I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Why all the abortion suggestions? Adoption is harder, but so many people would love a baby. OP I feel for you, and hope for the best. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got pregnant on purpose - maybe her boyfriend is leaving for college soon, maybe she was just trying to hold on to that loser (he is, in fact, a loser for not taking a more active part in birth control).

She needs to really rethink just how difficult life is for a young, uneducated, single mother. Send her to volunteer at a shelter for women and children or something. Shit, have her come hang out with me for a few hours.

She should not have this baby. She can always start her family later and needs to understand that this is an option.

Sorry, if he's a loser, so is she.

The fact is she holds the cards now.

You sound like the mom of a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My good friend’s daughter got pregnant at 17. She had the baby two months after she graduated from high school. She graduated from college, is engaged (not to the baby’s father), and has a really good job. That baby is now seven.

Once the initial shock wore off, they made a solid plan. They insisted she work part time and go to school while they cared for the baby. She lived at home. It wasn’t easy. But with love and support, things turned out ok. I know it feels like the end of the world. It’s not. ((hugs))

This is what my parents did. It’s a crap life for the child. People line your friend and OP’s daughter are selfish brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got pregnant on purpose - maybe her boyfriend is leaving for college soon, maybe she was just trying to hold on to that loser (he is, in fact, a loser for not taking a more active part in birth control).

She needs to really rethink just how difficult life is for a young, uneducated, single mother. Send her to volunteer at a shelter for women and children or something. Shit, have her come hang out with me for a few hours.

She should not have this baby. She can always start her family later and needs to understand that this is an option.

Sorry, if he's a loser, so is she.

The fact is she holds the cards now.

You sound like the mom of a boy.

I'm the mom of both. You don't get to put it all on one person. They did this together. Now she has to make a decision, and they need to make a plan together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why all the abortion suggestions? Adoption is harder, but so many people would love a baby. OP I feel for you, and hope for the best. Hugs.

Because, as you said yourself, adoption is harder. It’s physically more dangerous and emotionally very messy. If somebody wants to place a baby for adoption I am all for it but abortions save lives on a physical and emotional level.

[Anonymous]

Does the boy have a job or skills/education to get a decent job?

You all need to have a meeting; You, your daughter's father (if he is still in the picture), the boy's parents, and the parents-to-be.

Be prepared to tell the young couple what you are able to help with:

-Will you allow your daughter to live with you in your home and raise the baby there? Is there any time limit on that?
-Will the boy be allowed to live there too?
-If you won't allow her to live in your home, are you willing to help her establish a new home (co-sign for an apartment, help with security deposit, etc?)
-Are you willing to provide any childcare while she works/goes to school?

The boy's parents should also be clear on what (if anything they are willing to provide.) Technically NONE OF YOU (grandparents-to-be) are obligated to help at all.

Depending on how much or little support you and the other grandparents are willing to offer, you should have some ideas on hand for what they can do to support themselves.

Ideas for less expensive housing
Ideas for jobs/job training if needed
Government and private resources (such as WIC.)

[Anonymous]

OP- I was the pp who came across as extremely critical of your DD. I'm not in the camp of "this isn't fair to you," - it's not, but as parents, we know that things happen with our kids (either within or not within their control) that aren't fair to their parents.

I think your DD has made an adult decision to have sex, and it seems, has made an adult decision to get pregnant. I'm not sure why-- and if I were you, I would start there.

I think the outcomes are probably rosier if it was an accident and she is otherwise a responsible kid-- if this was purposeful or deliberately neglecting using birth control, then I really do think that you should back off offering a lot of tangible support at this point. If you enable one terrible decision, there may be more to follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD who just turned 18 told me yesterday she is pregnant. I am so heartbroken with this child. I am not sure how to handle this. Anyone with same experience?

You say I love you and I am so excited to meet this new person and I have your back! I am not sure on why people are encouraging her to kill the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD who just turned 18 told me yesterday she is pregnant. I am so heartbroken with this child. I am not sure how to handle this. Anyone with same experience?

You say I love you and I am so excited to meet this new person and I have your back! I am not sure on why people are encouraging her to kill the baby.

