Reply to Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]These threads always go nowhere and everyone gets mad because there is no universal answer to this.

Some men suck in bed.

Some women use sex to control their spouses.

Some men are terrible partners.

Some women are terrible partners.

I think that generally if two people love each other romantically than they find their way through/around these problems. I had awful pregnancies and libido went way down but I pushed through and made sure we never went TOTALLY sexless and afterwards was always enthusiastic. My husband made it a point to be an active and loving and helpful partner who put effort into taking chores off my plate and making me feel attractive.

There is so much going on there. Both people pushing through things they don't want to do, both people working on making it exciting and new, both people prioritizing it, both people prioritizing their spouse's happiness OUTSIDE of the sex as well. If any one of those pieces falls down, things can start to deteriorate. So its never the same thing, its always a combination of things.

If I had to say what the most important ingredient it is, it is both spouses caring and actively working to improve the other spouse's life. And this only works if BOTH spouses are doing it. If one drops the ball its resentment city. But when we care about the things that aren't sex that each other are going through, than both of us feel loved and respected and that makes us want to have sex. Whenever sex starts to go sideways, its about something else. The something else changes, but its never really the sex itself, for me at least, I know for other couples that is the important variable.[/quote]

Man here and a pp and I agree with this.  From the multiple conversations I have had with my wife, her libido for me at least died due to some combination of resentment over a bunch of small things (some of which she knows aren't logical), her feeling not so great about her body, having zero innate desire (and finding none from being a SAHM) and other small things that add up.  Of course it not universal but in general men (like me) can have all of the above and still want to have sex where women (like wife) have to have things on order to want to have sex (yes I know there are some women with huge libidos, I didn't marry one come to find out).

Thing is, over the years, the mountains I need to move to get her in the right space to be willing to have sex seem less and less worth it, especially once you come to accept that even then at best she is willing to have sex but not want it.  So I have stopped trying, we don't have sex and when I ask her if she misses it or wants to go to counselling over it, she is honest and says its only for me, she doesn't miss sex.

I don't believe we will make it long term, but it works for now while kids are in the house.  Seeing us act friendly when no sex is around gives me confidence we can amicably divorce and be great co-parents when the time is right us to split[/quote]

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