If You Are Significantly Smarter Than Your Spouse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OP here. Thank you for this. DH is literally the kindest person that I know and has an immense heart and I appreciate him for it. His loyalty and reliability is one of the main reasons that I married him. I will continue to focus on the good. However, I also wonder if there's something else creating a wedge. For example tonight at dinner, he had his bluetooth ear piece in (which he does often these days) and he was watching instagram and you tube videos of social media personalities that crack jokes about other random social media videos/postings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OK, I can relate to your post, and to this one above. The way I look at it is, every couple struggles with one or more dimensions of their compatibility. When you’re with someone who isn’t educated in the same way as you, or maybe isn’t as articulate or academic, it can be a struggle to respect their intelligence, especially when the woman is more educated. There’s a definite gender dimension to this. The reality is, this will probably intensify with age. There are two ways to look at it. If you don’t respect his intelligence, and you think having deep conversations is what you desire most out of life, then you are probably heading toward divorce. But another way to look at this is that you can’t expect to get everything from one person, and youn have to accept him for who he is, and if you try to make him more “intellectual,” it’s not gonna happen. You have to respect and focus on his strengths, and let go of your wishes to connect with him about deep topics. It doesn’t mean you’re going to have a bad relationship. Most couples aren’t having deep discussions, they are connecting in other ways, and there are lots of ways to connect with your partner. This is what I try to do in my relationship of 20 plus years.

OP here. So so helpful. Thank you. In what other ways do you connect? Perhaps this is what we're missing. And long work days and hectic childcare schedules don't provide many openings. And the few windows that we've had in the past year are very unsatisfying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread once here I think (and I think on website corporette) on couples with very different educational levels. Lots of women married to men with less formal education. It was mostly a positive thread, might be helpful for you to check it out. You need to change your lens and widen it so that you see him as being just different from you and you from him. He is not less than.

I'm not the OP, but I wanted to chime in with support and empathy for OP. I'm in the same boat. I try to tell myself this bolded part, but frankly poor judgment and a lack of critical thinking skills IS usually "less than." I wouldn't have imagined it being so controversial to acknowledge -- privately, anonymously, matter-of-factly -- varying levels of intelligence among people. I know exactly the type of which she speaks, and no, they don't make up for it in street smarts or emotional IQ or whatever else. In fact, they are lacking across the board, in all measures of mental sharpness. Why did I marry him? Because he's hot, great in bed, and kind. But we have definitely clashed at times due to his lack of reasoning skills.

OP here. You get me. And I don't want to derail this thread so I haven't mentioned it, but his lack of reasoning has impact child rearing/safety, financial matters, etc. :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread once here I think (and I think on website corporette) on couples with very different educational levels. Lots of women married to men with less formal education. It was mostly a positive thread, might be helpful for you to check it out. You need to change your lens and widen it so that you see him as being just different from you and you from him. He is not less than.

I'm not the OP, but I wanted to chime in with support and empathy for OP. I'm in the same boat. I try to tell myself this bolded part, but frankly poor judgment and a lack of critical thinking skills IS usually "less than." I wouldn't have imagined it being so controversial to acknowledge -- privately, anonymously, matter-of-factly -- varying levels of intelligence among people. I know exactly the type of which she speaks, and no, they don't make up for it in street smarts or emotional IQ or whatever else. In fact, they are lacking across the board, in all measures of mental sharpness. Why did I marry him? Because he's hot, great in bed, and kind. But we have definitely clashed at times due to his lack of reasoning skills.

Totally agree with this one. The most frustrating can be a lack of good judgment. When this is an issue, the milder problems become you constantly questioning him, which creates a sense that he is less than/second rate/you always have to have your way. But, the worst is letting some of those bad choices run, particularly on big issues, like financial ones. That can be a disaster.

OP here. YES YES YES!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And married for 10+ years, how's it going?

I have always been smarter than DH. In our 20s, it was a non issue because our past times revolved around social outtings (bars, sporting events, travel, family and friend gatherings etc.) In our 30s he started reading and watching more news to keep up with me. I've become fatigued by news and I basically stopped watching it in 2019, but I still read and stay intellectually engaged on other issues. However, since I don't watch the news as much anymore, DH doesnt either.
We're now in our 40s and in the past year, he's reverted back to spending most of his time watching dumb internet videos, think "Ridiculousness" on MTV. Whenever we discuss anything, I'm noticing that he's just not that smart. His judgement is off and he has zero critical analysis.
He's never been that smart and I'm wondering if it's an age thing...will he get even worse by 50? Or is it more related to the things he spends his off time doing.
And if you have a spouse that is much less intelligent than you, did it become an issue later in your marriage?

