Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. Very very helpful for this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you

She should get a divorce. Why would a woman stay married to a husband whom she resets? Find the door and leave the asshole.

Anonymous wrote:
BECAUSE PEOPLE SHOULDN'T DIVORCE OVER JUST RESENTMENT. IF WE DIVORCE OVER EVERY LITTLE THING THE DIVORCE RATE WOULD BE 100%.

2. she's tired

She needs to learn to prioritize (stop doing so much tiring stuff) and/or outsource and/or ask for help. It does not take much to conserve 20 minutes of energy twice per week to prevent divorce.
WHY DOES *SHE* NEED* TO PRIORITIZE, OUTSOURCE, *ASK* FOR HELP. DOES HE NOT LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE, EAT FOOD, GENERATE DIRTY LAUNDRY AND DISHES? IS SHE YOUR MOMMY?

Anonymous wrote:3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)

Maybe. But then she would say so, and the guys on this thread would not be here wondering, they would all be at the gym.
SOME MEN HAVE FRAGILE Y SYNDROME AND GET UPSET IF YOU TELL THEM THEY GAINED WAY TOO MUCH WEIGHT, DRESS BETTER, HAVE BETTER GROOMING HABITS. THEY WILL ACCUSE YOU OF TRYING TO CHANGE THEM.

Anonymous wrote:4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

It is difficult to imagine just how incredibly handicapped a woman would need to be (24x7 life support) such that all forms of sex are impossible. Is this a realistic scenario worthy of mainstream discussion?

Anonymous wrote:
YOU ARE AN IDIOT AND NEED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WOMEN'S BODIES AND THE HORMONAL EFFECT ON THE LIBIDO. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX AS A CHORE.

These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.

Why would a woman marry a man who is selfishly bad in bed? This makes no sense. Again, she would be telling him what he's doing wrong, and he would surely do those things (because... sex).

Anonymous wrote:2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Um, sure. But this sounds just like "she resents you" up above, and we know she would immediately divorce an asshole like that.

? WTF.. IF SOMEONE CONSTANTLY CRITICIZES ANOTHER, DO YOU THINK THAT PERSON WILL FEEL CONFIDENT AND SEXY ABOUT THEMSELVES?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Agreed. My husband is fine in bed.It isn't him, it's me. Coming up on menopause. Bored with him after 20 years of marriage. We drifted apart in part because our marriage was very child focused, and then because we had some trauma and resentment. End result for me is that sex with DH just isn't appealing, even if he CAN make me cum. Really sex is not all about cumming. It's the journey, and I'm not interested in that journey with him.

Exactly... resentment is a sex killer, and for most women, the libido starts in the brain. But that does not mean that every woman who resents her husband for something wants a divorce. It is situational, and sometimes the resentment isn't enough to warrant a divorce, but it doesn't mean that they want to hop into bed with him for the moment, either. Just because she is angry with you for a time doesn't mean you have the right to go have an affair. No person in a marriage should be afraid to be angry with their spouse for fear that spouse will cheat on you. That's absurd, and all that tells me is that the cheating spouse is selfish, and the marriage is all about him him him.

And to a PP, both men and women stay in sexless/loveless marriages for various reasons, one of which is children. That is why once the kids go off to college, you see divorce rates go up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

Men don’t suddenly get bad in bed. It was there all along but you just wanted a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads always go nowhere and everyone gets mad because there is no universal answer to this.

Some men suck in bed.

Some women use sex to control their spouses.

Some men are terrible partners.

Some women are terrible partners.

I think that generally if two people love each other romantically than they find their way through/around these problems. I had awful pregnancies and libido went way down but I pushed through and made sure we never went TOTALLY sexless and afterwards was always enthusiastic. My husband made it a point to be an active and loving and helpful partner who put effort into taking chores off my plate and making me feel attractive.

There is so much going on there. Both people pushing through things they don't want to do, both people working on making it exciting and new, both people prioritizing it, both people prioritizing their spouse's happiness OUTSIDE of the sex as well. If any one of those pieces falls down, things can start to deteriorate. So its never the same thing, its always a combination of things.

If I had to say what the most important ingredient it is, it is both spouses caring and actively working to improve the other spouse's life. And this only works if BOTH spouses are doing it. If one drops the ball its resentment city. But when we care about the things that aren't sex that each other are going through, than both of us feel loved and respected and that makes us want to have sex. Whenever sex starts to go sideways, its about something else. The something else changes, but its never really the sex itself, for me at least, I know for other couples that is the important variable.

