If You Are Significantly Smarter Than Your Spouse...

[Anonymous]

This is me and my husband. I wouldn’t choose the wording you did but I enjoy having conversations about intellectually stimulating topics where my husband likes to talk about more concrete topics like household repairs, funny stories from the past, etc. He watches those shows like Rediculousness and other YouTube/TikTok type collections of funny videos. I went through a phase of feeling frustrated and embarrassed about his seeming lack of intelligent conversation but after a recent health crisis, I’ve realized that he is a good man who is very smart and just doesn’t find enjoyment in the same podcasts, documentaries and books that I do. It’s all about finding common interests. We both are very interested in true crime and cooking/baking. We also both love to hike. I have great friends who engage with me about other topics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see this in my brother's marriage. She is not a critical thinker and during some discussions, he'll roll his eyes. Yet they are happily married.

I don't know if I could do the same, it would be hard for me if I considered my DH dumb. I caution the same to my kids, intelligence should be a high priority in relationships - dumb can't be fixed.

If you could go back in time, would you marry him again? If yes, try focusing on his good traits, and how he carries his weight in other ways.

The reality is that 60 or so years ago, when women had far less access to education, educated men often had less educated wives. Some may have been very smart I am sure and some probably were not. And the gender roles obviously were rigid so in addition to her often working to help pay his way through law school or mba ( ) after he graduated she stayed home and cooked, ran the entire house , raised the children, etc not exactly activities that stimulated intellectual growth at that time, while he continued to chart his course in his stimulating professional world around other educated people. If such a husband then frequently did eye rolls around how intellectually limited she was I think we would all think he was really quite a jerk. Some of our husbands more than pulled their weight working while we advanced professionally and educationally. Mine did, and I have a respect and gratitude for him for it that underlies everything. I am "smarter" in part because he helped me and hopefully I help him. To then fault him for not knowing as much would be pretty cold and terrible. Try not to take your husband for granted Op. If he is so lacking in depth and curiosity that you are dying inside then that's a problem. If this is the result of you both being cloistered together during covid and him getting on your nerves excessively because you have lost your typical access to mental stimulation and you find him a little boring, that is a different thing. Only you can answer that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me and my husband. I wouldn’t choose the wording you did but I enjoy having conversations about intellectually stimulating topics where my husband likes to talk about more concrete topics like household repairs, funny stories from the past, etc. He watches those shows like Rediculousness and other YouTube/TikTok type collections of funny videos. I went through a phase of feeling frustrated and embarrassed about his seeming lack of intelligent conversation but after a recent health crisis, I’ve realized that he is a good man who is very smart and just doesn’t find enjoyment in the same podcasts, documentaries and books that I do. It’s all about finding common interests. We both are very interested in true crime and cooking/baking. We also both love to hike. I have great friends who engage with me about other topics.

I totally get this and have the same experience. I don't know where other women find their handsome, sexually fabulous, highly evolved, monogamous, deeply intelligent male dreamboats who want to have deep conversations with them in an ongoing long marriage. I am married to a mortal man, and a smart person,, as are most of our friends, and we all have moments where they are disappointing, intellectually or in their patience level or their wandering eye or a whole bunch of possible ways. No one gets it all in a partner and there is never a complete match.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar challenge here, OP.

While I don't regret my choice, I have been increasingly concerned as time passes and the gap between us continues to widen. Or at least become more apparent.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.

Truthfully, when you deal with very important things all day it’s really hard to have banal discussions. Everything seems superficial.

I would posit that unintelligent folks are disproportionately drawn to police work, not that police work leaves them too drained to think logically.

Well an assumption is not fact and I posit your assumption is a common one. But when you come home from work after seeing the inside on somebody’s brain, it’s really hard to feign interest in “intellectual” discussions.

I agree. As a civilian (attorney) who works with police, I haven't run into many dumb cops. Locally, in particular, there are cops who are also lawyers, CPAs, even teachers. There are ones who are very skilled in IT work too, especially the ones who do IT forensics to extract info from cell phones, etc. If they have worked their way up the ranks a bit, they also often have masters degrees. I know quite a few who are taking language lessons at night, too. From Spanish to Mandarin to Farsi.

However, the stress is outrageous and critical mental health support is often lacking. There may be a lot going on there, with a culture that historically doesn't want to admit to issues like depression and anxiety, as well as a severe lack of qualified therapists who actually understand what police work does to people. A cop could go talk to any run of the mill therapist and just roll their eyes over the person's complete cluelessness of what they face each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.

Truthfully, when you deal with very important things all day it’s really hard to have banal discussions. Everything seems superficial.

I would posit that unintelligent folks are disproportionately drawn to police work, not that police work leaves them too drained to think logically.

Well an assumption is not fact and I posit your assumption is a common one. But when you come home from work after seeing the inside on somebody’s brain, it’s really hard to feign interest in “intellectual” discussions.

I agree. As a civilian (attorney) who works with police, I haven't run into many dumb cops. Locally, in particular, there are cops who are also lawyers, CPAs, even teachers. There are ones who are very skilled in IT work too, especially the ones who do IT forensics to extract info from cell phones, etc. If they have worked their way up the ranks a bit, they also often have masters degrees. I know quite a few who are taking language lessons at night, too. From Spanish to Mandarin to Farsi.

However, the stress is outrageous and critical mental health support is often lacking. There may be a lot going on there, with a culture that historically doesn't want to admit to issues like depression and anxiety, as well as a severe lack of qualified therapists who actually understand what police work does to people. A cop could go talk to any run of the mill therapist and just roll their eyes over the person's complete cluelessness of what they face each day.