I probably was always smarter than my husband, but like you it didn't matter most of the marriage because we were just into different stuff. Travel, etc. We did talk about the news. He had a TBI a few years ago and he's really starting to decline cognitively. Even though his neurologist says he's just fine. I'm worried. I care about him. But honest to God I get so frustrated with him at times because of it. (Yes I am a bad person. It's really stressful).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OK, I can relate to your post, and to this one above. The way I look at it is, every couple struggles with one or more dimensions of their compatibility. When you’re with someone who isn’t educated in the same way as you, or maybe isn’t as articulate or academic, it can be a struggle to respect their intelligence, especially when the woman is more educated. There’s a definite gender dimension to this. The reality is, this will probably intensify with age. There are two ways to look at it. If you don’t respect his intelligence, and you think having deep conversations is what you desire most out of life, then you are probably heading toward divorce. But another way to look at this is that you can’t expect to get everything from one person, and youn have to accept him for who he is, and if you try to make him more “intellectual,” it’s not gonna happen. You have to respect and focus on his strengths, and let go of your wishes to connect with him about deep topics. It doesn’t mean you’re going to have a bad relationship. Most couples aren’t having deep discussions, they are connecting in other ways, and there are lots of ways to connect with your partner. This is what I try to do in my relationship of 20 plus years.

OP here. So so helpful. Thank you. In what other ways do you connect? Perhaps this is what we're missing. And long work days and hectic childcare schedules don't provide many openings. And the few windows that we've had in the past year are very unsatisfying.

We connect more the way friends do -we crack jokes, we chat about our day, we cook together, have fun with our kids. We maintain a good sex life. I can’t have greatly satisfying conversations with him like some of my other guy friends, but I’ve come to terms with this. I remind myself that I had zero chemistry and connection with a lot of those guys who I had deep conversations with - a lot of them were arrogant or just a-holes.

Good luck. You have to stare this issue in the face and decide if you can live with it or not. You may decide it’s just not enough fir you to be with someone who doesn’t stimulate your intellect.

[Anonymous]

It's the worse. It's difficult to navigate when you've known someone since you were very young and clearly there's a difference in growth, maturity and just overall intelligence. I was embarrassed damn near every time my ex-husband opened his mouth. I cringed every time I saw his dumbass debating with someone on social media while sounding like a complete idiot. Smh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OP here. Thank you for this. DH is literally the kindest person that I know and has an immense heart and I appreciate him for it. His loyalty and reliability is one of the main reasons that I married him. I will continue to focus on the good. However, I also wonder if there's something else creating a wedge. For example tonight at dinner, he had his bluetooth ear piece in (which he does often these days) and he was watching instagram and you tube videos of social media personalities that crack jokes about other random social media videos/postings.

Hmmm. I would consider that extremely rude and not something "the kindest person" would do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.

Truthfully, when you deal with very important things all day it’s really hard to have banal discussions. Everything seems superficial.

I would posit that unintelligent folks are disproportionately drawn to police work, not that police work leaves them too drained to think logically.

Well an assumption is not fact and I posit your assumption is a common one. But when you come home from work after seeing the inside on somebody’s brain, it’s really hard to feign interest in “intellectual” discussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OK, I can relate to your post, and to this one above. The way I look at it is, every couple struggles with one or more dimensions of their compatibility. When you’re with someone who isn’t educated in the same way as you, or maybe isn’t as articulate or academic, it can be a struggle to respect their intelligence, especially when the woman is more educated. There’s a definite gender dimension to this. The reality is, this will probably intensify with age. There are two ways to look at it. If you don’t respect his intelligence, and you think having deep conversations is what you desire most out of life, then you are probably heading toward divorce. But another way to look at this is that you can’t expect to get everything from one person, and youn have to accept him for who he is, and if you try to make him more “intellectual,” it’s not gonna happen. You have to respect and focus on his strengths, and let go of your wishes to connect with him about deep topics. It doesn’t mean you’re going to have a bad relationship. Most couples aren’t having deep discussions, they are connecting in other ways, and there are lots of ways to connect with your partner. This is what I try to do in my relationship of 20 plus years.

OP here. So so helpful. Thank you. In what other ways do you connect? Perhaps this is what we're missing. And long work days and hectic childcare schedules don't provide many openings. And the few windows that we've had in the past year are very unsatisfying.

