If you’ve been with your partner for 12-20 + years & have kids

[Anonymous]

Together 17 years, married 10, two elementary kids.
Had a tough time awhile back- felt no emotional connection, no sexual connection (I was denied often), and I was left doing everything for kids and house.
We recovered & reconnected. He came around and completely listened and changed. Much better place now and much stronger relationship. He describes it as having rebuilt from our foundation and I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had sex 3 x per week, dated weekly thanks to a nanny, did adult get always 2x / year.

Very passionate together, loved each other’s company, got along with family, intellectually stimulating conversation.

But he cheated and he is moving out.

I’m in the immediate aftermath of an identical situation. Together 24 years, married almost 22. Wtf? I am baffled and he is doing everything to hold on and severely remorseful. How long were you married? It’s baffling to me. He is chasing me hard and doing everything to try for forgiveness.

How old are your kids?

Dated 6 years (met when 24). Married 20 years when it happened. Kids were in middle and high school. He moved to the nanny suite so the kids didn't have to deal with 2 houses. He did intense, intense therapy (3x a week for 2-3 years). Diagnosed with PTSD... but he is moving out now the youngest is going to college. He also chased me hard and our family therapist basically begged me to forgive him. I forgave him but I'm not sleeping with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had sex 3 x per week, dated weekly thanks to a nanny, did adult get always 2x / year.

Very passionate together, loved each other’s company, got along with family, intellectually stimulating conversation.

But he cheated and he is moving out.

Dang..I'm so sorry. Why did he cheat, then? I guess it's not always due to lack of sex.

Sometimes its as simple as the desire for novelty. And they think they won't get caught

This. And then they are amazed at the destruction and detestation. They cause their wives, kids, friends and parents.

They inevitably say it was not worth the cheap sex, especially in a ling marriage with so much history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have sex once a week. She has a stressful job and we have 3 kids.

It's usually very exciting. When life gets less stressful, we have more sex.

She'd probably put out more often if I told her I really needed it, but I'd rather wait for when she's really into it.

We had to have MANY conversations to get here. We had ups and downs like anyone else.

Please retire the phrase "she puts out."

[Anonymous]

OP, turn off that stupid ass podcast and live YOUR life, which sounds like includes a very good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Married 10 years and no sex since Jan. And that was boring and not good. I know DH isn’t cheating but between his ED, insecurity and lack of imagination I don’t care. However we are great parents and friends and truly “business” partners. I would never blow up my family for lack of sex. Hell cheating would be more honorable than making my kids suffer for my husbands issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have sex 1-2 a week, which I wouldn't say is infrequent for being together for 20 years and having 3 kids.

The thing is, I often feel like we are more like "business partners"/best friends than we are lovers, if you know what I mean? I listen to the podcast Girls Gotta Eat a lot. The hosts are in their thirties and they talk about sex and relationships. They mostly focus on the dating end of relationships but the way they talk about it often makes me miss that period of life. They're always talking about how they want someone to "excite" them every day and "light them up."

We have sex because it feels good and there is an expectation that you need to be having sex at least once a week in order to have a strong marriage. But it's not like either of us is really dying to rip the other's clothes off anymore. He gets in that mood more often than me but it's not a daily thing for him either anymore.

Idk. We love each other and we love our family. We're comfortable together. We trust and respect each other. We talk a lot and remember to verbally appreciate small acts of kindness. But I wouldn't say he excites me anymore.

I don't think we're doing a good job of keeping the "spark" alive. We have really great sex but in between we're more like business partners dealing with our joint project which is our house and family.

Does anyone else relate to this? I feel like we're doing something wrong.

This sounds like my marriage. In the scheme of things, I think I have it pretty good. We get along well, enjoy the family and life we’ve built together, and love and support each other. That said, I get lonely and sad at times and wish DH and I could actually enjoy and have fun with each other in a way we just don’t right now And haven’t for a while. A big part is that DH isn’t really a “fun” type. I’ve kind of given up on doing anything about it right now because it feels like one more thing on my already full plate and DH seems absolutely content with our once weekly sex (he’s always been pretty low drive) and going our separate ways after the kids go to bed most nights. I’m hoping at some point we might enter a new phase but for now I just try to appreciate what we do have. At least it’s better than the conflict in some of my friend and siblings’ marriages. As a business partner he’s a total catch at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're describing a good long- term marriage. Friends/ business partners with benefits.

Marriage is not dating, and long- term marriage is not newly married. Stop looking to those acts/entities as guides.

Agree with this...and it's my marriage....but....

Then why is cheating so devastating? I mean, my only shot at having a night or two of hot sex and passion again before I die is to cheat or divorce. Can't I get one good last romp in and why can't the betrayed spouse see it is something as simple as that and not a reflection of the entire marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're describing a good long- term marriage. Friends/ business partners with benefits.

Marriage is not dating, and long- term marriage is not newly married. Stop looking to those acts/entities as guides.

Agree with this...and it's my marriage....but....

Then why is cheating so devastating? I mean, my only shot at having a night or two of hot sex and passion again before I die is to cheat or divorce. Can't I get one good last romp in and why can't the betrayed spouse see it is something as simple as that and not a reflection of the entire marriage?

How often is it good the first time? Rarely, and repeat romps are pretty hurtful.

