Husband doesn’t want a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was very open that he never wanted a long-term SAHM. He was fine with me taking time off when the kids were young, but he always wanted me to work. We don’t need my income, but he wanted to make sure I could support myself if anything ever happened. His parents married and had kids young. His mom never worked and was dependent on his dad. There were many trying times when he was younger and his mom did not have the skills or education to get a job. He doesn’t want that for his wife. Any other women have husbands who were against them being a SAHM?

That's fine. Have him pay for college. Get a career that pays super well then leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted a thread about it, but, yes. DH is a junior partner in biglaw and doesn't even want me to downshift (I'm an associate in biglaw). It's obnoxious IMO. We do not need this much income, and so much with the house and kids falls through the cracks.

Before anyone asks, we have an au pair and healthy local grandparents who do a lot.

Can you link the thread you posted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was very open that he never wanted a long-term SAHM. He was fine with me taking time off when the kids were young, but he always wanted me to work. We don’t need my income, but he wanted to make sure I could support myself if anything ever happened. His parents married and had kids young. His mom never worked and was dependent on his dad. There were many trying times when he was younger and his mom did not have the skills or education to get a job. He doesn’t want that for his wife. Any other women have husbands who were against them being a SAHM?

Since his main concern is you not being able to support yourself , what's the status of that? Does have life insurance for example? What is your career , something that can fairly easily be picked up?


Do you ever plan on going back to work, or do you want to stay out until the youngest is in school?


Would you be open to part time work?

[Anonymous]

I understand staying at home when the kids are still little and don't go to school. But once they are elementary school age, what do you do all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ideally, it should be your choice.

My husband was cool with whatever I wanted to do but privately preferred for me to SAHM. I went back to work for 2 years and then quit when our second was born. And he was super supportive of that decision.

+1

Can husbands choose not to work anymore and the wives just have to go along with it?

Honestly? Not really. It’s a momentary perk women in this time period have for having been born and raised during a time of flux with gender roles. It’s possible that it will be gone by the time our daughters become mothers. It’s one of the few perks we have, after having put up with the patriarchy since the beginning of time so I am not going to fault anyone for enjoying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand staying at home when the kids are still little and don't go to school. But once they are elementary school age, what do you do all day?

Many kids around here aren’t in school all day, where have you been?

SAH has become more necessary this year than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were very against it. My husband was the one who suggested it. We live well under our means, put a priority on paying off the house and have private and work life insurance. We also made sure to put enough away for college for a state school. Worst case I have to go back for spending money but we'd be ok with the house paid off.

No, worst case you get divorced or he dies and you have no way to support yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but he also wanted me to handle everything at home like his own SAHM did. If I asked him to do something, he acted like it was a failure on my part for not being able to pull it off myself.

The truth is, he did not want the pressure of being a sole provider for the family. I think he also wanted a credentialed and accomplished wife because it reflected well on him; that the DC version of a trophy wife.

Needless to say, I got out.

This is the worst combo in a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were very against it. My husband was the one who suggested it. We live well under our means, put a priority on paying off the house and have private and work life insurance. We also made sure to put enough away for college for a state school. Worst case I have to go back for spending money but we'd be ok with the house paid off.

No, worst case you get divorced or he dies and you have no way to support yourself

Did you read the part about insurance, savings, and a paid off house?

[Anonymous]

My husband is even worse, he won’t even let me go part time! If he can’t go part time, then I can’t either.

And of course he refuses to acknowledge that I do more around the house and with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand staying at home when the kids are still little and don't go to school. But once they are elementary school age, what do you do all day?

Seriously? 1/4 of woman are quitting the workforce in the USA this year because of COVID and DL for school aged kids.

Women who are working from home due to COVID are quitting because they do not have childcare.

Women who had cleaning ladies and home care aides are quitting their jobs because they cannot outsource these chores.

Our household saw the easiest transition during COVID because I am at home. My kids are teens. While I have to do a lot more because everyone is home and need to be fed thrice a day, and I no longer have my twice a week cleaning lady - my family has had a very easy time. I would say that they are thriving because a lot of stressors are not there because I am at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand staying at home when the kids are still little and don't go to school. But once they are elementary school age, what do you do all day?

Seriously? 1/4 of woman are quitting the workforce in the USA this year because of COVID and DL for school aged kids.

Women who are working from home due to COVID are quitting because they do not have childcare.

Women who had cleaning ladies and home care aides are quitting their jobs because they cannot outsource these chores.

Our household saw the easiest transition during COVID because I am at home. My kids are teens. While I have to do a lot more because everyone is home and need to be fed thrice a day, and I no longer have my twice a week cleaning lady - my family has had a very easy time. I would say that they are thriving because a lot of stressors are not there because I am at home.

Women are quitting their jobs to clean their house all day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but he also wanted me to handle everything at home like his own SAHM did. If I asked him to do something, he acted like it was a failure on my part for not being able to pull it off myself.

The truth is, he did not want the pressure of being a sole provider for the family. I think he also wanted a credentialed and accomplished wife because it reflected well on him; that the DC version of a trophy wife.

Needless to say, I got out.

Needless to say...like it was unreasonable for him to not want to be the sole provider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but he also wanted me to handle everything at home like his own SAHM did. If I asked him to do something, he acted like it was a failure on my part for not being able to pull it off myself.

The truth is, he did not want the pressure of being a sole provider for the family. I think he also wanted a credentialed and accomplished wife because it reflected well on him; that the DC version of a trophy wife.

Needless to say, I got out.

Needless to say...like it was unreasonable for him to not want to be the sole provider?

It is unreasonable to want a person to work full time and also handle everything around the house as if they did not have a job. Yes. That's unreasonable.

I WOH at a job that's in the 60 hr/week range, and my husband who has a 9-5 handles probably 65% of day-to-day household tasks. If he wanted me to do every single thing around the house and treated me like an underperforming employee when things fell through the cracks, that would indeed be unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand staying at home when the kids are still little and don't go to school. But once they are elementary school age, what do you do all day?

Seriously? 1/4 of woman are quitting the workforce in the USA this year because of COVID and DL for school aged kids.

Women who are working from home due to COVID are quitting because they do not have childcare.

Women who had cleaning ladies and home care aides are quitting their jobs because they cannot outsource these chores.

Our household saw the easiest transition during COVID because I am at home. My kids are teens. While I have to do a lot more because everyone is home and need to be fed thrice a day, and I no longer have my twice a week cleaning lady - my family has had a very easy time. I would say that they are thriving because a lot of stressors are not there because I am at home.

Women are quitting their jobs to clean their house all day

Yes, for sure. I mean eldercare means taking care of the elderly and cleaning their homes. If they live with you it means taking care of them and having someone to clean their space. You know because they poop in their diapers or have pee accidents. Usually people had home care aides and cleaning people.

You sound so much like Hope Hicks, Ivanka and Melania. Eldercare does not mean what you think.