If You Are Significantly Smarter Than Your Spouse...

[Anonymous]

I was a lot smarter than my spouse. I thought we complimented one another- I mean, someone has to be smarter.

He’s my ex spouse now, will not spend time with the intellectually lazy again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me and my husband. I wouldn’t choose the wording you did but I enjoy having conversations about intellectually stimulating topics where my husband likes to talk about more concrete topics like household repairs, funny stories from the past, etc. He watches those shows like Rediculousness and other YouTube/TikTok type collections of funny videos. I went through a phase of feeling frustrated and embarrassed about his seeming lack of intelligent conversation but after a recent health crisis, I’ve realized that he is a good man who is very smart and just doesn’t find enjoyment in the same podcasts, documentaries and books that I do. It’s all about finding common interests. We both are very interested in true crime and cooking/baking. We also both love to hike. I have great friends who engage with me about other topics.

OP here. Thanks for sharing this. This is helpful. I'm starting to feel more and more that COVID is likely heightening my feelings. I haven't been able to spend time with any but one of my good friends in over a year, so I'm missing out on some of those social intellectually stimulating convos. We used to do zoom friend meetings, but we're mostly all zoomed out these days. Hopefully summer will allow for more COVID safe socializing that will help me feel this gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this in my brother's marriage. She is not a critical thinker and during some discussions, he'll roll his eyes. Yet they are happily married.

I don't know if I could do the same, it would be hard for me if I considered my DH dumb. I caution the same to my kids, intelligence should be a high priority in relationships - dumb can't be fixed.

If you could go back in time, would you marry him again? If yes, try focusing on his good traits, and how he carries his weight in other ways.

The reality is that 60 or so years ago, when women had far less access to education, educated men often had less educated wives. Some may have been very smart I am sure and some probably were not. And the gender roles obviously were rigid so in addition to her often working to help pay his way through law school or mba ( ) after he graduated she stayed home and cooked, ran the entire house , raised the children, etc not exactly activities that stimulated intellectual growth at that time, while he continued to chart his course in his stimulating professional world around other educated people. If such a husband then frequently did eye rolls around how intellectually limited she was I think we would all think he was really quite a jerk. Some of our husbands more than pulled their weight working while we advanced professionally and educationally. Mine did, and I have a respect and gratitude for him for it that underlies everything. I am "smarter" in part because he helped me and hopefully I help him. To then fault him for not knowing as much would be pretty cold and terrible. Try not to take your husband for granted Op. If he is so lacking in depth and curiosity that you are dying inside then that's a problem. If this is the result of you both being cloistered together during covid and him getting on your nerves excessively because you have lost your typical access to mental stimulation and you find him a little boring, that is a different thing. Only you can answer that.

Thanks for this perspective. I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me and my husband. I wouldn’t choose the wording you did but I enjoy having conversations about intellectually stimulating topics where my husband likes to talk about more concrete topics like household repairs, funny stories from the past, etc. He watches those shows like Rediculousness and other YouTube/TikTok type collections of funny videos. I went through a phase of feeling frustrated and embarrassed about his seeming lack of intelligent conversation but after a recent health crisis, I’ve realized that he is a good man who is very smart and just doesn’t find enjoyment in the same podcasts, documentaries and books that I do. It’s all about finding common interests. We both are very interested in true crime and cooking/baking. We also both love to hike. I have great friends who engage with me about other topics.

I totally get this and have the same experience. I don't know where other women find their handsome, sexually fabulous, highly evolved, monogamous, deeply intelligent male dreamboats who want to have deep conversations with them in an ongoing long marriage. I am married to a mortal man, and a smart person,, as are most of our friends, and we all have moments where they are disappointing, intellectually or in their patience level or their wandering eye or a whole bunch of possible ways. No one gets it all in a partner and there is never a complete match.

This is true. And my friends that are waiting for that guy are now 40 and single.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.

Truthfully, when you deal with very important things all day it’s really hard to have banal discussions. Everything seems superficial.

I would posit that unintelligent folks are disproportionately drawn to police work, not that police work leaves them too drained to think logically.

Well an assumption is not fact and I posit your assumption is a common one. But when you come home from work after seeing the inside on somebody’s brain, it’s really hard to feign interest in “intellectual” discussions.

I agree. As a civilian (attorney) who works with police, I haven't run into many dumb cops. Locally, in particular, there are cops who are also lawyers, CPAs, even teachers. There are ones who are very skilled in IT work too, especially the ones who do IT forensics to extract info from cell phones, etc. If they have worked their way up the ranks a bit, they also often have masters degrees. I know quite a few who are taking language lessons at night, too. From Spanish to Mandarin to Farsi.

However, the stress is outrageous and critical mental health support is often lacking. There may be a lot going on there, with a culture that historically doesn't want to admit to issues like depression and anxiety, as well as a severe lack of qualified therapists who actually understand what police work does to people. A cop could go talk to any run of the mill therapist and just roll their eyes over the person's complete cluelessness of what they face each day.

Most cops do not see the inside of someone’s brain most days. Cops face LOTS of trauma, but it doesn’t help your argument to exaggerate. An officer in the community policing unity particularly shouldn’t be seeing the inside of anyone’s brain. But they do get exposed to a lot of sadness and poverty and grief that they can’t fix, which is traumatizing. And many police officers are practical by nature (they are doers), which could be part of him not enjoying intellectual conversations. The two partners might just be mismatched in that way.

