The realization that I’ve missed out by working my kids entire lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, there's a reason I gave up my career to stay home and DH is on a daddy track to work remotely.

The kids are sponges that repeat everything, absorb everything. We want them learning from us, not someone else.

I feel bad for your kids, being raised and isolated by narcissists. Do you plan to homeschool? Because if not, they’re going to be spending most of their waking hours with other people once they’re 5.

Kids are at school about six and a half hours each weekday. How is that most of their waking hours?

It's more like 8 hours where I live with the bus ride (and the SAHMs in my neighborhood all have kids that take the bus) for elementary school. School day is long. Even if you pick them up and drop off in your own car, it's still 7 without you. So it actually ends up being the majority of their waking hours.

plus more the hours of school are their prime functioning hours. Sure you get an hour at home in the morning but they're usually waking up and the entire family is doing tasks (so it's not exactly time for deep conversations or learning) and then after school they're at activities/sports/socializing with friends followed by homework. or when they're younger they're pretty tired/checked out many days after school.

Yep, definitely true. Especially when they're in K, which is full-day here. By Thursday/Friday a lot of kids are just wiped when they're done with school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an infant, and I’m definitely pretty glad to be able to delay putting her in daycare (so much so I feel a little guilty about being happy in the midst of this chaos). But I’m sure it will get harder when I do eventually have to go back to work, even if my boss is sympathetic and lets me do odd hours/part time. I think also infants are probably easier than toddlers/elementary schoolers though. All of you managing your bigger/older families through this are awesome, just saying!

Infants are a lot easier to WFH with. Once they start moving and walking, it's a gamechanger.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually realizing how much I would suck at being a SAHM. Part of me has always wondered if I was making a mistake by choosing to work (we could have made things work on my husband's salary and he would have been on board - in fact he suggested it a few times). I love these kids and would lay down my life and die for them, but I am not good at entertaining a preschooler and a toddler allllllllll day every day. The boredom and monotony of their daily routine is killing me. I miss going to work! Lunch! Adult conversation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually realizing how much I would suck at being a SAHM. Part of me has always wondered if I was making a mistake by choosing to work (we could have made things work on my husband's salary and he would have been on board - in fact he suggested it a few times). I love these kids and would lay down my life and die for them, but I am not good at entertaining a preschooler and a toddler allllllllll day every day. The boredom and monotony of their daily routine is killing me. I miss going to work! Lunch! Adult conversation!

Well to be fair it’s a lot more fun when you can get together with friends for coffee and play dates, go to the zoo and museums, do classes, hang out at the playground, go for walks and stop for a treat. This is...different!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually realizing how much I would suck at being a SAHM. Part of me has always wondered if I was making a mistake by choosing to work (we could have made things work on my husband's salary and he would have been on board - in fact he suggested it a few times). I love these kids and would lay down my life and die for them, but I am not good at entertaining a preschooler and a toddler allllllllll day every day. The boredom and monotony of their daily routine is killing me. I miss going to work! Lunch! Adult conversation!

You’re right, it is not as fun to be a stay at home parent. The idea of being able to get out of the house and live my before baby life again for eight or so hours certainly entered into my decision of whether or not to work out of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually realizing how much I would suck at being a SAHM. Part of me has always wondered if I was making a mistake by choosing to work (we could have made things work on my husband's salary and he would have been on board - in fact he suggested it a few times). I love these kids and would lay down my life and die for them, but I am not good at entertaining a preschooler and a toddler allllllllll day every day. The boredom and monotony of their daily routine is killing me. I miss going to work! Lunch! Adult conversation!

Well to be fair it’s a lot more fun when you can get together with friends for coffee and play dates, go to the zoo and museums, do classes, hang out at the playground, go for walks and stop for a treat. This is...different!

True. I'm basically limited to the house and the yard... and FaceTime with friends. My 3 year old is used to being in preschool and misses his friends. FaceTime is not doing the job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually realizing how much I would suck at being a SAHM. Part of me has always wondered if I was making a mistake by choosing to work (we could have made things work on my husband's salary and he would have been on board - in fact he suggested it a few times). I love these kids and would lay down my life and die for them, but I am not good at entertaining a preschooler and a toddler allllllllll day every day. The boredom and monotony of their daily routine is killing me. I miss going to work! Lunch! Adult conversation!