Most cops do not see the inside of someone’s brain most days. Cops face LOTS of trauma, but it doesn’t help your argument to exaggerate. An officer in the community policing unity particularly shouldn’t be seeing the inside of anyone’s brain. But they do get exposed to a lot of sadness and poverty and grief that they can’t fix, which is traumatizing. And many police officers are practical by nature (they are doers), which could be part of him not enjoying intellectual conversations. The two partners might just be mismatched in that way.

[Anonymous]

Unit, not unity

[Anonymous]

My spouse is also not very smart. Hate to say it but it's a fact. She never tried hard in school or work. When we met she was working a 9-5 job making 45k. I make 400k. She's a SAHM now and she's never been good with organization, motivation, or thinking ahead. I take care of all the taxes, investments, banking, etc. I also take care of our child's schooling, etc.

In the last few years she tries to act smart. Making comments about subjects that she just makes up. I feel like I'm speaking to Trump and she hates Trump. I don't care that I'm smarter than her. But, now that she's so insecure about it...it's close to unlivable.

You want to be smart? Read instead of watch videos. Learn instead of scrolling through social media for hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.

Truthfully, when you deal with very important things all day it’s really hard to have banal discussions. Everything seems superficial.

I would posit that unintelligent folks are disproportionately drawn to police work, not that police work leaves them too drained to think logically.

Well an assumption is not fact and I posit your assumption is a common one. But when you come home from work after seeing the inside on somebody’s brain, it’s really hard to feign interest in “intellectual” discussions.

I agree. As a civilian (attorney) who works with police, I haven't run into many dumb cops. Locally, in particular, there are cops who are also lawyers, CPAs, even teachers. There are ones who are very skilled in IT work too, especially the ones who do IT forensics to extract info from cell phones, etc. If they have worked their way up the ranks a bit, they also often have masters degrees. I know quite a few who are taking language lessons at night, too. From Spanish to Mandarin to Farsi.

However, the stress is outrageous and critical mental health support is often lacking. There may be a lot going on there, with a culture that historically doesn't want to admit to issues like depression and anxiety, as well as a severe lack of qualified therapists who actually understand what police work does to people. A cop could go talk to any run of the mill therapist and just roll their eyes over the person's complete cluelessness of what they face each day.

Most cops do not see the inside of someone’s brain most days. Cops face LOTS of trauma, but it doesn’t help your argument to exaggerate. An officer in the community policing unity particularly shouldn’t be seeing the inside of anyone’s brain. But they do get exposed to a lot of sadness and poverty and grief that they can’t fix, which is traumatizing. And many police officers are practical by nature (they are doers), which could be part of him not enjoying intellectual conversations. The two partners might just be mismatched in that way.

It doesn’t help your argument to minimize the trauma they experience.

It’s just facts that “intellectual” conversations after experiencing real life all day seems very banal. OP thinks it’s so interesting and intellectual but you put that next to removing 3 kids from a home because their mom is passed out in a car with them with a needle in her arm ... intellectual... not really.

Also why not allow some self care of watching mindless videos, why judge it?

[Anonymous]

DH is an Ivy League educated doctor so he is smart. He still watches those stupid funny videos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is an Ivy League educated doctor so he is smart. He still watches those stupid funny videos.

Yes this is now the accepted level we operate on as a culture.

[Anonymous]

OP, up till the kids reached high school there was no issue or at least it was manageable. Then all of a sudden it just became completely unmanageable. To be fair, it was difficult from about 4th grade on, but by high school my husband felt completely incompetent and it was obvious the kids had surpassed him in intellect and ability. We found out he had all of these disabilities we hadn't known about. He developed further mental illness and went off the deep end with behaviors. He just couldn't handle the complexity of life. Some people aren't meant to be parents and take on the role of provider for that many people. He was a very kind stable parent till he wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is also not very smart. Hate to say it but it's a fact. She never tried hard in school or work. When we met she was working a 9-5 job making 45k. I make 400k. She's a SAHM now and she's never been good with organization, motivation, or thinking ahead. I take care of all the taxes, investments, banking, etc. I also take care of our child's schooling, etc.

In the last few years she tries to act smart. Making comments about subjects that she just makes up. I feel like I'm speaking to Trump and she hates Trump. I don't care that I'm smarter than her. But, now that she's so insecure about it...it's close to unlivable.

You want to be smart? Read instead of watch videos. Learn instead of scrolling through social media for hours.

So you married an unmotivated and disorganized woman and she’s a sahm?....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be a personality thing as much as an IQ thing. A lot of people hate Myers-Briggs because they don’t want to be placed in a “box,” yada, yada. But, I think the typology points out important differences. OP seems like a “N” (someone who likes ideas) and her policeman husband is probably the opposite, a “S,” (someone who likes tangible things). While determined effort can help any set of people get along, this pairing is challenging. Ultimately, the “N” person wants to read, think, discuss, debate, and communicate. Meanwhile, the “S” person wants to do, act, feel, and experience. If OP wants to discuss ideas together, but hubby wants to workout together, there may not be a lot in common. This may become more apparent once the common battles of careers, settling down, and young kids are behind them. Then, the emphasis is on them alone, staring at each other wishing the other was like them.

OMG! This was amazing. I did a Myers-Briggs test like 10 years ago because a team that I was working on kept clashing, but this definitely gives me reason to revisit it. You just exactly described to me, which is scary. The bolded points scare me more which prompted my post. I am scared about these differences heightening with age. I hope that it's just a pandemic thing, but I worry that it could be more...

Yes. N types are happier with N types, s types with s types

[Anonymous]

I could never marry someone I looked down to and to me intelligence (in every way) is what’s most important. I could not be with someone that was not very smart and educated, someone who liked to travel and knew a lot about the world in general.