It doesn’t help your argument to minimize the trauma they experience.

It’s just facts that “intellectual” conversations after experiencing real life all day seems very banal. OP thinks it’s so interesting and intellectual but you put that next to removing 3 kids from a home because their mom is passed out in a car with them with a needle in her arm ... intellectual... not really.

Also why not allow some self care of watching mindless videos, why judge it?

OP here. Self care is a good perspective. I definitely watch lots of reality tv for mental breaks. We actually watch a few shows together. But these days, that's it. If it's not about the kids and sports sometimes, we have nothing to talk about. And when I try, I feel like he isn't capturing what I'm saying- at all. But as others have said, perfect relationships don't exist.

[Anonymous]

Here's a more illustrative example. I'm not placing a judgment call on it, just sharing.
I woke up this morning and told DH that I had a dream last night that I had moved to Myanmar and I was managing an unaccompanied minors shelter. He didn't feign interest in what I shared, which is fine, but shared that he had a dream that someone moved all of his tools into the street and they became covered in snow and he had to dig them out. We're just different. 😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

DH gets on my nerves. Most spouses are annoying in one way or another.

If DH came to me after a loooong day and wanted to have some intellectually stimulating conversation, I would be so annoyed. I am just trying to get through the day.

DH and I are both Ivy educated smart human beings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a more illustrative example. I'm not placing a judgment call on it, just sharing.
I woke up this morning and told DH that I had a dream last night that I had moved to Myanmar and I was managing an unaccompanied minors shelter. He didn't feign interest in what I shared, which is fine, but shared that he had a dream that someone moved all of his tools into the street and they became covered in snow and he had to dig them out. We're just different. 😂😂😂

Seriously? This isn’t a good real-life example with real-world implications.

[Anonymous]

No. DH and I are well matched. He is a STEM major, I am Humanities. Our interests are different but we both love to have share and discuss all sorts of things. Come to think of it, he is my favorite person and best friend and I love spending time with him.

Married for 30 years. Dated for 6 yrs. In our mid-50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a more illustrative example. I'm not placing a judgment call on it, just sharing.
I woke up this morning and told DH that I had a dream last night that I had moved to Myanmar and I was managing an unaccompanied minors shelter. He didn't feign interest in what I shared, which is fine, but shared that he had a dream that someone moved all of his tools into the street and they became covered in snow and he had to dig them out. We're just different. 😂😂😂

Talking about someone’s dreams has got to be one of the most boring things ever. I wouldn’t be able to feign interest, either. Maybe come up with more interesting things to discuss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a more illustrative example. I'm not placing a judgment call on it, just sharing.
I woke up this morning and told DH that I had a dream last night that I had moved to Myanmar and I was managing an unaccompanied minors shelter. He didn't feign interest in what I shared, which is fine, but shared that he had a dream that someone moved all of his tools into the street and they became covered in snow and he had to dig them out. We're just different. 😂😂😂

Talking about someone’s dreams has got to be one of the most boring things ever. I wouldn’t be able to feign interest, either. Maybe come up with more interesting things to discuss?

This was just an example of how the conversation goes whenever I bring up any topics. I am going one way and he's going another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a lot smarter than my spouse. I thought we complimented one another- I mean, someone has to be smarter.

He’s my ex spouse now, will not spend time with the intellectually lazy again.

Classic high IQ low EQ. ^^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a more illustrative example. I'm not placing a judgment call on it, just sharing.
I woke up this morning and told DH that I had a dream last night that I had moved to Myanmar and I was managing an unaccompanied minors shelter. He didn't feign interest in what I shared, which is fine, but shared that he had a dream that someone moved all of his tools into the street and they became covered in snow and he had to dig them out. We're just different. 😂😂😂

Dreaming of something covered in snow means you are in conflict with somebody in your life.

Dreaming of doing community service shows you are disconnected from people and the community. (Aka self absorbed)

So true in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a more illustrative example. I'm not placing a judgment call on it, just sharing.
I woke up this morning and told DH that I had a dream last night that I had moved to Myanmar and I was managing an unaccompanied minors shelter. He didn't feign interest in what I shared, which is fine, but shared that he had a dream that someone moved all of his tools into the street and they became covered in snow and he had to dig them out. We're just different. 😂😂😂

Dreaming of something covered in snow means you are in conflict with somebody in your life.

Dreaming of doing community service shows you are disconnected from people and the community. (Aka self absorbed)

So true in your life.

Source?

FWIW I actually do this type of work now. What made the dream unlike life was being in Myanmar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a more illustrative example. I'm not placing a judgment call on it, just sharing.
I woke up this morning and told DH that I had a dream last night that I had moved to Myanmar and I was managing an unaccompanied minors shelter. He didn't feign interest in what I shared, which is fine, but shared that he had a dream that someone moved all of his tools into the street and they became covered in snow and he had to dig them out. We're just different. 😂😂😂

Dreaming of something covered in snow means you are in conflict with somebody in your life.

Dreaming of doing community service shows you are disconnected from people and the community. (Aka self absorbed)

So true in your life.

Source?

FWIW I actually do this type of work now. What made the dream unlike life was being in Myanmar.

You can google dream interpretation... you are smart figure it out.

It doesn’t matter if you can do it, it matters that you dreamed about it.