Well to be fair it’s a lot more fun when you can get together with friends for coffee and play dates, go to the zoo and museums, do classes, hang out at the playground, go for walks and stop for a treat. This is...different!

This is very true. My pre quarantine SAHM life was very engaging and social because I had an active friend network of other SAHMs, which makes all the difference. The being said it definitely isn’t something every mom is cut out for. My own mother told me often she needed a job, didn’t want to stay home with me and my sibling, and that is totally understandable too. Feminism is all about choice and doing what’s best for both the family and a woman’s sanity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually realizing how much I would suck at being a SAHM. Part of me has always wondered if I was making a mistake by choosing to work (we could have made things work on my husband's salary and he would have been on board - in fact he suggested it a few times). I love these kids and would lay down my life and die for them, but I am not good at entertaining a preschooler and a toddler allllllllll day every day. The boredom and monotony of their daily routine is killing me. I miss going to work! Lunch! Adult conversation!

Well to be fair it’s a lot more fun when you can get together with friends for coffee and play dates, go to the zoo and museums, do classes, hang out at the playground, go for walks and stop for a treat. This is...different!

True. I'm basically limited to the house and the yard... and FaceTime with friends. My 3 year old is used to being in preschool and misses his friends. FaceTime is not doing the job!

Exactly. nobody thinks it a "better scenario" for kids to be home with a mom alllll dayyyy longggg every day.

Kids need to get out, have interactions with others, go to school, be in sports, do arts, etc

The idea that being home with kids is healthy... not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I’m spending less time with my kids now.

We would normally be out and about doing things together.

Sitting around the house is not more bonding than what I did before with them.

If you didn’t work... you realize you would be home alone because they are at school.

Your post sounds very illogical and unrealistic.

Opposite for us. Both parents here working FT at home. I thought we would be at each other's throats by now, but the kids have been really great so far. We have been laughing a lot at meal times, and just generally spending a lot of time together as opposed to schlepping the kids around from one activity to another on the weekend. Today, we started preparing our garden for spring planting.

OP - it's great that you are connecting with your kids. It's always great if you have that choice and chance to quit for a year or so to spend some time with the kids. I did it for a year or so.

IMO, this crisis has brought my family closer.

That is sad that your were not close to your family before.

My family was close before and they are close now. Sounds like classic over scheduling, FOMO.

While my kids do lots of activities, seems like you took it to an unhealthy level.

Obviously it is healthier to socialize, exercise and be in school... but your family is unhealthy doing those things. Wow!

Who can't prep a garden and play a sport. Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I’m spending less time with my kids now.

We would normally be out and about doing things together.

Sitting around the house is not more bonding than what I did before with them.

If you didn’t work... you realize you would be home alone because they are at school.

Your post sounds very illogical and unrealistic.

Opposite for us. Both parents here working FT at home. I thought we would be at each other's throats by now, but the kids have been really great so far. We have been laughing a lot at meal times, and just generally spending a lot of time together as opposed to schlepping the kids around from one activity to another on the weekend. Today, we started preparing our garden for spring planting.

OP - it's great that you are connecting with your kids. It's always great if you have that choice and chance to quit for a year or so to spend some time with the kids. I did it for a year or so.

IMO, this crisis has brought my family closer.

That is sad that your were not close to your family before.

My family was close before and they are close now. Sounds like classic over scheduling, FOMO.

While my kids do lots of activities, seems like you took it to an unhealthy level.

Obviously it is healthier to socialize, exercise and be in school... but your family is unhealthy doing those things. Wow!

Who can't prep a garden and play a sport. Weird.

Kids being in activities is not overscheduled. Mine are in several activities (every day, some days 2) and we still have plenty of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children really do benefit from having a full time parent. There's no way around that.

Your blanket statement is not true. I guess you can keep saying it if it makes you feel better about your choice, but then that says something about how you feel about your choice, doesn't it?

