If you’ve been with your partner for 12-20 + years & have kids

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if someone shared this already, but I stumbled on this episode of On Being recently and found it gave me a lot to think about. (married only 6 years but together 12, two young kids)

https://onbeing.org/programs/alain-de-botton-the-true-hard-work-of-love-and-relationships-aug2018/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How successful have you been at keeping the spark/“in love” feeling alive and not feeling like roommates or business partners who happen to have sex once a week?

What are your tips for this? Also, do you have any podcast recommendations?

Not at all successful. We are stale and sexless. We discuss about every 3-4 months and nothing changes. Grind, boredom, etc. We are 20 years and I am feeling like I am on a treadmill going nowhere. Depressing but two kids still at home so we just live day by day for now. I am so jealous of the people who still have a spark

[Anonymous]

I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

My husband and I still have hot sex at 22 years of marriage. Not every single time, some have to be quick, but still love having it. If it makes you feel better- he cheated. Every marriage has issues. Ours was never in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

What does punching above his weight mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

The Amish have Rumspringa, essentially a two year break and then they come back to the community. How awesome if marriages could have a short break where people could go have fun, passionate sex again! And come back home to stability. People do it anyway when they cheat, if only there was an ethical way to do it without hurting others.

Security and longevity suffocate passion. Kudos to the few people on here that found the balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

The Amish have Rumspringa, essentially a two year break and then they come back to the community. How awesome if marriages could have a short break where people could go have fun, passionate sex again! And come back home to stability. People do it anyway when they cheat, if only there was an ethical way to do it without hurting others.

Security and longevity suffocate passion. Kudos to the few people on here that found the balance.

That would be amazing.

[Anonymous]

21 years, 2 kids and get has been my silent rock through my worst of years. We are best friends first as that is how we started. Then, we are lovers. It is not always sex but sometimes cuddling, kissing and just holding hands. None of our friends are still married.

[Anonymous]

^get is he

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

My husband and I still have hot sex at 22 years of marriage. Not every single time, some have to be quick, but still love having it. If it makes you feel better- he cheated. Every marriage has issues. Ours was never in the bedroom.

Well I’d rather have great (if routine) sex than your situation. Why even bring this up? No one wants to be cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

My husband and I still have hot sex at 22 years of marriage. Not every single time, some have to be quick, but still love having it. If it makes you feel better- he cheated. Every marriage has issues. Ours was never in the bedroom.

Well I’d rather have great (if routine) sex than your situation. Why even bring this up? No one wants to be cheated on.

I brought it up to show pp, continued hot sex isn’t always the greatest thing to have in a marriage, particularly because many of such spouses have sex addictions or crazy drives (could beat off 5 times per day) so will look outside after time. I agree with the comfort/routine sex is much better than be cheating on. Pretty much everything is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

Name and author of the romance novel, please.

ALso, keep reading those romance novels and fanfic / erotica, and take that energy into the bedroom if you can. It certainly helps me. And we've been married 14 years with two kids. (It helps that my DH is still fun and makes me laugh, even if he's not not for it all the time)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

The Amish have Rumspringa, essentially a two year break and then they come back to the community. How awesome if marriages could have a short break where people could go have fun, passionate sex again! And come back home to stability. People do it anyway when they cheat, if only there was an ethical way to do it without hurting others.

Security and longevity suffocate passion. Kudos to the few people on here that found the balance.

That is a BRILLIANT idea. I've always though having an end date to your marriage -- like a 10 year contract -- is a good idea, but this idea is better. I want a Rumspringa. A marriage sabbatical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think COVID has given me too much time to think about this but I just think this is the cruelty of life -- dating and sex with someone new is exciting and hot, but scary and unpredictable. Marriage (at best) is secure and safe and comes with true emotional intimacy, but it's boring and not like, horny. At all.

I also think it matters where you were in life when you got married. I married my husband after a slew of bad boys because I wanted to settle down with someone sweet and devoted. I'm glad I did, but I often feel like he's punching above his weight and it depresses me.

I just read a super hot romance novel (LOL) and it made me so jealous and depressed and nostalgic for having hot sex with a hot new guy, but after the characters fell in love it became comfortable and way less hot. And it was a romance novel! So, it's just life and human nature. Don't beat yourself up.

My husband and I still have hot sex at 22 years of marriage. Not every single time, some have to be quick, but still love having it. If it makes you feel better- he cheated. Every marriage has issues. Ours was never in the bedroom.

Well I’d rather have great (if routine) sex than your situation. Why even bring this up? No one wants to be cheated on.

I brought it up to show pp, continued hot sex isn’t always the greatest thing to have in a marriage, particularly because many of such spouses have sex addictions or crazy drives (could beat off 5 times per day) so will look outside after time. I agree with the comfort/routine sex is much better than be cheating on. Pretty much everything is...

I appreciate your sharing that. My marriage is a sexual death bed, and I dream of cheating. I know many people in a long term marriage are dealing with something.

[Anonymous]

Together 11, married 7, 3 kids under 5.

I think the spark is kept alive because:

1) We make time for regular date nights and always have
2) We always made sure to not lose sight of each other's individual needs through baby years. We were/are frequently stressed and tired but we always think the best of each other and make sure to give the other one a break when they need it
3) We make an effort to make everyday stuff romantic, or at least we make an effort to ensure the everyday stuff isn't empty gestures. We always give each other a kiss goodnight, we touch each other when we walk by. Nothing crazy but just small regular reinforcement that we see the other one and still find them comforting and attractive

And if that stuff starts to slip, we talk about it and work on it quickly rather than letting any resentment build. I literally cannot stomach being in angry tension and I am probably overly attuned to the emotional climate around me at any given moment (due to having parents that had a very hostile marriage) and so we never let a fight simmer or even mild annoyance. We confront everything like that immediately and I think that is probably as important as all the other stuff above.