Husband doesn’t want a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Point is not if you can afford help. Even if you throw money, you are taking a risk if a person who is not bubbling with you provides care for you.

Many people are foregoing the help and doing the work themselves because they value their family members and they can afford to quit their jobs. As a result the burden is falling more and more on women in the family to provide this care. They can no longer outsource childcare, home care, eldercare.

People like you are exhausting. We couldn't afford help and I ended up doing it as my husband out earned me and he had far more growth in his career in terms of money. I don't consider taking care of kids or family a burden nor would I want to outsource it. I did elderly care till I could no longer do it but then was highly involved. It sets a good example to kids on how you want to be treated by how you care for them and others. Enjoy your nursing home.

You are a nut job. What are you arguing? You became a SAHM willingly, but many women are becoming SAHMs now because of the pandemic is preventing them from hiring help. What are you arguing>

Its not preventing them from hiring help. I see tons of people advertising looking for nanny and babysitting jobs. They are out of work for other reasons. I didn't necessarily do it willingly. I had a SN child who needed a lot of therapies. But, that's not the point. Then, I had to take care of an elderly relative. My salary wasn't enough to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have him get life insurance

What about divorce insurance ...never would I give up everything. I’ve seen women who have been out if the workforce since 28, be left high and dry at 48 and have to start at the bottom rung , now 20 years later.

If you don’t have a prenup, your husband makes a lot money, you have a lot of marital wealth/assets, and you’ve been SAH for years you should get a substantial divorce settlement. Enough to never work again and maintain the same married lifestyle? Maybe/maybe not, but certainly not destitute.

It’s never as good as women think it is...I know so many who took a huge lifestyle hit after the divorce and quite a few that needed to find a job.

Not a forum for people in Trumplandia. DMV has rich well educated SAHMs with no prenups. They are not taking a lifestyle hit. The boogeymen of being left destitute by a cheating husband is not happening here for most people.

Uh what? Of COURSE SAHMs, even educated ones, even ones with high income husbands, take a lifestyle hit and get jobs after divorce, even without a prenup. I've seen dozens of high-income divorces and I can't think of a single one where both people didn't take a big fat lifestyle hit.

[Anonymous]

To answer your original question, my DH does not want a SAHM. I did a combination of SAH, full-time student and woking part-time whne our kids were babies. He would not be cool with being the sole earner.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I decided not to join in after the immature people who just want to bash men came on here. It’s incredible that supposed “ mature” people can’t have one thread without bashing people, turning the topic to an entirely different one, or bashing men. Many people on here are very intolerant and hateful. I asked the question to see if others have the same situation, not to debate whether it’s right or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand staying at home when the kids are still little and don't go to school. But once they are elementary school age, what do you do all day?

I am not a SAHM, but I always think this question is so bizarre.

Do you ask people without children what they do all day after they get off work? What do childfree people do from 5pm-11pm? That's six hours a day. Then they have entire days, sometimes multiple days in a row with no work at all. Managing their household can't take up all of their time. They aren't managing, cooking for, or cleaning up after anyone other than themselves. So what do they even do with their time?

You are comparing women sitting at home all day while kids are in school...to, you know, people that worked 8+ hours and then have to go to the gym, do their laundry and cook dinner...and the kids’ dinner and homework. They don’t have the luxury of working out during the day.

I WAH so I at least I make $200k and I’m still home when kids get off the bus. I manage to do everything a SAHM does.

Nope. I’m comparing a SAHM of school aged children to people who are childfree and working normal hours, so presumably not working overnights, and not making dinner, helping with homework, etc. People who work 40 hours/wk and then do...nothing for the other 128 hours/wk. I mean, people need to sleep, so that’s 56 hours. But they have 72 hours/wk of nothing to do.
And yet, even though childfree people have twice the time that a SAHM does, and fewer obligations with their free time than most SAHMs, no one seems to complain or wonder what they do. We all assume that they exercise and socialize and engage in hobbies. I don’t understand why that’s fine, but there is so much vitriol for a SAHM doing the same things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if against it is the right word, but I think most men now expect their wives will work, especially after the youngest is in school

Not me, we enjoy the freedom of only DH working. He can work from anywhere. Outside of Covid DH would frequently text me on Thursday morning asking if we wanted to go away for the weekend, or week. No trying to find time off, make arrangements etc.

Me being able to get stuff done during the days frees up time in the evenings and on the weekends.

Same. I am grateful for this life and it works well for us. We live comfortably but are not DCUM wealthy by any stretch. Of course we could be driving better cars and living in a more expensive house if I went back to work full time. But that’s the trade off, isn’t it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I decided not to join in after the immature people who just want to bash men came on here. It’s incredible that supposed “ mature” people can’t have one thread without bashing people, turning the topic to an entirely different one, or bashing men. Many people on here are very intolerant and hateful. I asked the question to see if others have the same situation, not to debate whether it’s right or not.

