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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Divorced two years. Male. Happy. Kids with me most of the time despite 50/50 on paper; they prefer me. As they get older they see in my ex what drove us to divorce.

The most interesting thing to me is my complete lack of desire to date. I tried once or twice but I just ... don’t... care. I would rather spend time with my kids or be solo or with friends.

Didn’t see that one coming.[/quote]

Were you cheated on? I am a female who was cheated on and I have no real desire to date either. And I'm not even 40 yet. Sigh.[/quote]

Yes, I was. I'm also 48 and just … tired. I did date one woman briefly and found myself just not really enjoying it or feeling "ready." I think I did it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. But then it became clear she wanted to move her and her daughter in with me and my kids, and I finally drew a line and told her no one was ever moving in, certainly not before both my kids were in college. She left the next day and was paired up with someone new three weeks later, so what I learned from that is [b]women (my ex-wife included) generally are more interested in what men can DO for them than in being a partner who appreciates men for who they are.[/b]

I'm too tired to deal with it. [/quote]

Wow. Please stay single unless you can get over the whole misogyny thing and see women as actual individuals, some of whom are good people and some of whom aren’t.[/quote]

+1. Plus pp was clearly using this woman. How dare she want more of a relationship when he was having a great time keeping her at arm's length and just enjoying steady sex.[/quote]

I wasn’t “using” this woman. She moved the goalposts with the expectations we set at the beginning, which was to be exclusive but “dating” in that we would each keep our own abodes and see each other 2-3 times a week. It very quickly became clear she wanted to see each other every day and any variance from that required some acknowledgement that she was sacrificing something. Along with that it became expectations for constant texts throughout the day — fail to reply to one soon enough and there was a mild freakout. And she was constantly asking for affirmation of the relationship. We dated for 8 months. I liked her. It just got to be too suffocating. When it got to the point where my own daughter was avoiding the house because she and her daughter were there — that’s when it became crystal clear that she was making me prioritize her over my own kids. So that’s when I broke up with her. And, again, she promptly hooked up with someone new three weeks later so it wasn’t really ME she was interested in. [/quote]

That's the definition of using her. You wanted to keep her neatly compartmentalized and just see her on your terms without consideration for what she wanted. You're upset that she developed feelings for you when that wasn't part of the "deal" you demanded. Just stay single. Your outlook is messed up. She made you prioritize her and her child above your own? She must not have been interested in you because she had the self respect to move on when you made it clear to her that she didn't mean much to you?

You need professional help. You're passing on these misogynistic views to your children.[/quote]

PP here.

Uh, no. You're projecting.  It wasn't a "deal" I "demanded." In fact, that was the arrangement SHE initially described, to which I agreed. What you don't seem to grasp is the "feelings" didn't "develop" over time -- the neediness emerged very quickly and began to border on possessiveness. It wasn't ME she was so interested in so much as the "relationship." Maybe it wasn't so much moving the goalposts as a bait-and-switch. And, yes, when she started having her daughter (who I liked well enough) sleep at my place more regularly and my own kids were uncomfortable and she was criticizing my kids for not being more welcoming, that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I don't really care that she moved on -- I'm just saying that announcing to the world you're in a relationship with someone new three weeks later suggests those "feelings" you seem to believe she had for me weren't particularly deep. She was motivated more by needing to be partnered than by feelings for someone.

I gave it 8 months. I treated her well. But the accumulation of drama and need became too much. I had told her very early on that I wouldn't live with anyone at least as long as my kids were in my house. I don't know if she forgot or chose to ignore it. But it was patently clear to me her ultimate goal was for that to happen -- she wanted to be taken care of.

I was consistent and communicated clearly. And I finally found the spine I lost in my marriage.

You throw around the word "misogyny" much too casually.
[/quote]

You should have dumped her sooner or told her no to her and her kids sleeping there when your kids are there and should have set clear boundaries.  Not all women are like that.[/quote]

Yes, I am aware that I should have dumped her sooner. That spine thing is something I am working on in therapy.[/quote]

When the timing is right, you will meet the right person.  My husband didn't want to marry again after his ex - she did a number on him.  We've been married over 15 years with kids.  Glad he changed his mine.  Her loss is my gain and he's a great husband and father.  [/quote]

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