Anyway, lots of people who have been married for decades still have hot sex, though it might require a lot of all kinds of foreplay and/or a getaway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This chart was a real eye opener for me. By your 40s, which is 15 years of marriage for a lot of folks, only 23% are still having sex more than once a week and by your 50s, which is the 20-25 year mark, half of couples are sexless (by definition sex once a month or less). Those stats include second marriage which have more sexual frequency.

https://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2014/12/4/sex-question-friday-how-often-do-married-couples-have-sex

Point being, its an ugly secret that a lot of married people just stop doing it (at least with each other), which is why things like affairs and divorce that seem so out of bounds as young couples become common when you get older.

You must make an effort to keep the sexual flame alive, and once a week is doing fine, relatively speaking.

If you lay that chart over a chart showing age relative to sex hormones, there is nothing ugly or secret about it. It is normal. But our love of literature and movies highlights the hot and heavy, which is fun and exciting, so some people can’t separate fact from fiction. Movies about lovely, quiet evenings reading on the porch, listening for bird calls, after sharing the cooking, meal, and clean up just aren’t made. But that is a loving and happy evening in a solid marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have sex 1-2 a week, which I wouldn't say is infrequent for being together for 20 years and having 3 kids.

The thing is, I often feel like we are more like "business partners"/best friends than we are lovers, if you know what I mean? I listen to the podcast Girls Gotta Eat a lot. The hosts are in their thirties and they talk about sex and relationships. They mostly focus on the dating end of relationships but the way they talk about it often makes me miss that period of life. They're always talking about how they want someone to "excite" them every day and "light them up."

We have sex because it feels good and there is an expectation that you need to be having sex at least once a week in order to have a strong marriage. But it's not like either of us is really dying to rip the other's clothes off anymore. He gets in that mood more often than me but it's not a daily thing for him either anymore.

Idk. We love each other and we love our family. We're comfortable together. We trust and respect each other. We talk a lot and remember to verbally appreciate small acts of kindness. But I wouldn't say he excites me anymore.

I don't think we're doing a good job of keeping the "spark" alive. We have really great sex but in between we're more like business partners dealing with our joint project which is our house and family.

Does anyone else relate to this? I feel like we're doing something wrong.

Your current thoughts are what drive idiots to cheat. Chasing that excitement of a new relationship. The only way to keep that feeling is to keep ending and starting new relationships...which some people do. Your choice. I prefer the longterm marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years and no sex since Jan. And that was boring and not good. I know DH isn’t cheating but between his ED, insecurity and lack of imagination I don’t care. However we are great parents and friends and truly “business” partners. I would never blow up my family for lack of sex. Hell cheating would be more honorable than making my kids suffer for my husbands issues.

Wait until the sexlessness goes for years. Had a dry spell of 3 years then sex one time, dry spell for 4 years, then one attempt at sex and never again. I
Used to say what you did when it first became sexless. This started at the start of my marriage though and all of this sexlessness was in my 30s. In my 40s now and divorced. There were other issues but this key one made me leave eventually. It was not a marriage. No sex since Jan is not that awful. Wait until you start counting years—you may change your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years and no sex since Jan. And that was boring and not good. I know DH isn’t cheating but between his ED, insecurity and lack of imagination I don’t care. However we are great parents and friends and truly “business” partners. I would never blow up my family for lack of sex. Hell cheating would be more honorable than making my kids suffer for my husbands issues.

Wait until the sexlessness goes for years. Had a dry spell of 3 years then sex one time, dry spell for 4 years, then one attempt at sex and never again. I
Used to say what you did when it first became sexless. This started at the start of my marriage though and all of this sexlessness was in my 30s. In my 40s now and divorced. There were other issues but this key one made me leave eventually. It was not a marriage. No sex since Jan is not that awful. Wait until you start counting years—you may change your mind.

Both of us are in our mid 60’s and we have sex at least once a week. From the data previously posted about 35% of couples our age have sex weekly or a few times a month. I’m happy to be in that group. I’m sure my husband would like it more but I do my best to make the one time a week very enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, turn off that stupid ass podcast and live YOUR life, which sounds like includes a very good marriage.

Best reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years and no sex since Jan. And that was boring and not good. I know DH isn’t cheating but between his ED, insecurity and lack of imagination I don’t care. However we are great parents and friends and truly “business” partners. I would never blow up my family for lack of sex. Hell cheating would be more honorable than making my kids suffer for my husbands issues.

Wait until the sexlessness goes for years. Had a dry spell of 3 years then sex one time, dry spell for 4 years, then one attempt at sex and never again. I
Used to say what you did when it first became sexless. This started at the start of my marriage though and all of this sexlessness was in my 30s. In my 40s now and divorced. There were other issues but this key one made me leave eventually. It was not a marriage. No sex since Jan is not that awful. Wait until you start counting years—you may change your mind.

Both of us are in our mid 60’s and we have sex at least once a week. From the data previously posted about 35% of couples our age have sex weekly or a few times a month. I’m happy to be in that group. I’m sure my husband would like it more but I do my best to make the one time a week very enjoyable.

Sex once a week is fine for almost any age. My post was about marriages being completely sexless for years. I am not why you responded to my post. I was commenting to the poster who said no sex since January and I said it was not that bad. Once a week is not close to sexless. Even once a month is okay. I was talking about YEARS. (and I was in my 30s). I would love once a week in my 60s.