What are you talking about?

And your original post offered very little insight and wasn't really a question or looking for advice other than to crowd source who else is opposed to being a SAHM. So yeah, I would say your "question" was posed to open up conversation (or more likely stir the pot) on the age old to SAH/WOH mom topic. You sound bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand staying at home when the kids are still little and don't go to school. But once they are elementary school age, what do you do all day?

I am not a SAHM, but I always think this question is so bizarre.

Do you ask people without children what they do all day after they get off work? What do childfree people do from 5pm-11pm? That's six hours a day. Then they have entire days, sometimes multiple days in a row with no work at all. Managing their household can't take up all of their time. They aren't managing, cooking for, or cleaning up after anyone other than themselves. So what do they even do with their time?

You are comparing women sitting at home all day while kids are in school...to, you know, people that worked 8+ hours and then have to go to the gym, do their laundry and cook dinner...and the kids’ dinner and homework. They don’t have the luxury of working out during the day.

I WAH so I at least I make $200k and I’m still home when kids get off the bus. I manage to do everything a SAHM does.

ok so then you obviously know what SAHMs do during the day. They do all their chores and leisure activities during that period (such as work out, socialize with other moms or meet husband or working friends for lunch, read, listen to podcasts, hobbies like reading, gardening, take dog for long walks, etc. etc.). They set it up this way so that the afternoon and evenings aren't a mad rush of activities, homework, chores, dinner, showers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ideally, it should be your choice.

My husband was cool with whatever I wanted to do but privately preferred for me to SAHM. I went back to work for 2 years and then quit when our second was born. And he was super supportive of that decision.

Well it should be your choice if you are not a partnership (marriage/raising children together) with some one else. Then ‘your choice’ also affects them and not in a minor way. If you are married, your decisions are not just about you anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ideally, it should be your choice.

My husband was cool with whatever I wanted to do but privately preferred for me to SAHM. I went back to work for 2 years and then quit when our second was born. And he was super supportive of that decision.

Well it should be your choice if you are not a partnership (marriage/raising children together) with some one else. Then ‘your choice’ also affects them and not in a minor way. If you are married, your decisions are not just about you anymore.

The point is, he should want you and his future children to be happy and have what is best for them. If that is a SAHM, then so be it. Lots of families find that having a SAHM makes life less hectic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the high earner in my household now, and I wouldn't want to support a SAHD.

Amen sister.

Amen+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the high earner in my household now, and I wouldn't want to support a SAHD.

Amen sister.

Amen+

Really?
I am not currently the breadwinner, but DH has been at home in the past for a couple of years, and I really liked it. I would love it if my husband would be a SAHD permanently. We could move to the city where I have the best career options, and we have more family support. I wouldn’t have to stress about being home on time to relieve the nanny. I could travel for conferences and speaking engagements without guilt or worry about leaving my kids with someone they don’t know or burning out my nanny. Sick days, snow days, etc. wouldn’t be an issue. There would be no “second shift.” Being a WOHP with a SAHP backing you up is a great deal.

[Anonymous]

Why would there be no second shift? Would you expect the sahp to do all the childcare and household management so that you can just relax after coming home from work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would there be no second shift? Would you expect the sahp to do all the childcare and household management so that you can just relax after coming home from work?

Yes. Relax, play with kids. Put them to bed.
That’s what he did before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the high earner in my household now, and I wouldn't want to support a SAHD.

Amen sister.

Amen+

Really?
I am not currently the breadwinner, but DH has been at home in the past for a couple of years, and I really liked it. I would love it if my husband would be a SAHD permanently. We could move to the city where I have the best career options, and we have more family support. I wouldn’t have to stress about being home on time to relieve the nanny. I could travel for conferences and speaking engagements without guilt or worry about leaving my kids with someone they don’t know or burning out my nanny. Sick days, snow days, etc. wouldn’t be an issue. There would be no “second shift.” Being a WOHP with a SAHP backing you up is a great deal.

I am one of the PPs who doesn't want to have a SAHD. None of those benefits are worth the stress of being the sole income earner and never getting a chance to scale back a career. Also, I think there is something to being forced to make both parents figure it out. It is so easy to get distanced from kids because someone else is doing the day to day, and just become the weekend fun parent.

My kids are teens now and I'm really glad we muddled through together when they were younger. We have a close, tight-knit family and our kids have watched us jointly compromise for years. The kids themselves know they also have work around the house and they also pitch in.

I know there are many ways to raise a family and I do not support all the nasty WOHMs who take swipes at SAHMs (or vice versa). We found something that works and worked, and I wouldn't change it. My SAHM friends are wonderful people who have also raised great kids. I want to be totally clear that I am not saying anything anti-SAHM. My only point is that I would not want to support a SAHD.