Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

[Anonymous]

That makes me really sad that your kids would spend an hour or two more in daycare daily just because they won't figure out a better solution for YOUR mom. Your kids and your wife are getting the short straw here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Op's dad is only 63 years old. I doubt that the adult children are going to be getting an inheritance any time soon.

This is more about doing the right thing. My dad got very sick when he was in his 60's. My mom was still working full time, I was working full time, my siblings had work/families, too, and it was just a really difficult time. You can see when a situation has become overwhelming to the point where someone is drowning. That was the situation for my mom. I stepped up and did what I could - just keeping an eye on dad for an afternoon was such a help, it wasn't much by comparison to what my mom was doing but I think it meant the world to her that I did step up.

That's interesting -- because it seems a bit like the flip side of that is happening here. The husband's family did NOT step up when OP and his wife were struggling. And it meant a lot to the wife, too, it's just that what it meant was not good. And I kind of can't blame someone who watched her in-laws leave her to struggle when she was having a hard time resist sacrificing for the in-laws when they are struggling. These parents DIDN'T help their son, but they sure expect him to help them. OP's wife maybe should be a better person than they were to her, but she's only human, and it sounds like she's pretty busy herself, if she's working and has kids.

Weirdly, when I saw what was going on with my parents I had gotten to the point where I really didn't see too much of them. I can't say that my parents had helped me much (if at all) since I had moved out of their house and moved in with roommates. I was sort of the black sheep of the family if you want to be dramatic or at least at the time I sure felt that way. But when I saw my folks in real pain that is all it took. I was there with them and for them. No hesitation. It felt like the right thing to do. Not the easiest thing but the right thing.

On the positive side, we got through that rough time with Dad. I later got married and had kids of my own. My mom became the world's best grandma to them, loved them to pieces and made SAH with them even more fun for me. My life has been very blessed.

Do the right thing, Op, no matter what others may or may not do. You know your limits, you know what you can do and what you can't do - you do not have to do it all. Just do what you can. Hang in there and I am really sorry about your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point, I think asking a neighbor and pay a small fee is the best bet. Your mom would know the person and it would be more feasible than any alternative.

Regarding your wife, you said your family has not extended even a finger during some really difficult times, so I understand her anger. Personally, I'd ask your dad to come down hard on your sister. She's really acting disgracefully.

agree with asking a neighbor to help out (paid of course) is the most realistic solution at this point.
+100 on the bolded

[Anonymous]

Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That makes me really sad that your kids would spend an hour or two more in daycare daily just because they won't figure out a better solution for YOUR mom. Your kids and your wife are getting the short straw here.

Yup. F no. Your kids come before your mom in this situation. Are you kidding me? Your sister's kids never did daycare because of your mom, and now your kids are going to go into daycare so your wife (who never received any help) can take care of your mom? You have to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Dad can't even afford to hire help for mom and can't afford to cut down his hours at age 63. There's not going to be any inheritance, they'll most likely be spending money to wrap up that estate someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

That is a little harsh. It should not be an either or situation. There might have to be some compromises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That makes me really sad that your kids would spend an hour or two more in daycare daily just because they won't figure out a better solution for YOUR mom. Your kids and your wife are getting the short straw here.

Yup. F no. Your kids come before your mom in this situation. Are you kidding me? Your sister's kids never did daycare because of your mom, and now your kids are going to go into daycare so your wife (who never received any help) can take care of your mom? You have to be a troll.

Yup, this. Your kids come first, OP. I'm glad your wife has put her foot down. It sounds like you're used to bending for your sister and parents and putting your immediate family second at their expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

That is a little harsh. It should not be an either or situation. There might have to be some compromises.

Agreed, a little harsh. I wouldn't cut off my sister but I would tell her she needs to step up. It sounds like OP is comfortable harassing his wife about this but when his sister says no, he's all "Welp, ok"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Haven't read sny comments but just had to reply. I feel for your wife, although I also understand your own feelings about needing to take care of your mother no matter what. Your sister is wrong. I personally have low tolerance for such unfairness in family relationships. Your sister owes to your mother big time. Totally get how your wife is feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your sister asking her husband to help or is your wife the only IL who's expected to pitch in?

Good one.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is being completely reasonable. And realize if you check on your parents daily and it increases her workload with the kids, that is her supporting your family by supporting you and you need to thank her for that continually and realize her effort.

Your sister needs to help more. I would suggest trying to find a local person who can check on your mom. Don’t try a band aid approach, this will get worse before it gets better. I’m sorry. I have been there. This is hard on everyone. Do what you can to support, but not at the cost of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.