Reply to Staying together for kids, do you plan for future?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart.  I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act.  But I love providing an intact family for my kids.  Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.[/quote]

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.[/quote]

This is very helpful--I guess I thought only my dh refuses to plan.........for next week, or the next decade.  For years, I thought I'd be gone once the kids are settled in college,  I still do, and dh seems to have no clue that I really will do it.  Unless we suddenly start having a better time together or who knows what.  I expect we'd be on good terms, but as it will still likely come as a SHOCK to dh, CRAZY, cuz the whole world except dh will not be surprised when I exit.[/quote]

Well tell him that directly instead of hatching a secret plan.  How is secretly plotting your escape helping your marriage?  That time could have been spent trying to revive it.[/quote]

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