Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For men, weight is more about working out. For women, it’s 90% about food. People who push working out most likely have not lost or maintained weight loss.

Changing any habit is extremely hard (read The Power of Habit). It’s going to take a big shift to change her eating habits. [/quote]

OP, who buys the groceries? If you ever buy groceries, skip the crap, skip the snacks and desserts, buy some extra fruits and some extra already chopped carrots/veggies to have around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

Coming from someone who was 50 pounds overweight and now is not, only OP's wife can decide to lose weight. OP, you can mirror healthy eating for your kids and for her. If you buy the groceries stop buying any crap.
Keep making your healthy dinners for the family: protein, salad, veggie, small portion carb every time you cook meals.

[Anonymous]

Read up on Tom Sawyer and painting the fence. You start working on your health. Which one of us cannot stand to lose 5 pounds or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. . Their ratioJust like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eatnal brain can’t control their addiction to food[/quote]

OP, your wife does not sound like an alcoholic but you might read a couple of the Al Anon books for yourself. Basically the message is that only you can change you.

[Anonymous]

She's stressed OP. That's why I binge on sweets, junk and drink wine.

Offer to "babysit" all your own kids for three days a week if she wants to get away to walk, exercise, or go for spa treatments or a massage or acupuncture.

And, she also needs to see an MD and have bloodwork done to rule out diabetes or hypothyroid issues.

[Anonymous]

OP you’re shallow and don’t really love her. My STBX is 40+ lbs overweight, and that has zero to do with my feelings for him. If anything it makes me more empathetic because I know it bothers him and is due to stress/life/etc.

[Anonymous]

Ah, didn't read she refuses to walk or work out. Maybe some other stress reducing activities that don't involve food. Her choice.

[Anonymous]

OP I get that your wife doesn’t look the same as she used to but is there anything in the marriage worth saving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't live with wife + 40lbs. Kids will get over. Divorce is what I recommend.

And maybe she can’t live with your balding, Dad body. Men are always so quick to criticize women.....you do know that you all change as well when you age? I don’t care how much you work out....things change for men. And you all expect women to accept it.

Balding is 100% outside his control.
Getting fat is 100% within her control.

Understand the difference?

Here let me help.
Her fatness is like his cheating: a selfish decision.
His baldness is like her reading glasses: an age related physical change.

+1000

It’s honestly easier for a man to get hair plugs than to lose 40+lbs and keep it off. Weight loss is very, very hard. If OP’s wife had a genetic tendency to gain and a sedentary job and multiple pregnancies, then if you throw in depression and perimenopause, gaining 40lbs could be very easy. If she’s on an SSRI that could add to it.

[Anonymous]

As wife op that describes, here's what op needs to do for wife to change:

OP does grocery shopping and/or plans all the meals
OP does the cooking
OP hire a housekeeper or take over a big portion of the cleaning
OP ask wife what she needs help with to make her life less stressful so she doesn't turn to sweets to relax
OP earn more money so wife doesn't have to work full time and take care of kids/house full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't live with wife + 40lbs. Kids will get over. Divorce is what I recommend.

And maybe she can’t live with your balding, Dad body. Men are always so quick to criticize women.....you do know that you all change as well when you age? I don’t care how much you work out....things change for men. And you all expect women to accept it.

Balding is 100% outside his control.
Getting fat is 100% within her control.

Understand the difference?

Here let me help.
Her fatness is like his cheating: a selfish decision.
His baldness is like her reading glasses: an age related physical change.

+1000

It’s honestly easier for a man to get hair plugs than to lose 40+lbs and keep it off. Weight loss is very, very hard. If OP’s wife had a genetic tendency to gain and a sedentary job and multiple pregnancies, then if you throw in depression and perimenopause, gaining 40lbs could be very easy. If she’s on an SSRI that could add to it.

Weight loss is NOT hard. It literally takes “negative” effort: just eat less food. See that? Saved you 100 bites per day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]I think the kindest and most effective way to do this is to set an example with your own health/fitness, and if she’s the one cooking the dinners, to ask for healthier meals.[/b] Frame any discussions about weight or health around your own “journey”, and hopefully she will either be inspired or get the hint.

This. This. This.

+ a zillion

Only way to go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tyring to think what would get me off my tuckus to embrace change like this, with young kids.


Make doing things "together" the issue and the "things" are walking, swimming, hiking, etc. Don't go to cardio and weight lifting yet. Offer to get the kids ready, take them along, hire a sitter, or trade outdoor activity time for mommy down time.
And talk about alcohol over use.
Can you prepare snacks and leave them around? My kids will eat an apple if I cut it up, snow peas or snap peas if I wash them and leave then in a bowl, etc.
Does she see a family doctor? Can you make an appt with teh same doctor and ask for help with this? Dr. can make the focus blood pressure, diabetes, etc.

If she still won't try then you involve a marital therapist.

Really?
I would respond to my husband having actually done the work and research on what changes your weight set point and actually works, having the name of a counselor who deals with the mental issues surrounding weight loss, and having a plan on where to find the tome and money to make it happen.

If he just came to me with one more issue, and laid it at my feet to figure out how to make it happen, I would give a sincere attempt, but it likely wouldn’t last long.

I have found that my husband has responded the same way when I have wanted something from him. Help with housekeeping, for example. I didn’t “engage him in cleaning as a family.” I had a plan for what I needed someone to do, how to find a good person, and how I was going to come up with the money to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't live with wife + 40lbs. Kids will get over. Divorce is what I recommend.

And maybe she can’t live with your balding, Dad body. Men are always so quick to criticize women.....you do know that you all change as well when you age? I don’t care how much you work out....things change for men. And you all expect women to accept it.

Balding is 100% outside his control.
Getting fat is 100% within her control.

Understand the difference?

Here let me help.
Her fatness is like his cheating: a selfish decision.
His baldness is like her reading glasses: an age related physical change.

What is the decision to call your partner “disgusting?” Is that an age related change? Or a selfish decision like cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope she divorces you and finds some man who likes a little more cushion for the pushin

only low class guys like extra

Pierce Brosnan likes extra

Oh yes and he’s the ONLY one! Name another? I’ll wait.. ..

Stedman likes extra.