Eventually, those scars disappeared but the internal one's did not. I like to be emotionless and cold to hide my real feelings and know that this is horrible but I am in neverending counseling for this. I do feel bad for causing all those kid's when I was growing up pain. Even adults. I made some adults feel terrible because of my mean behavior.

🤮

[Anonymous]

lots of mean posters here. i wonder why. 😄

[Anonymous]

I was bullied horribly in 7th grade. I could also be less than nice to others but wasn’t a bully. I was pretty weird and small.
My daughter acquired a “frenemy” in 3rd grade - one minute best friends and the next the girl calling her stupid or excluding her. My daughter was a bit of a follower as well and would join in with this girl doing these things to other people. She actually talked to me about all of it and I told her that friends shouldn’t make you feel bad and that she should apologize for being mean (she felt bad). I let her know that I’d prefer her not be friends with this girl but that, ultimately, it was up to her.
I also gave her a bunch of Judy Blume books, beginning with Blubber. I told her all of this was normal and 6th/7th grade will probably be rough and maybe it was good for her to have this experience when she was younger to learn how people can be and who she wants to be.
I modified the adage “When someone shows you who they are, believe them” to apply to her “friend”.
This year her teacher assigned an essay on something that defines and/or changed who you are and my daughter chose how she handled the situation with the girl - that she finally told the girl she couldn’t be friends with her (third time was the charm) and was happier eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was mean in 6th grade thru 8th grade. I liked starting stuff and watching fights and also wanted dominance, so I tried to start a girl gang. I also loved making people do bad stuff when I know they did not want to so I could put the blame on them. I was truly horrible. When I go to high school, I found my niche and chilled out. I still like to be in a group of girl's who party or are having a good time. But, I only take leadership when wanted or warranted.

My eldest DD is quiet, unique and has her own tribe and I love it! My youngest is like me and I like that too. I do make sure to do empathy training with her and make sure she does not end up honing her mean girl qualities.

I think I did it because I was bored and had very low self-esteem. I still struggle with it. I had a few accidents and was damaged and people treated me so different after the accident's. Eventually, those scars disappeared but the internal one's did not. I like to be emotionless and cold to hide my real feelings and know that this is horrible but I am in neverending counseling for this. I do feel bad for causing all those kid's when I was growing up pain. Even adults. I made some adults feel terrible because of my mean behavior.

🤮

+1. I guess it’s great that PP is honest but she sounds like a sociopath. People like this shouldn’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They usually have catty mothers.

This is what I see in my kid's peer group (mixed b/g)

Yes to catty moms and sisters and typically no brothers.

Beware the mom of all girls. These moms are social engineers and hyper competitive among their own mom friends.

Can you explain to me how having brothers prevents girls from being mean? And how hyper competitive social engineering moms have only girls? I thought the sex of a child was determined by genetics, not personality.

NP, it’s hard to explain. I’m a last born with three brothers. Within friendships I have consistently found that girlfriends who have sisters always find a way to let me know I’m “less than.” There is a superiority that comes w/ knowing you have built-in bffs to fall back on. Older sisters also means you have access to information. Older sisters know what’s cool, they know what happens at a school dance, the know what is made of.

Yeah this might just be your insecurity. Sorry. I know lots of women from female only families that are proper "girl's girls"- ride or die for the women in their life- including friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They usually have catty mothers.

This is what I see in my kid's peer group (mixed b/g)

Yes to catty moms and sisters and typically no brothers.

Beware the mom of all girls. These moms are social engineers and hyper competitive among their own mom friends.

Can you explain to me how having brothers prevents girls from being mean? And how hyper competitive social engineering moms have only girls? I thought the sex of a child was determined by genetics, not personality.

NP, it’s hard to explain. I’m a last born with three brothers. Within friendships I have consistently found that girlfriends who have sisters always find a way to let me know I’m “less than.” There is a superiority that comes w/ knowing you have built-in bffs to fall back on. Older sisters also means you have access to information. Older sisters know what’s cool, they know what happens at a school dance, the know what is made of.

I have an older sister but she was always hopelessly uncool. She had no inside information for me and, alas, I too fell victim to the middle school mean girls. I think it’s definitely a factor, though, as the two queen bees that immediately come to mind in my DD’s life both have popular older sisters and busy body moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was mean in 6th grade thru 8th grade. I liked starting stuff and watching fights and also wanted dominance, so I tried to start a girl gang. I also loved making people do bad stuff when I know they did not want to so I could put the blame on them. I was truly horrible. When I go to high school, I found my niche and chilled out. I still like to be in a group of girl's who party or are having a good time. But, I only take leadership when wanted or warranted.

My eldest DD is quiet, unique and has her own tribe and I love it! My youngest is like me and I like that too. I do make sure to do empathy training with her and make sure she does not end up honing her mean girl qualities.

I think I did it because I was bored and had very low self-esteem. I still struggle with it. I had a few accidents and was damaged and people treated me so different after the accident's. Eventually, those scars disappeared but the internal one's did not. I like to be emotionless and cold to hide my real feelings and know that this is horrible but I am in neverending counseling for this. I do feel bad for causing all those kid's when I was growing up pain. Even adults. I made some adults feel terrible because of my mean behavior.

🤮

+1. I guess it’s great that PP is honest but she sounds like a sociopath. People like this shouldn’t have kids.

This

[Anonymous]

I don't have an answer, but I agree, they can be really mean. My son and his friends would sometimes tell me of horrible things girls would say to other girls in the lunchroom. Often ended up with someone crying in the bathroom

I do want to point out that although I'm sure some mean moms have mean daughters, it is not always the case. My dear friend is seriously the nicest, kindest person I know. We've been friends since HS and even then she was the most inclusive, friendly person in HS (way nicer than me, I only wanted to hang out with our friends, but she always tried to bring outsiders into the group). Well, her daughter is a queen bee and can be so nasty. My daughter, who is plenty popular, is terrified of getting on her wrong side because she has seen ostracize many girls, and everyone else just follows her. My friend absolutely has noticed this, has gotten calls from other parents, etc. It mortifies her, but it is really hard to "control" this as a parent.

[Anonymous]

PP last born 3 bros. I’m not saying “all girls with sisters...” I’m trying to explain this phenomenon that many ppl have recognized wherein mean girls have older sisters. I look at it as a “levels of power” situation. The first 2 mean girls I encountered in 6th grade were youngest w/ 1 older brother. The 3 major mean girls I encountered in 7th-high school were youngest w/ sisters. The difference is the power of information and security. Brother mean girls would eventually grovel when they realized they had gone too far. Sister mean girls would never have to grovel because if they went too far and were excluded for being too mean they could say “I don’t need to be invited to your sleepover, my cool, older sisters are taking me out to do something cooler/better.” Brother mean girls don’t have someone teaching them specific things to be judgmental about. Sister mean girls have someone at home saying “if you wear that to school you’ll look stupid” translation “anyone who wears that looks stupid and I should tell them they look stupid because my sister who is older and therefor an authority on what’s cool said so...”
I know it’s not exclusively girls with older sisters who end up this way, it’s that many of us have noticed that girls who are the most powerful in the position of mean girl frequently have older sisters.
One of my bffs in high school was a total Marcia Brady, her younger sister could have very easily been a viscous mean girl but she didn’t end up that way, she was a total Jan Brady. Equally, another friend had an older sister who was a hopeless dork so she was out there figuring things out on her own, and frequently reminding us how dorky her older sister was, imagine what she would have been like the power of a Marcia Brady sister...