I'm not the PP here but you are right, it's not always true. What is true is that children benefit from having a full time parent who wants to be a full time parent. If their parents don't want to then the kid is better off spending the majority of their day with someone who actually wants to be with them, assuming the daycare provider does it for that reason and not just to make a difficult buck.

Actually, I think kids benefit from being around many different people who all teach them different things. Your post is disgusting, by the way. Parents who work still "actually want to be with" their kids. Seriously, you're an asshole.

Some parents don't enjoy being parents. My mom was clearly one of them. Thank goodness she worked. I don't think I would have survived my childhood with her home. I SAH and love it. I can see the benefits for my children given their needs. To each their own, but not everyone enjoys being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, there's a reason I gave up my career to stay home and DH is on a daddy track to work remotely.

The kids are sponges that repeat everything, absorb everything. We want them learning from us, not someone else.

I feel bad for your kids, being raised and isolated by narcissists. Do you plan to homeschool? Because if not, they’re going to be spending most of their waking hours with other people once they’re 5.

All of us are homeschooling right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children really do benefit from having a full time parent. There's no way around that.

Your blanket statement is not true. I guess you can keep saying it if it makes you feel better about your choice, but then that says something about how you feel about your choice, doesn't it?

I'm not the PP here but you are right, it's not always true. What is true is that children benefit from having a full time parent who wants to be a full time parent. If their parents don't want to then the kid is better off spending the majority of their day with someone who actually wants to be with them, assuming the daycare provider does it for that reason and not just to make a difficult buck.

Actually, I think kids benefit from being around many different people who all teach them different things. Your post is disgusting, by the way. Parents who work still "actually want to be with" their kids. Seriously, you're an asshole.

Some parents don't enjoy being parents. My mom was clearly one of them. Thank goodness she worked. I don't think I would have survived my childhood with her home. I SAH and love it. I can see the benefits for my children given their needs. To each their own, but not everyone enjoys being a parent.

Lol! I am a WOHM and enjoy being a parent. But I also enjoy the intellectual stimulation that comes from my profession. The fact that I work also means that DD gets to spend a lot more time than she otherwise would have with DH, grandparents, and her nanny. We all have different strengths in childcare (e.g., her nanny is great at pretend play and art, DH is great with building things, grandma and grandpa play gross motor games, I’m all about the music and books) so she gets the benefits of the “specialization”. There are pros and cons to one dedicated caregiver vs. multiple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children really do benefit from having a full time parent. There's no way around that.

Your blanket statement is not true. I guess you can keep saying it if it makes you feel better about your choice, but then that says something about how you feel about your choice, doesn't it?

I'm not the PP here but you are right, it's not always true. What is true is that children benefit from having a full time parent who wants to be a full time parent. If their parents don't want to then the kid is better off spending the majority of their day with someone who actually wants to be with them, assuming the daycare provider does it for that reason and not just to make a difficult buck.

Actually, I think kids benefit from being around many different people who all teach them different things. Your post is disgusting, by the way. Parents who work still "actually want to be with" their kids. Seriously, you're an asshole.

Some parents don't enjoy being parents. My mom was clearly one of them. Thank goodness she worked. I don't think I would have survived my childhood with her home. I SAH and love it. I can see the benefits for my children given their needs. To each their own, but not everyone enjoys being a parent.

Lol! I am a WOHM and enjoy being a parent. But I also enjoy the intellectual stimulation that comes from my profession. The fact that I work also means that DD gets to spend a lot more time than she otherwise would have with DH, grandparents, and her nanny. We all have different strengths in childcare (e.g., her nanny is great at pretend play and art, DH is great with building things, grandma and grandpa play gross motor games, I’m all about the music and books) so she gets the benefits of the “specialization”. There are pros and cons to one dedicated caregiver vs. multiple.

Great for your daughter. Not everyone has that or a mom who really enjoys being a mom (which became clearer when she had grandkids).

[Anonymous]

I love my kids and have been entertaining them nonstop. But my 3.5 year old is SO SAD to not see her daycare friends. It makes me wonder how SAHMs do it without daily friends for their kids. Are none raising extroverts?