Man here and a pp and I agree with this. From the multiple conversations I have had with my wife, her libido for me at least died due to some combination of resentment over a bunch of small things (some of which she knows aren't logical), her feeling not so great about her body, having zero innate desire (and finding none from being a SAHM) and other small things that add up. Of course it not universal but in general men (like me) can have all of the above and still want to have sex where women (like wife) have to have things on order to want to have sex (yes I know there are some women with huge libidos, I didn't marry one come to find out).

Thing is, over the years, the mountains I need to move to get her in the right space to be willing to have sex seem less and less worth it, especially once you come to accept that even then at best she is willing to have sex but not want it. So I have stopped trying, we don't have sex and when I ask her if she misses it or wants to go to counselling over it, she is honest and says its only for me, she doesn't miss sex.

I don't believe we will make it long term, but it works for now while kids are in the house. Seeing us act friendly when no sex is around gives me confidence we can amicably divorce and be great co-parents when the time is right us to split

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads always go nowhere and everyone gets mad because there is no universal answer to this.

Some men suck in bed.

Some women use sex to control their spouses.

Some men are terrible partners.

Some women are terrible partners.

I think that generally if two people love each other romantically than they find their way through/around these problems. I had awful pregnancies and libido went way down but I pushed through and made sure we never went TOTALLY sexless and afterwards was always enthusiastic. My husband made it a point to be an active and loving and helpful partner who put effort into taking chores off my plate and making me feel attractive.

There is so much going on there. Both people pushing through things they don't want to do, both people working on making it exciting and new, both people prioritizing it, both people prioritizing their spouse's happiness OUTSIDE of the sex as well. If any one of those pieces falls down, things can start to deteriorate. So its never the same thing, its always a combination of things.

If I had to say what the most important ingredient it is, it is both spouses caring and actively working to improve the other spouse's life. And this only works if BOTH spouses are doing it. If one drops the ball its resentment city. But when we care about the things that aren't sex that each other are going through, than both of us feel loved and respected and that makes us want to have sex. Whenever sex starts to go sideways, its about something else. The something else changes, but its never really the sex itself, for me at least, I know for other couples that is the important variable.

Man here and a pp and I agree with this. From the multiple conversations I have had with my wife, her libido for me at least died due to some combination of resentment over a bunch of small things (some of which she knows aren't logical), her feeling not so great about her body, having zero innate desire (and finding none from being a SAHM) and other small things that add up. Of course it not universal but in general men (like me) can have all of the above and still want to have sex where women (like wife) have to have things on order to want to have sex (yes I know there are some women with huge libidos, I didn't marry one come to find out).

Thing is, over the years, the mountains I need to move to get her in the right space to be willing to have sex seem less and less worth it, especially once you come to accept that even then at best she is willing to have sex but not want it. So I have stopped trying, we don't have sex and when I ask her if she misses it or wants to go to counselling over it, she is honest and says its only for me, she doesn't miss sex.

I don't believe we will make it long term, but it works for now while kids are in the house. Seeing us act friendly when no sex is around gives me confidence we can amicably divorce and be great co-parents when the time is right us to split

I could have written this as I think I am in the exact same situation. So what do you do then to meet your needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads always go nowhere and everyone gets mad because there is no universal answer to this.

Some men suck in bed.

Some women use sex to control their spouses.

Some men are terrible partners.

Some women are terrible partners.

I think that generally if two people love each other romantically than they find their way through/around these problems. I had awful pregnancies and libido went way down but I pushed through and made sure we never went TOTALLY sexless and afterwards was always enthusiastic. My husband made it a point to be an active and loving and helpful partner who put effort into taking chores off my plate and making me feel attractive.

There is so much going on there. Both people pushing through things they don't want to do, both people working on making it exciting and new, both people prioritizing it, both people prioritizing their spouse's happiness OUTSIDE of the sex as well. If any one of those pieces falls down, things can start to deteriorate. So its never the same thing, its always a combination of things.

If I had to say what the most important ingredient it is, it is both spouses caring and actively working to improve the other spouse's life. And this only works if BOTH spouses are doing it. If one drops the ball its resentment city. But when we care about the things that aren't sex that each other are going through, than both of us feel loved and respected and that makes us want to have sex. Whenever sex starts to go sideways, its about something else. The something else changes, but its never really the sex itself, for me at least, I know for other couples that is the important variable.

Man here and a pp and I agree with this. From the multiple conversations I have had with my wife, her libido for me at least died due to some combination of resentment over a bunch of small things (some of which she knows aren't logical), her feeling not so great about her body, having zero innate desire (and finding none from being a SAHM) and other small things that add up. Of course it not universal but in general men (like me) can have all of the above and still want to have sex where women (like wife) have to have things on order to want to have sex (yes I know there are some women with huge libidos, I didn't marry one come to find out).

