If you’ve been with your partner for 12-20 + years & have kids

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married 35 years and the spark is sill alive due to weekly sex and that we like to spend time together. We have different hobbies so we are not joined at the hip 24/7 which could be a bit too much togetherness. We have so many wonderful shared memories and with 3 children and now many grandchildren we keep creating more. We have a lot of fun together and laughing is really full for the soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that we still have a spark, but we are very good at sex at this point after 20 years!

This. There are sparks a couple of minutes after we get going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how, when this female OP writes that they make sure to have sex 1-2 a week, people write in saying “sex isn’t everything.”

Whereas if a man wrote this, saying he was hoping for his wife to get to this frequency, people would be telling him to “open the marriage.”

Such a mixed message depending on if the op is male or female.

The "open the marriage" message applies only to a spouse who wants more sex but their partner rejects them. That does not seem to be OP's scenario at all. Not even sure if OP is a female, though I agree with you and suspect so, because "she" is struggling to even have interest in her current weekly sex schedule. Few men would ever write that.

So the message is based on desire for sex yet a rejecting partner. If that appears to be gender biased, it's because so few wives face this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what you describe is normal and even the best case scenario for most long marriages.

Best friends who occasionally have sex.

+1 c'mon OP, you must've heard that passion does not last. Nothing wrong with being in a comfortable but kind of boring groove with your spouse.

Our relationship hit a rough patch when the kids were younger due to stress. Our kids are now in their tween/teens, and we can now focus more on us. When the kid are out of the house, we can focus on us even more.

If you constantly look for that "passion" in a relationship, you will constantly be looking for a new person. Passion fades, but love doesn't have to. Grass is not always greener on the other side. I cannot imagine being single again and trying to date. I'm gonna hold on to our "not so great passion but comfortable and loving relationship" with both hands.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that this thread focused on sex, that wasn't my first thought at all. OP said sex happens 1x a week already which seems fine to me. There's a lot more to spark/chemistry than that IMO.

I just barely met your cutoff (12 yrs, two kids) so take my advice with a grain of salt, but we really make a point to enjoy each other. We talk to each other about work, politics, dreams for the future, current events, etc. We try new activities together. We get away whenever possible (rarely). He is just still my favorite person in the world and we get along so well. I love him to death. Maybe I'm ok with a lower level of "spark" than others but to me the feeling of deep comfort and security I have with him is way better. We make each other laugh and support each other endlessly. He doesn't feel like a roommate by any stretch. He feels like family. I guess that's not the sexiest thing in the world but we are happy.

[Anonymous]

Married 15 years, two kids, middle school and have not been successful, sex is down to 6x in last year and was maybe 20x a year in a good year after kids came.

Look, at some point, BOTH partners have to want something for it to happen, whether its more sex, financial security, connection vacations, etc. if only one of you wants it, there is no advice other than 1) learn to live without it, or 2) divorce.

I wouldn't describe my marriage as bad, we get along fine, are kind to each other, raising successful kids and financially stable. I want the spark, spouse could go without sex forever, so here we are. We are not alone, I think this is about the norm after a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what you describe is normal and even the best case scenario for most long marriages.

Best friends who occasionally have sex.

Completely accurate and honest reply. This is the best you should strive for. Hot, passionate sex is what single people and affairs are for. Yes, yes, there are some rare couples with independently high sex drives that keep it going but this is the rare exception.

It's sort of like saying "I won't be happy unless I make $10 Million a year." You can make that your goal but you are going to be disappointed when you are in the 99.9% of people who fall short.

[Anonymous]

We had sex 3 x per week, dated weekly thanks to a nanny, did adult get always 2x / year.

Very passionate together, loved each other’s company, got along with family, intellectually stimulating conversation.

But he cheated and he is moving out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had sex 3 x per week, dated weekly thanks to a nanny, did adult get always 2x / year.

Very passionate together, loved each other’s company, got along with family, intellectually stimulating conversation.

But he cheated and he is moving out.

I’m in the immediate aftermath of an identical situation. Together 24 years, married almost 22. Wtf? I am baffled and he is doing everything to hold on and severely remorseful. How long were you married? It’s baffling to me. He is chasing me hard and doing everything to try for forgiveness.

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

I think you are doing amazingly well. I would not come here looking to solve a problem you don't have.

I would have loved to be in a marriage like yours.

I am divorced after 10 years and only stayed early in the marriage due to an unplanned pregnancy. The entire marriage was 90% sexless. We did not love each other and did not like each other and never spent any time together and it was a mistake from the beginning.

What you describe--frequent sex, loving each other and loving your family is as good as it gets. Truly.

[Anonymous]

You're describing a good long- term marriage. Friends/ business partners with benefits.

Marriage is not dating, and long- term marriage is not newly married. Stop looking to those acts/entities as guides.

[Anonymous]

Married twenty, together twenty five. We always had and have a great sex life, and still do, but our lives are more complicated and we are older, so no it is not typically the same high heat or frequency. We are mellower than in our twenties too but it can still be really good. But I did go through a period of sort of grieving young couple heat. A writer I like said the following, which i have come to accept, something like, if after many years together you can have fifteen minutes together where you are transported sexually and forget the dishes, the money, etc and can connect and leave this world for awhile, that is a really good thing. Don't assume you are missing out.

[Anonymous]

This chart was a real eye opener for me. By your 40s, which is 15 years of marriage for a lot of folks, only 23% are still having sex more than once a week and by your 50s, which is the 20-25 year mark, half of couples are sexless (by definition sex once a month or less). Those stats include second marriage which have more sexual frequency.

https://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2014/12/4/sex-question-friday-how-often-do-married-couples-have-sex

Point being, its an ugly secret that a lot of married people just stop doing it (at least with each other), which is why things like affairs and divorce that seem so out of bounds as young couples become common when you get older.

You must make an effort to keep the sexual flame alive, and once a week is doing fine, relatively speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had sex 3 x per week, dated weekly thanks to a nanny, did adult get always 2x / year.

Very passionate together, loved each other’s company, got along with family, intellectually stimulating conversation.

But he cheated and he is moving out.

Dang..I'm so sorry. Why did he cheat, then? I guess it's not always due to lack of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had sex 3 x per week, dated weekly thanks to a nanny, did adult get always 2x / year.

Very passionate together, loved each other’s company, got along with family, intellectually stimulating conversation.

But he cheated and he is moving out.

Dang..I'm so sorry. Why did he cheat, then? I guess it's not always due to lack of sex.

Sometimes its as simple as the desire for novelty. And they think they won't get caught