Why are middle school girls so mean?

[Anonymous]

I was a mean girl in middle school and I am so sorry about it and all the things I did and said. There was also a culture of mean girls at my middle school so it did feel like a survive or get destroyed environment.

I payed dearly for it and karma got me. Toward the end of middle school I developed an eating disorder and was overwhelmed with anxiety and depression that took the next decade to get a hold of.

But to answer the question - I think I became a mean girl during middle school because I had been struggling for years already. I didn’t have a home life that was supportive in any way. I was always told I was the bad sister by my mom, she seemed to hate me for some reason. My only source for comfort had been my friends through elementary school. When I got into middle school I noticed my peers turning their attention to boys and puberty related stuff. The girls just got more catty, their comments more aggressive, and everything was a competition. I think I projected all of my sadness and anger about my home life, combined with anxiety about puberty and friends changing, and stress from competitiveness that was coming out socially and academically at school into trying to “stay on top”. I was so miserable and I dealt with it by judging others about things I was struggling with myself. I did not have any of this insight back then so it was just a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

That means you were probably one of the mean girls.

No I have to disagree.iddle wasn't bad for me either. Just because it wasn't bad for some of us does not mean we were mean girls, we were just fortunate. Anyway, I still because it's so awful for some don't even think it should exist.

I was bullied some in middle school but I agree with this. There were girls in my class that weren't mean. You had the bullies on top, the bullied on the bottom, but there were some girls in the middle who kept their heads down and sailed through. Too bad they don't stand up for the bullied.

[Anonymous]

It's a horrible time for kids generally. I don't know if boys pick on each other as much directly, but have definitely caught my son making excuses to try to avoid hanging out with a kid that lives near us that he views as uncool. I've spoken to him multiple times about kindness, but his response is that he isn't being unkind - he's being polite, but doesn't want to be friends.

That isn't necessarily bullying. Yes, it would be ideal if all kids could just get along and play/hang out with everyone but that isn't realistic. As long as your son is being polite "sorry, something suddenly came up and I can't hang out with you today" and not being mean to the kid "you are so lame! I don't want to hang out with you", that is normal and shouldn't be construed as bullying or even being mean.

Oh, I 100 percent agree that it isn't bullying, but I do think it is being a bit mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The meanest girls usually have older sisters.

^ 100%

Very interesting. I only have boys, no middle school drama or mean behavior, but my younger son was incredibly physical with other kids. Sports saved us.

[Anonymous]

Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons is a really good resource for this.

In many ways, kids are trying to define their social groups. That definition comes from pushing folks out and claiming power. Those who are some of the meanest end up being fairly central to their social groups.

It's not always that they have stuff going on elsewhere -- that's a trope that needs to end (especially as it can lead to schools and parents ignoring really hurtful behavior)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The meanest girls usually have older sisters.

^ 100%

Very interesting. I only have boys, no middle school drama or mean behavior, but my younger son was incredibly physical with other kids. Sports saved us.

I have one of each, and while the psychological drama is heightened with the girls, I’ve seen some pretty awful stuff from the boys, too. Generally the athletic ones picking on the ones not into sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They usually have catty mothers.

This is what I see in my kid's peer group (mixed b/g)

Yes to catty moms and sisters and typically no brothers.

Beware the mom of all girls. These moms are social engineers and hyper competitive among their own mom friends.

I've noticed this too. My SIL is like this. I have boys and I'm way too exhausted from all the energy to even care about the social pecking order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

That means you were probably one of the mean girls.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

That means you were probably one of the mean girls.

+1

Oh come on. I'm not that poster, but I had an ok time in MS too. I was not popular at all, I was smart and nerdy. A few instances of meanness to me here or there, but nothing traumatic. It was stressful only in that I sometimes wondered if people would start bullying me, but it didn't happen. I went to a large school where it was possible to just get lost in the crowd.

This kind of question attracts answers who were definitely affected by MS, but it doesn't mean that the world is separated into mean girls and those who were bullied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

That means you were probably one of the mean girls.

