Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

I suppose I am cynical but I assume my spouse is capable of cheating on me. Perhaps its a defense mechanism, or its just the realization that over half of marriages are affected by infidelity so why would I be the exception? Anyone else similarly jaded?

Yes. But it doesn’t stop the shock or pain when it does happen.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Unpopular take, but I think most people secretly know (or are purposefully blind).

Not true in my case, but I was not looking for proof of it, either. Never looked at cell phone or credit card statements. It wasn't that I was "purposefully blind" - I just didn't think I had reason to check for signs of affair. In finding out about the affair, I found signs of past cheating, too.

NP. Also not true in my case. Knew many of his friends and professional colleagues, all of whom told me independently what a great guy he was. I also never looked at mobile phone, credit card, etc. Why would I be with a person I didn't think I could trust. I would rather be single than have to review the credit card statements for proof of cheating every month.

I accidentally stumbled on hard proof of cheating, and once I started sleuthing, I found out tons. Nonetheless, he still lied extensively in couples and individual therapy, putting out an elaborate and believable cover story. It took me several months of watching, keylogging, looking at bills, etc. to blow up his cover story.

I never in a million years would have imagined what I found out. Those friends who I told were also shocked he was the kind of guy that would do that.

I had a similar experience. It's very unsettling, to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who cheated on his wife. I got away with it but eventually confessed. My wife was devastated. The deed was bad. Seeing the pain I caused to the one person who completely trusted me was almost too much to bear. The good news is that we worked through it and are still married. It can be done but not without a pain and forgiveness. If the cheater is not remorseful, that is a big red flag.

Your a bigger jerk for confessing and putting your poor wife through turmoil just to cleanse your own guilt.

Yes, I have thought about that. My wife said she wanted to know but I’m not sure. I did it because I got saved and became a Christian and thought it was the right thing to do. It helped me become a much better person and the husband she actually deserved, but she paid a price that she should not have ever had to pay. I hope God gives me enough time to prove to her the pain was worth it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?

I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.

Oh no! Your poor son.

That is pretty fun about SNL Pat though- thanks for the laugh. I could use one now.

That is funny! Goes to show that people "affair down" in terms of looks.

If that was true people's 2nd and 3rd spouses would be uglier and older than the first. In most cases that is not what happens...at all.

Actually the affair partners in all cases I’ve seen have been less attractive.

+1. And 2nd and 3rd spouses are not always affair partners, of course.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t get to decide who you tell. Don’t protect him. Affairs die in sunlight -tell yourself support network, tell his family and TELL HIS AP’S HUSBAND!! It’s not about punishing the AP, it’s about letting the husband know the truth of his marriage. Don’t you wish someone had told you?

[Anonymous]

Talk about blindsided...i discovered my DH was sucking d*ck.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Go to survivinginfidelety.com you will get lots of good support there.

Thanks

Chumplady.com is better

That website is a joke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?

I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.

A relative did this, even the family of his AF thought she was a lesbian, vary masculine and never in all her life involvement with a man, his wife never had any concerns. They were also co-workers.

This is all so hard on kids...

It was for about 9 month then my kids realized that other people’s actions don’t control your happiness.

I’m the pregnant lady.

This is true for my kids also... but also their lives hardly changed. No new house, no new schools, etc.

Those were their 2 biggest concerns moving houses and chanhing schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?

I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.

Oh no! Your poor son.

That is pretty fun about SNL Pat though- thanks for the laugh. I could use one now.

That is funny! Goes to show that people "affair down" in terms of looks.

If that was true people's 2nd and 3rd spouses would be uglier and older than the first. In most cases that is not what happens...at all.

Not really.

People that date and marry are very different than people that have affairs with married people.

Good looking, intelligent and self confident people don’t settle for crumbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk about blindsided...i discovered my DH was sucking d*ck.

Damn.

[Anonymous]

To the woman that found out Friday... read this

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and he’s very freaked out about my family or his finding out. Like seriously wtf?

3 f@cking years of deception and lies and putting in a charming act for everyone...and my dad was dying.

Tell everyone and the AP’s spouse. His actions have consequences, no rug sweeping.

[Anonymous]

It leaves you feeling shattered. I left. It was chaotic, beyond stressful, huge financial concerns, mental health and self confidence took a beating. With in a year I was kind of okay. By year 2 I was thriving.

7 years later and my daughter and I are still thriving. I never said one negative word about her father in ear shot of her and threatened my family never to say a word against him either. Don't get me wrong. I detested him and what he did, but I felt protecting her meant protecting him.

Did a custody exchange yesterday and my husband cut my exhusbands hair in the yard while we waited for our daughter to finish getting ready to go. Pre-covid we have all got together at my ex-inlaws place for a meal while doing a pick up of my daughter. You can get through the pain you are feeling now and heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about blindsided...i discovered my DH was sucking d*ck.

Damn.

That's textbook blindsided. Ouch. Made me think twice about the gender of the person ---ing DH of woman in labor while in hospital parking lot . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and he’s very freaked out about my family or his finding out. Like seriously wtf?

3 f@cking years of deception and lies and putting in a charming act for everyone...and my dad was dying.

Tell everyone and the AP’s spouse. His actions have consequences, no rug sweeping.

+1. It's very important that you tell the truth to everyone about what is going on, for your own health. You can do so in a matter of fact way, so you don't seem like a crazy person. "Yes, Bob and I are getting a divorce because I found out he was cheating with X for Y amount of time. Obviously, one can't have any kind of healthy marriage with that kind of dishonesty, so we've decided to split up." Then give just the facts that are necessary to know -- which adults will live where, where the kids will live, if there is a custody schedule, how the perpetrator spouse will or will not continue participating in carpool, whatever events or responsibilities are relevant to people who need to know.

For his family, you are entitled to tell the truth and set whatever boundaries you like. I wish I had done this at the very beginning. We all (kids and me) would have been better off if I had said, "I just want to let you know about some major family changes that are happening. Larlo has been cheating repeatedly on me with women from work, hookers, etc. Obviously, we will be splitting up. Larlo has agreed that the kids will live with me and he will visit every X,Y and Z days. We will also be splitting Xmas and Thanksgiving. The kids have enjoyed being a part of Larlo's extended family, and I know that they look forward to continuing to see cousins, uncles and grandpas when they have scheduled time with their dad."

Answer questions as appropriate.... No, I'm not mistaken about this; I have hard proof. No I don't want to discuss any of the details. No, there is no chance of reconciling. Yes, we've been to therapy but it is not possible to save the marriage, and I think the best way forward is to continue to be co-parents in the way that we have agreed. Thank you for your support, I appreciate it. or I'm sorry you disagree with my choices, but this is what I have decided is best for my health and the health of our children.