If you’ve been with your partner for 12-20 + years & have kids

[Anonymous]

Married 20 years, 3 teenagers. I could have written your post. Sigh....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This chart was a real eye opener for me. By your 40s, which is 15 years of marriage for a lot of folks, only 23% are still having sex more than once a week and by your 50s, which is the 20-25 year mark, half of couples are sexless (by definition sex once a month or less). Those stats include second marriage which have more sexual frequency.

https://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2014/12/4/sex-question-friday-how-often-do-married-couples-have-sex

Point being, its an ugly secret that a lot of married people just stop doing it (at least with each other), which is why things like affairs and divorce that seem so out of bounds as young couples become common when you get older.

You must make an effort to keep the sexual flame alive, and once a week is doing fine, relatively speaking.

If you lay that chart over a chart showing age relative to sex hormones, there is nothing ugly or secret about it. It is normal. But our love of literature and movies highlights the hot and heavy, which is fun and exciting, so some people can’t separate fact from fiction. Movies about lovely, quiet evenings reading on the porch, listening for bird calls, after sharing the cooking, meal, and clean up just aren’t made. But that is a loving and happy evening in a solid marriage.

I found this sad, actually. I mean, yes of course that type of non-sexual intimacy is fine if you are 75 and sitting in rocking chairs, but for people in their 40s and 50s, in years 12-20 of marriage, to have intimacy resigned to contentment and birdwatching in lieu of steamy sex and passion just isn't a good trade, at least not for men.

[Anonymous]

I remember at 22 my friend commenting she and her bf (who she married) we’re having sex about 3 times a month and I was like WTF? My then bf (now DH) and I were having sex probably about 5 times a week. But now we’re in our 40s and sex 3 times a month is fine. Sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less. I don’t think it’s realistic to think your drive and frequency will match what some people who are younger, in new relationships, and not juggling kids are doing according to their podcast. Do you and your partner like the frequency given other demands for time and attention? If yes, great. If no, talk about it / come up with a plan.

[Anonymous]

There are ups and downs to every long time relationship. The years where you are rearing your children can be tough in terms of having time alone together, but when all the kids are out of the house, life can be extremely romantic and fun with your partner. Just hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're describing a good long- term marriage. Friends/ business partners with benefits.

Marriage is not dating, and long- term marriage is not newly married. Stop looking to those acts/entities as guides.

Agree with this...and it's my marriage....but....

Then why is cheating so devastating? I mean, my only shot at having a night or two of hot sex and passion again before I die is to cheat or divorce. Can't I get one good last romp in and why can't the betrayed spouse see it is something as simple as that and not a reflection of the entire marriage?

Idiots like you have it made, most wish they could be in your shoes yet you'd throw it all away over a loser whose willing to cheat with a married person. You need to upgrade your character and morals, that's the real issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're describing a good long- term marriage. Friends/ business partners with benefits.

Marriage is not dating, and long- term marriage is not newly married. Stop looking to those acts/entities as guides.

Agree with this...and it's my marriage....but....

Then why is cheating so devastating? I mean, my only shot at having a night or two of hot sex and passion again before I die is to cheat or divorce. Can't I get one good last romp in and why can't the betrayed spouse see it is something as simple as that and not a reflection of the entire marriage?

Idiots like you have it made, most wish they could be in your shoes yet you'd throw it all away over a loser whose willing to cheat with a married person. You need to upgrade your character and morals, that's the real issue.

Agree. So the wives are supposed to feel sorry for the woman who has a shitty relationship with her spouse. We are supposed to be magnanimous and let her partake of our hot husband. Okay...sure thing, loser. All the OW has to offer is that she’s “different”. My ex didn’t even do 69 or all the other kinky stuff we did throughout our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're describing a good long- term marriage. Friends/ business partners with benefits.

Marriage is not dating, and long- term marriage is not newly married. Stop looking to those acts/entities as guides.

Agree with this...and it's my marriage....but....

Then why is cheating so devastating? I mean, my only shot at having a night or two of hot sex and passion again before I die is to cheat or divorce. Can't I get one good last romp in and why can't the betrayed spouse see it is something as simple as that and not a reflection of the entire marriage?

Idiots like you have it made, most wish they could be in your shoes yet you'd throw it all away over a loser whose willing to cheat with a married person. You need to upgrade your character and morals, that's the real issue.

Agree. So the wives are supposed to feel sorry for the woman who has a shitty relationship with her spouse. We are supposed to be magnanimous and let her partake of our hot husband. Okay...sure thing, loser. All the OW has to offer is that she’s “different”. My ex didn’t even do 69 or all the other kinky stuff we did throughout our marriage.

PP you are responding to. Yikes, most of the reason I had an affair was to do all the things my wife refused. But anyway, its water under the bridge now, seemed necessary at the time but in hindsight when not thinking with my little brain, not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're describing a good long- term marriage. Friends/ business partners with benefits.