Thing is, over the years, the mountains I need to move to get her in the right space to be willing to have sex seem less and less worth it, especially once you come to accept that even then at best she is willing to have sex but not want it. So I have stopped trying, we don't have sex and when I ask her if she misses it or wants to go to counselling over it, she is honest and says its only for me, she doesn't miss sex.

I don't believe we will make it long term, but it works for now while kids are in the house. Seeing us act friendly when no sex is around gives me confidence we can amicably divorce and be great co-parents when the time is right us to split

I could have written this as I think I am in the exact same situation. So what do you do then to meet your needs?

NP - after years of trying I just gave up and waited to become an empty nester. The final straw was when our youngest was going off to college I suggested to my wife that after we drop her off we take a couple of days to enjoy being empty nesters. She said no because she was too busy doing what I don’t know and said I should drive her by myself. That was pretty much it so when I got back from the trip I immediately found an apartment and within a few days I moved out. I didn’t rush to “meet my needs” but when I decided to start dating it was very nice to meet women my age who still enjoyed sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

Men don’t suddenly get bad in bed. It was there all along but you just wanted a husband.

Or sex wasn't the #1 important thing on the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

Maybe but why would a woman ever marry this kind of man? How does it get past the 4th date?

Why are all the sexless wives ignoring this question? If women are going to claim their husbands are bad in bed, then why did you marry them??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

Men don’t suddenly get bad in bed. It was there all along but you just wanted a husband.

Or sex wasn't the #1 important thing on the list.

So how did you power through while dating and why not do it now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

Men don’t suddenly get bad in bed. It was there all along but you just wanted a husband.

Or sex wasn't the #1 important thing on the list.

So how did you power through while dating and why not do it now?

Not PP and not in a sexless marriage but this is an incredibly dumb question. When you're dating things are new and exciting and you're willing to overlook things that aren't perfect. You're not really powering through so much as doing something you're excited about but that isn't quite as good as you thought it would be. Like eating a piece of chocolate cake that looks GREAT but tastes meh. But hey, its chocolate cake! Even meh chocolate cake is still chocolate cake! But when you've been together 15 years and been overlooking that annoying thing for 15 years AND you're generally annoyed at them for 10 other things, then you don't want it anymore. You don't want the 150th meh piece of chocolate cake. And you know what, a mediocre creme brulee would probably taste AMAZING right now because you're so freaking sick of chocolate cake.

In the beginning no one is faking or powering through, there just isn't ages of baggage and resentment and boredom piled up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads always go nowhere and everyone gets mad because there is no universal answer to this.

Some men suck in bed.

Some women use sex to control their spouses.

Some men are terrible partners.

Some women are terrible partners.

I think that generally if two people love each other romantically than they find their way through/around these problems. I had awful pregnancies and libido went way down but I pushed through and made sure we never went TOTALLY sexless and afterwards was always enthusiastic. My husband made it a point to be an active and loving and helpful partner who put effort into taking chores off my plate and making me feel attractive.

There is so much going on there. Both people pushing through things they don't want to do, both people working on making it exciting and new, both people prioritizing it, both people prioritizing their spouse's happiness OUTSIDE of the sex as well. If any one of those pieces falls down, things can start to deteriorate. So its never the same thing, its always a combination of things.

If I had to say what the most important ingredient it is, it is both spouses caring and actively working to improve the other spouse's life. And this only works if BOTH spouses are doing it. If one drops the ball its resentment city. But when we care about the things that aren't sex that each other are going through, than both of us feel loved and respected and that makes us want to have sex. Whenever sex starts to go sideways, its about something else. The something else changes, but its never really the sex itself, for me at least, I know for other couples that is the important variable.

Man here and a pp and I agree with this. From the multiple conversations I have had with my wife, her libido for me at least died due to some combination of resentment over a bunch of small things (some of which she knows aren't logical), her feeling not so great about her body, having zero innate desire (and finding none from being a SAHM) and other small things that add up. Of course it not universal but in general men (like me) can have all of the above and still want to have sex where women (like wife) have to have things on order to want to have sex (yes I know there are some women with huge libidos, I didn't marry one come to find out).

Thing is, over the years, the mountains I need to move to get her in the right space to be willing to have sex seem less and less worth it, especially once you come to accept that even then at best she is willing to have sex but not want it. So I have stopped trying, we don't have sex and when I ask her if she misses it or wants to go to counselling over it, she is honest and says its only for me, she doesn't miss sex.

I don't believe we will make it long term, but it works for now while kids are in the house. Seeing us act friendly when no sex is around gives me confidence we can amicably divorce and be great co-parents when the time is right us to split

This seems like it's about more than sex.

If it was really about sex, then why didn't you just apologize for the things she was resentful over, make them right, and tell her what you like about her body? Who cares if it's logical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

Men don’t suddenly get bad in bed. It was there all along but you just wanted a husband.

