DH just asked for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Manage to get fired now, and then stick him with the bill.

Awful advice. Alimony would be temporary and good luck getting back into the workforce at the same rate of pay and level of position. OP--do not listen to this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lawyer.

Offer marriage counseling. If you can save your marriage, put your spouse first this time.

THis. If you can save your marriage, your spouse comes dead first. Your child comes second. Your relatives are a distant third that you see maybe once a month or once a quarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares if he is having an affair or not he has told his wife he doesn't want to be married to her anymore. That is all the information she needs.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.

WTF?

It sounds like the DH is being reasonable. If they have 50/50 custody and similar incomes, OP might not even qualify to receive child support.

If you’re both reasonable, you can probably save a ton on lawyers and just use a mediator. If you push for crazy things like full custody, don’t be surprised if he fights back. The lawyers will be the only ones who win in that situation. I also think it’s interesting that your son chose to stay with his dad instead of joining you on your weekend trip. Could the son be a lot more introverted (like his father) than you’d care to admit? Maybe if 50/50 custody isn’t on the table he would chose to live with his dad instead of OP... Then she’s stuck never seeing her kid and paying child support. Don’t be stupid and don’t try to push your luck.

Op here.

That is what he wants to do, avoid using attorneys to save on legal fees to pay down debt instead.

He has always been reclusive. The more time he spent with my family though, the less he wanted to. He said he feels like there’s no joy in our marriage. It was our sixth wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. He had a big breakfast spread for me and a card with flowers. I didn’t get him anything in return because we said we weren’t doing gifts.

He then was upset today that I am able to plan our my nieces and nephews birthdays but apparently "do nothing" for him. I think he is a borderline narcissist because he sets me up for things like that.

And for the record, his family isn’t perfect and HIS parents are also alcoholics. That’s why he never sees them.

Here is the thing. If you want to make your marriage work you need to put your husband and your marriage first. Do you go on weekend trips with your husband? Step back on planning your nieces birthdays.
Do you want to lose your marriage because it is all about your family? You need to decline a lot of the once a week things and focus on your husband and your marriage if you want to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Please don't take advice from randos on the internet who don't know you, your husband, what your family dynamics are like etc.

My advice excluded

[Anonymous]

OP, tell him to move out and work out a custody agreement and who pays for what. You deserve someone who loves you.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you don't think anything is wrong with your behavior. You think he is a borderline narcissist and you want him to go along with all your plans. You appear to dismiss his complaints. He tried for 6 years. He sounds done, but maybe counseling will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised he married you in the first place. He didn’t know your family were freaks? I’m an extrovert, I like hanging out with family but I’d steer clear of yours. Alcoholics - that’s disgusting. The only thing - I’d fight for more child support. 500 is not much.

They have equal income and will share 50/50 custody. In court she will not get anything and they'd probably just share child care expenses, health care costs and activities and each provide clothing for their houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I still think he's having an affair.

How would one pull off having an affair these days? At least in my house, we're all stuck at home and together 24/7. Unless one of us gets busy with a dashing paramour in the produce aisle during a run to Whole Foods, it's just not an option logistically.

Online.. when she's in another room, sleeping or it happened before covid.

[Anonymous]

So you spend time weekly with your family and leave your husband and child home?

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t listen to him at all. He has valid complaints. Now t wanting to spend every weekend with your racist alcoholic relatives doesn’t make him a recluse. You ARE enmeshed, to an obviously unhealthy degree. It ruined your marriage.

He is being extraordinarily generous by offering you two things that you would not get in court.. more equity than you deserve and more child support than he has to pay. Take it and get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t listen to him at all. He has valid complaints. Now t wanting to spend every weekend with your racist alcoholic relatives doesn’t make him a recluse. You ARE enmeshed, to an obviously unhealthy degree. It ruined your marriage.

He is being extraordinarily generous by offering you two things that you would not get in court.. more equity than you deserve and more child support than he has to pay. Take it and get some therapy.

OP nor he is willing to change. His reasons are valid. Have him move out and get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.

WTF?

It sounds like the DH is being reasonable. If they have 50/50 custody and similar incomes, OP might not even qualify to receive child support.

If you’re both reasonable, you can probably save a ton on lawyers and just use a mediator. If you push for crazy things like full custody, don’t be surprised if he fights back. The lawyers will be the only ones who win in that situation. I also think it’s interesting that your son chose to stay with his dad instead of joining you on your weekend trip. Could the son be a lot more introverted (like his father) than you’d care to admit? Maybe if 50/50 custody isn’t on the table he would chose to live with his dad instead of OP... Then she’s stuck never seeing her kid and paying child support. Don’t be stupid and don’t try to push your luck.

Op here.

That is what he wants to do, avoid using attorneys to save on legal fees to pay down debt instead.

He has always been reclusive. The more time he spent with my family though, the less he wanted to. He said he feels like there’s no joy in our marriage. It was our sixth wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. He had a big breakfast spread for me and a card with flowers. I didn’t get him anything in return because we said we weren’t doing gifts.

He then was upset today that I am able to plan our my nieces and nephews birthdays but apparently "do nothing" for him. I think he is a borderline narcissist because he sets me up for things like that.

And for the record, his family isn’t perfect and HIS parents are also alcoholics. That’s why he never sees them.

Op he spent time around your family and it didn't work. You shouldn't be fighting him on this. He doesn't want your child around an alcoholic, good decision on his part. If he did a nice breakfast spread for you, did you bother to do a nice dinner for him? If doesn't have to be a gift it can just be something thoughtful. Even if you weren't planning on it how hard would it have been to just get something throughout the day. He is right, your marriage sounds cold and it isn't him.

If he doesn't want to see his own parents who were alcoholics then I can't imagine why you would expect him to be around yours. He is not a narcissist, it just sounds like you two are not suited to each other. I agree with him, keep the lawyers out of it and get a mediator. Somehow with your background I don't think you'll do this, you will create trouble for him get lawyers but in the end you will only bring yourself down end up with your original debts and a whole heap of new debt and then cry victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no chance he would have to pay alimony so take this deal as quickly as you can before he gets any advice.

And if you both make similar salaries, there’s no way he’d be paying child support either.

He’s being generous.

It depends on how he views his obligations. My ex was paying me child support, despite us having similar incomes. But he did not pay a penny more for anything. Medical insurance, deductibles, summer camps, babysitters - I was ultimately responsible for everything. I had my own reasons to accept the deal, but I don’t think it was that generous.

[Anonymous]

Lol at all the bending over backwards to defend the OP. Sounds like she and her family were the problems. DH made a go of it and tried his best but it's simply too much for him, especially considering being an introvert. I get it. OP seems completely oblivious to his issues and he's been suffering through it for years. He knows when it's time to close up shop - sometimes marriages are square pegs/round holes and they end up miserable for one of you. Nothing wrong with it. Try counseling, by all means, but be prepared to comply with some strong asks of his. He is graciously throwing in the towel and giving you a generous/easy out. Just take it and be done with it and no sense in making him miserable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him file. Then fight him tooth and nail for full custody and every penny you can squeeze out of him. Sounds like a loser anyway. You will be fine. Oh, and line up a date as soon as possible and rub his face in it.

Why should she fight for full custody? You're advising her to use her child as a pawn to spite her husband? What is wrong with you?

lots of trolls in this thread.