DH just asked for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team husband. You say it’s a blindside, I disagree. It sounds like he’s been telling you, you just didn’t care enough to listen.

+1

OP, it sounds like you have never prioritized your marriage and that you think of your family of origin as your “family.”

It also sounds as if your DH has been trying to communicate this for years, and that you have turned a deaf ear to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally when people post about their spouses, they manage to make themselves look great and the spouse look terrible.

Congrats OP, this is a first. Even your version of your DH sounds like a man who has patiently tried to make you happy by putting up with your obnoxious alcoholic enmeshed family, and finally reached his breaking point and wants an amicable divorce. Your twisting of the lovely breakfast that he made for you complete with flowers and card, was truly epic. He "set you up". Wow.

You had it, you didn't take his feelings into account, and now you've lost it. Next time try listening.

This is what I picked up as well. The more OP keeps volunteering, the more she reveals that she is the issue. Barely acknowledge her anniversary, prioritizing her niece and nephew's birthday (WTF?), etc - all too much for her DH to handle. Her DH has been probably signaling to her for years but she is clueless.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people with the crazy advice? The husband put forth a reasonable plan. Move on with it.

Divorce sucks OP. And sucks even more with lawyers involved sending you big bills every month to eventually get to an agreement you could have had for free.

It is reasonable but I'd have him move out now if he's that unhappy. No need to drag things out.

Exactly. Having been divorced with kids and having lots of divorced friends I would say to literally just move on as quickly as possible. Do what it takes. Take some weekends to do whatever you need to clear your head, binge drink and smoke, cry, stay with your parents and cry, whatever it may be, but you need to embrace that this change is gonna happen and move on. Be thankful he’s not being a dick up front on these issues.

Binge drink and smoke. Great advice for the adult child of an alcoholic who is responsible for a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Most kids aren't in travel sports and that is a luxury. $500 with 50/50 is far more than enough as each parent provides for the needs in their home.

My daughter does travel volleyball. That figure is about right and doesn’t include travel cost for us, only tournament fees. And, a lot of kids, especially during teenage years, do travel sports. If OP is in an affluent household then private school costs would be a factor.

I don’t know any kids that don’t do travel sports. We are in a wealthy neighborhood, but my siblings and cousins who are not all ha e kids in travel sports. It’s very common.

Its only very common for wealthy. We do team sports and I don't know anyone in travel and the few who did it only did it for a year. It doesn't really make sense and its a non-issue as OP child is young. Either they split the cost if they agree or the parent who wants it pays. Simple.

[Anonymous]

<<Also, coming from a daughter of an alcoholic there is nothing like exposure to an active alcoholic to prevent a child from becoming one>>

Really, have you seen the data on substance abuse risk for those raised by addicts?? Obviously, you have not.

And then there is the little issue of genetics.

Your kids need to see role models who have no relationship with alcohol, or a healthy one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking someone to see your family once a week is quite a lot.

Agree. I love my husband so much and we are happy (most of the time), but there is absolutely NO WAY o could see his family weekly. NO WAY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asking someone to see your family once a week is quite a lot.

Agree. I love my husband so much and we are happy (most of the time), but there is absolutely NO WAY o could see his family weekly. NO WAY.

Same. We would be divorced by now if I forced DW to spend time with her MIL on a weekly basis.

[Anonymous]

You two are not a match. Time to divorce peacefully and move on. Focus on being good parents to your child, and enjoy life in your own directions.

[Anonymous]

Do you love him? If so, fight for your marriage. Tell him, ask for counseling, pull back on your family. If you want your now dc to feel about his family the way you do about yours then you have to first give him one.

I’m so sorry and hope there is still a small part of your marriage left that your DH will fight for as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I still think he's having an affair.

How would one pull off having an affair these days? At least in my house, we're all stuck at home and together 24/7. Unless one of us gets busy with a dashing paramour in the produce aisle during a run to Whole Foods, it's just not an option logistically.

No, I don't think he's having an affair. If he were affairing he'd be cranky, defensive, verbally combative. Secretive of his phone, dismissive of OP, not upset that she couldn't get her act together and say happy anniversary. He'd be lashing out verbally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Maybe Polo? Dressage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Maybe Polo? Dressage?

lol

Most of my circles are making 200 -300K HHI — so, not poor by any means. Nobody could afford to pay 38,400/year just for one kid to play one sport. That’s 76,800/year for 2 kids! Just for sports? No way!

Come on, this is idiocy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$500 month? Wtf?

That’s nothing.

My kids are 12 and 14. Travel sport alone is $3200k each. We haven’t even gotten to school costs, food, clothing.

How much do you make?

3200/month for what travel sport??

Maybe Polo? Dressage?

lol

Most of my circles are making 200 -300K HHI — so, not poor by any means. Nobody could afford to pay 38,400/year just for one kid to play one sport. That’s 76,800/year for 2 kids! Just for sports? No way!

Come on, this is idiocy.

I think the PP means $3200 per season...and that definitely sounds about right for a season of a travel sport in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people with the crazy advice? The husband put forth a reasonable plan. Move on with it.

Divorce sucks OP. And sucks even more with lawyers involved sending you big bills every month to eventually get to an agreement you could have had for free.

It is reasonable but I'd have him move out now if he's that unhappy. No need to drag things out.

Exactly. Having been divorced with kids and having lots of divorced friends I would say to literally just move on as quickly as possible. Do what it takes. Take some weekends to do whatever you need to clear your head, binge drink and smoke, cry, stay with your parents and cry, whatever it may be, but you need to embrace that this change is gonna happen and move on. Be thankful he’s not being a dick up front on these issues.

Binge drink and smoke. Great advice for the adult child of an alcoholic who is responsible for a child.

Well she needs to do whatever it takes to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I still think he's having an affair.

How would one pull off having an affair these days? At least in my house, we're all stuck at home and together 24/7. Unless one of us gets busy with a dashing paramour in the produce aisle during a run to Whole Foods, it's just not an option logistically.

No, I don't think he's having an affair. If he were affairing he'd be cranky, defensive, verbally combative. Secretive of his phone, dismissive of OP, not upset that she couldn't get her act together and say happy anniversary. He'd be lashing out verbally.

Nope.

My husband was loving and completely normal for 3 years until the last few months when she was pressuring him for more.

He planned surprises, fancy dinners, was home at night, present, etc. Damn good liar and compartmentalizer. Truly baffling to everyone.