Marriage is not dating, and long- term marriage is not newly married. Stop looking to those acts/entities as guides.

Agree with this...and it's my marriage....but....

Then why is cheating so devastating? I mean, my only shot at having a night or two of hot sex and passion again before I die is to cheat or divorce. Can't I get one good last romp in and why can't the betrayed spouse see it is something as simple as that and not a reflection of the entire marriage?

Idiots like you have it made, most wish they could be in your shoes yet you'd throw it all away over a loser whose willing to cheat with a married person. You need to upgrade your character and morals, that's the real issue.

Agree. So the wives are supposed to feel sorry for the woman who has a shitty relationship with her spouse. We are supposed to be magnanimous and let her partake of our hot husband. Okay...sure thing, loser. All the OW has to offer is that she’s “different”. My ex didn’t even do 69 or all the other kinky stuff we did throughout our marriage.

PP you are responding to. Yikes, most of the reason I had an affair was to do all the things my wife refused. But anyway, its water under the bridge now, seemed necessary at the time but in hindsight when not thinking with my little brain, not worth it.

NP. No, cheating isn't just an act, it's cheating which means it's also about trust and respect and so a reflection on marriage? If you wanted sex with someone else, you should have divorced your wife first. Your mindset still sucks BTW. You do know you're an a-hole right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are ups and downs to every long time relationship. The years where you are rearing your children can be tough in terms of having time alone together, but when all the kids are out of the house, life can be extremely romantic and fun with your partner. Just hang in there.

This is very true! We always had a decent sex life when our kids were around but once we became empty nesters it really heated up. No more muffled close door sex or being worried that someone would knock on the door. Now the doors are open, the music is playing, the candles are lit and the fun begins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are ups and downs to every long time relationship. The years where you are rearing your children can be tough in terms of having time alone together, but when all the kids are out of the house, life can be extremely romantic and fun with your partner. Just hang in there.

This is very true! We always had a decent sex life when our kids were around but once we became empty nesters it really heated up. No more muffled close door sex or being worried that someone would knock on the door. Now the doors are open, the music is playing, the candles are lit and the fun begins.

This can be true. For couples that maintained at least a decent sexual connection, there is hope for a rebirth when the nest empties. For those that neglected their sexual connection, it's usually the divorces or infidelity that follows the empty nest.

[Anonymous]

The problem is — if you’re visual — most sex isn’t going to be as hot once the kids leave the nest cuz you’re more old, flabby and wrinkly. Younger sex is hotter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are ups and downs to every long time relationship. The years where you are rearing your children can be tough in terms of having time alone together, but when all the kids are out of the house, life can be extremely romantic and fun with your partner. Just hang in there.

This is very true! We always had a decent sex life when our kids were around but once we became empty nesters it really heated up. No more muffled close door sex or being worried that someone would knock on the door. Now the doors are open, the music is playing, the candles are lit and the fun begins.

This can be true. For couples that maintained at least a decent sexual connection, there is hope for a rebirth when the nest empties. For those that neglected their sexual connection, it's usually the divorces or infidelity that follows the empty nest.

Nope. Couples without a sexual connection are having infidelity long before the nest empties.

[Anonymous]

Toys and communication. She likes toys and we both talk about we like and what feels good. My experience tells me couples that just start out lack communication in the sex department. Right out of the gate, make your sexual preferences known. Couples need to be sexually compatible or they’re doomed.

[Anonymous]

Together 13 years and 3 kids. We have a wonderful marriage, very affectionate, loving, sex 3x per week and still have that spark.

Honestly, I credit it to DH. He is very playful and fun ( I am more serious) and I try to match his mood. So when he teases or flirts I don’t shut him down and I try to do the same even if it does t come as naturally to me.

It makes it easy that we are financially stable, kids go to bed at 8, and we are good at working out our differences without huge fights (like our early years).

I don’t know that I have advice, but try to think about how your mood and tone were with your DH when there was a spark. Where you playful? More spontaneous? Had new things to share? Engaged in outside interests? Unlikely it was all friendship and business decisions. You can’t turn back the clock but maybe try to recapture some of that attitude and interaction with each other.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t going to be helpful but I believe it’s chemistry and both of us having a high sex drive. Nineteen years together and he walks in a room or a hear his voice and I am already in the mood. My advice is to prioritize your marriage which can be tricky with DCs but don’t make the mistakes I have seen in too many marriages where the wife is completely swept up in the role of Mom to the detriment of her marriage. This may not be popular but after the first six weeks the Baby goes in its own room. Hire sitters for date nights (we did Brunches because of sleep deprivation) and at least a week away together every year. Keep it spicey....wear a skirt with nothing underneath and whisper it to your DH who will definitely be focused on you at dinner and very helpful getting the kids in bed on time.