Nobody wants to kill the baby. There is no baby. And if she said that it would obviously be a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD who just turned 18 told me yesterday she is pregnant. I am so heartbroken with this child. I am not sure how to handle this. Anyone with same experience?

You say I love you and I am so excited to meet this new person and I have your back! I am not sure on why people are encouraging her to kill the baby.

It's not a baby. It's a cluster of cells with the potential to turn into a baby, many months from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the boy have a job or skills/education to get a decent job?

You all need to have a meeting; You, your daughter's father (if he is still in the picture), the boy's parents, and the parents-to-be.

Be prepared to tell the young couple what you are able to help with:

-Will you allow your daughter to live with you in your home and raise the baby there? Is there any time limit on that?
-Will the boy be allowed to live there too?
-If you won't allow her to live in your home, are you willing to help her establish a new home (co-sign for an apartment, help with security deposit, etc?)
-Are you willing to provide any childcare while she works/goes to school?

The boy's parents should also be clear on what (if anything they are willing to provide.) Technically NONE OF YOU (grandparents-to-be) are obligated to help at all.

Depending on how much or little support you and the other grandparents are willing to offer, you should have some ideas on hand for what they can do to support themselves.

Ideas for less expensive housing
Ideas for jobs/job training if needed
Government and private resources (such as WIC.)

Yes, in theory, except that when they bring a vulnerable new life into the world, and can't/won't uphold their end of the deal, who is going suffer? Is a grandparent really going to sit back and let their infant grandchild be homeless or without childcare? And how responsible are these young parents-- maybe DD got pregnant on purpose without a degree or a plan, and who is the boy and what is his situation?

When people are talking about termination or adoption, there are good reasons. These young people are likely too immature and dependent to be parents-- and so raising the child may fall to the grandparents or that child will suffer in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the boy have a job or skills/education to get a decent job?

You all need to have a meeting; You, your daughter's father (if he is still in the picture), the boy's parents, and the parents-to-be.

Be prepared to tell the young couple what you are able to help with:

-Will you allow your daughter to live with you in your home and raise the baby there? Is there any time limit on that?
-Will the boy be allowed to live there too?
-If you won't allow her to live in your home, are you willing to help her establish a new home (co-sign for an apartment, help with security deposit, etc?)
-Are you willing to provide any childcare while she works/goes to school?

The boy's parents should also be clear on what (if anything they are willing to provide.) Technically NONE OF YOU (grandparents-to-be) are obligated to help at all.

Depending on how much or little support you and the other grandparents are willing to offer, you should have some ideas on hand for what they can do to support themselves.

Ideas for less expensive housing
Ideas for jobs/job training if needed
Government and private resources (such as WIC.)

Yes, in theory, except that when they bring a vulnerable new life into the world, and can't/won't uphold their end of the deal, who is going suffer? Is a grandparent really going to sit back and let their infant grandchild be homeless or without childcare? And how responsible are these young parents-- maybe DD got pregnant on purpose without a degree or a plan, and who is the boy and what is his situation?

When people are talking about termination or adoption, there are good reasons. These young people are likely too immature and dependent to be parents-- and so raising the child may fall to the grandparents or that child will suffer in the long run.

And that's a shame. It still doesn't put OP or the boy's parents on the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I was the pp who came across as extremely critical of your DD. I'm not in the camp of "this isn't fair to you," - it's not, but as parents, we know that things happen with our kids (either within or not within their control) that aren't fair to their parents.

I think your DD has made an adult decision to have sex, and it seems, has made an adult decision to get pregnant. I'm not sure why-- and if I were you, I would start there.

I think the outcomes are probably rosier if it was an accident and she is otherwise a responsible kid-- if this was purposeful or deliberately neglecting using birth control, then I really do think that you should back off offering a lot of tangible support at this point. If you enable one terrible decision, there may be more to follow.

If this was purposeful, than she needs mental health help, and that should be step one. This talk of "enable one terrible decision" is not helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why all the abortion suggestions? Adoption is harder, but so many people would love a baby. OP I feel for you, and hope for the best. Hugs.

There's no way she's giving the baby she got pregnant with on purpose away after she sees its sweet face. Let's be realistic.

[Anonymous]

NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.