Or sex wasn't the #1 important thing on the list.

So how did you power through while dating and why not do it now?

NP here. Because when we were dating, I thought he would naturally learn more about my body, and it would get better. There is a curve over the first couple of years where the sex gets better and better. I had never been married before. I didn't know it was a bell shaped curve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here invading this group. My husband is always very sweet to me and never criticizes or belittles me. That makes me want to be very sweet and nice to him and sex is part of that. And when we have sex he almost always asks what I’d enjoy because it’s not always the same and I do my best to make him happy.

Another women here. Agree with this. My entire life I used to lose interest in sex within 2-3 months of a relationship. I thought it was biological. Turns out I just picked jerks, and once I found one who treated me well, I found that I wanted sex more and more over time, not less.

So if a woman doesn’t want sex, it’s because her husband is a jerk. I get that, makes perfect sense: nobody wants sex with a jerk!

But wait: if he really is this total jerk, he would know (because she would say so) in fact she would quickly divorce him! Because who stays married to a jerk? So this “no sex with a jerk” theory cannot apply to this thread, because these guys aren’t divorced, and their wives aren’t calling them jerks, therefore they can’t be jerks.

Try again please?

*shrug* A lot of people won't get divorced for various reasons- kids, finances, societal pressure. I mean, you can apply your same logic and say "no man would stay married to a woman who won't have sex with him! Who stays married to that? So your "wife won't have sex with me" doesn't apply this thread, therefore all the men here are actually getting laid!"

If you want to keep telling yourself it's not your fault your wife won't sleep with you, go ahead. Doesn't affect my life at all, and I'm happily getting laid several times a week.

You are saying that a sexless wife (secretly) WANTS to divorce her jerk husband except ... he’s a provider, and her divorced-over-35-mom-with-joint-custody life would be too hard. She wants to continue getting her benefits of marriage while providing him no ... benefits. Is this your message?

Also: you are calling these wives liars. Because a husband who isn’t getting sex due to being a jerk.... surely must KNOW he is a jerk! Unless his wife is being dishonest. Is that it? The men really ARE jerks but the wives are LYING about it? Because a jerk is more likely to stop being a jerk if his wife keeps this a secret?

The men are being honest. Their sexless wives KNOW their husband is unhappy about not getting laid. The men aren’t pretending to be happy about no sex while (manipulatively) thinking that keeping this secret will result in... sex.

And your counter argument (who stays married to a wife who won’t have sex) fails because sex can be had elsewhere, whereas a jerk husband will just keep on being a big old jerk.

Try again please?

I don't know what to tell you, man. Every woman I know- myself included- who lost interest in sex did so because their husband wasn't a good partner.

You can keep telling yourself whatever you want about how it's all your wife's fault that she won't sleep with you. It probably won't help you get laid. From the way you word your posts, you sound bitter and sarcastic, so I'm not surprised she isn't interested.

Happy to provide you with some resources if you're interested in improving your marriage.

So you immediately left your husband, because who stays with a bad partner? And well before you leaving, he was clear about being a jerk, yet he wanted to remain a jerk?

Your guidance seems to be: she loses interest mean romantic relationship is over. If a husband want to stay together as platonic room mates, open the marriage. Otherwise divorce. Do NOT keep doing chores expecting sex (ever). Thank you for confirming the well know solution to a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Agreed. My husband is fine in bed.It isn't him, it's me. Coming up on menopause. Bored with him after 20 years of marriage. We drifted apart in part because our marriage was very child focused, and then because we had some trauma and resentment. End result for me is that sex with DH just isn't appealing, even if he CAN make me cum. Really sex is not all about cumming. It's the journey, and I'm not interested in that journey with him.

Exactly... resentment is a sex killer, and for most women, the libido starts in the brain. But that does not mean that every woman who resents her husband for something wants a divorce. It is situational, and sometimes the resentment isn't enough to warrant a divorce, but it doesn't mean that they want to hop into bed with him for the moment, either. Just because she is angry with you for a time doesn't mean you have the right to go have an affair. No person in a marriage should be afraid to be angry with their spouse for fear that spouse will cheat on you. That's absurd, and all that tells me is that the cheating spouse is selfish, and the marriage is all about him him him.

And to a PP, both men and women stay in sexless/loveless marriages for various reasons, one of which is children. That is why once the kids go off to college, you see divorce rates go up.

So a woman can resent her jerkface husband JUST ENOUGH to not want sex with him, but NOT enough to divorce him. She wants the benefits of marriage without providing any .... benefits to him. Got it.

Here we have ANOTHER confirmation of the man's fix to a sexless marriage: declare it open.