+1

Oh come on. I'm not that poster, but I had an ok time in MS too. I was not popular at all, I was smart and nerdy. A few instances of meanness to me here or there, but nothing traumatic. It was stressful only in that I sometimes wondered if people would start bullying me, but it didn't happen. I went to a large school where it was possible to just get lost in the crowd.

This kind of question attracts answers who were definitely affected by MS, but it doesn't mean that the world is separated into mean girls and those who were bullied.

This X 1 million. I was a "late bloomer", not fashionable, nerdy, awkward, hadn't found my confidence, etc. I was not bullied, though there were some meanness as there is for everyone. Some girls were generally nice to everyone. The bullies had other targets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

That means you were probably one of the mean girls.

+1

Oh come on. I'm not that poster, but I had an ok time in MS too. I was not popular at all, I was smart and nerdy. A few instances of meanness to me here or there, but nothing traumatic. It was stressful only in that I sometimes wondered if people would start bullying me, but it didn't happen. I went to a large school where it was possible to just get lost in the crowd.

This kind of question attracts answers who were definitely affected by MS, but it doesn't mean that the world is separated into mean girls and those who were bullied.

Well, it does separate into mean girls, bullied victims, and those who knew about the bullying but did nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

That means you were probably one of the mean girls.

+1

Oh come on. I'm not that poster, but I had an ok time in MS too. I was not popular at all, I was smart and nerdy. A few instances of meanness to me here or there, but nothing traumatic. It was stressful only in that I sometimes wondered if people would start bullying me, but it didn't happen. I went to a large school where it was possible to just get lost in the crowd.

This kind of question attracts answers who were definitely affected by MS, but it doesn't mean that the world is separated into mean girls and those who were bullied.

How was that ok? Oppressed, wondering if you would be bullied, having to be lost in the crowd... Sounds like misery.

[Anonymous]

Wow this is really depressing and scary.

I didn't like middle school much but I definitely wasn't ever targeted by anyone. I remember being scared on the bus, scared in the dining hall, scared in the hallways... I went to a huge 7-12 magnet and I was young for the grade, so truly my biggest memory is my fear. That said, no one ever picked on me ever. I do remember a boy, who in retrospect was possibly on the spectrum, being laughed at on the bus. Nothing physical and mostly behind his back but it was cruel and I am so ashamed that I didn't do anything about it. I had a big group of generally nice kind of nerdy friends and socially everything was relatively easy.

In sum, looking back, I thought it was a terrible, self-conscious, awkward age but didn't realize that so many people were bullied!

[Anonymous]

So how do I help my son to not be the target? He is cute and fit, but not too sporty and a bit nerdy. He is free to choose whatever brands he wants to wear (doesn’t have much interest yet, 5th grade).
He is smart but not an excellent student. He is up to speed with all the memes and videogames lol.
I try to be supportive of him at home but it looks like so many kids just suffer in silence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

That means you were probably one of the mean girls.

+1

Oh come on. I'm not that poster, but I had an ok time in MS too. I was not popular at all, I was smart and nerdy. A few instances of meanness to me here or there, but nothing traumatic. It was stressful only in that I sometimes wondered if people would start bullying me, but it didn't happen. I went to a large school where it was possible to just get lost in the crowd.

This kind of question attracts answers who were definitely affected by MS, but it doesn't mean that the world is separated into mean girls and those who were bullied.

How was that ok? Oppressed, wondering if you would be bullied, having to be lost in the crowd... Sounds like misery.

Well, I didn't think about it all the time. I had school subjects to think about, and family and other things I was doing. I had a group of friends who were neither the cool group nor the very uncool group, and we were good friends and sometimes we had conflict but most times we got along. If you asked me at the time, I would say yeah, sometimes I worried but it didn't dominate my thoughts.

Is that not the case in most stages of life? There are a lot of things going on at the same time. If you had a co-worker who you had conflict with, it might cause you stress sometime, but did you think about it 24/7?