Sexually (as you would probably have expected) our chemistry is strong and still is after many years together. Not that we have sex at the same frequency as years ago, but it is still really great. We are affectionate, in normal times we like to entertain our friends or get together when they invite us, we both value marriage, our extended family, money, our house,, loyalty, we share the same ethnicity/religious upbringing and have evolved in a similar way. We Most of all we connect around our children. He is a really great father, widens their world, exposes them to things that balance out my egghead leanings (nature, a lot of time with friends, community involvement, etc). We connect now by watching the same shows, walks, etc but yes we often disagree and when younger had blowout fights, more rare now,. sometimes he has made judgments about things that baffled me or really frustrated me. The difference is, I can tell him and he hears me.. And I always have. I have said things like, "when you do x, I feel like y and my concern is z" etc. And sometimes I was really pissed. And he can hear me. I have to absolutely then hear him too and his frustrations with me and the ways I am a pia too. We might still disagree but now at least we both make room to listen. Sometimes he gets his way and I defer, sometimes I do. Sometimes we meet in the middle. Sometimes we just accept we disagree. My main point is that in the past I judged him way more harshly and also thougt like pp that he lacked critical thinking skills or just was dim, etc. But as I have matured and learned to listen I see that he had his logic, reasons and his perspective and I have done stupid, self defeating things too. I am a highly educated person and sometimes I can be ridiculously ignorant and make my own kind of illogical, dim choices. (Usually by playing it too safe).. We have both matured and that helps a lot. My husband is also a sweet and very kind but strong person. His essence is mostly good. If you have this, it is valuable. We bump heads but the love and commitment is really strong now. But it took years and work to get here yes. He also stands up to me which i respect. We both wanted to stay married. When i heard RBG say that the secret to a good marriage was to "be a little deaf" I realized that no marriage is a cake walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OP here. Thank you for this. DH is literally the kindest person that I know and has an immense heart and I appreciate him for it. His loyalty and reliability is one of the main reasons that I married him. I will continue to focus on the good. However, I also wonder if there's something else creating a wedge. For example tonight at dinner, he had his bluetooth ear piece in (which he does often these days) and he was watching instagram and you tube videos of social media personalities that crack jokes about other random social media videos/postings.

Ok, so you can't make him have a more sophisticated sense of humor but you can ask him to kindly remove the ear piece at dinner . And it seems reasonable that he could do so right? That would be an example of reasonable compromise. You don't expect deep change in his preferences (he is who he is) but he can modify his behavior.

[Anonymous]

We need specific examples OP.

[Anonymous]

I see this in my brother's marriage. She is not a critical thinker and during some discussions, he'll roll his eyes. Yet they are happily married.

I don't know if I could do the same, it would be hard for me if I considered my DH dumb. I caution the same to my kids, intelligence should be a high priority in relationships - dumb can't be fixed.

If you could go back in time, would you marry him again? If yes, try focusing on his good traits, and how he carries his weight in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OP here. Thank you for this. DH is literally the kindest person that I know and has an immense heart and I appreciate him for it. His loyalty and reliability is one of the main reasons that I married him. I will continue to focus on the good. However, I also wonder if there's something else creating a wedge. For example tonight at dinner, he had his bluetooth ear piece in (which he does often these days) and he was watching instagram and you tube videos of social media personalities that crack jokes about other random social media videos/postings.

Hmmm. I would consider that extremely rude and not something "the kindest person" would do!

No, but I imagine if I were married to OP I'd have my earpiece in frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread once here I think (and I think on website corporette) on couples with very different educational levels. Lots of women married to men with less formal education. It was mostly a positive thread, might be helpful for you to check it out. You need to change your lens and widen it so that you see him as being just different from you and you from him. He is not less than.

I'm not the OP, but I wanted to chime in with support and empathy for OP. I'm in the same boat. I try to tell myself this bolded part, but frankly poor judgment and a lack of critical thinking skills IS usually "less than." I wouldn't have imagined it being so controversial to acknowledge -- privately, anonymously, matter-of-factly -- varying levels of intelligence among people. I know exactly the type of which she speaks, and no, they don't make up for it in street smarts or emotional IQ or whatever else. In fact, they are lacking across the board, in all measures of mental sharpness. Why did I marry him? Because he's hot, great in bed, and kind. But we have definitely clashed at times due to his lack of reasoning skills.

Well those aren't very good reasons to marry someone, so much for being smart.