If you had to do it all over again would you?

[Anonymous]

Yes, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No. I wouldn't. Her lack of a sex drive even while dating was something I excused, and something she often apologized for, when we were dating. She assured me that she'd work to make things better. She hasn't. We were such great friends that we married anyway. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I just don't interest her sexually, although she obviously loves me and says that the other things she does around the house should be enough to make me happy. It isn't. I'm stuck, and profoundly sad.

This sounds a little like my marriage. We are generally happy, not on the verge of divorce by any stretch of the imagination, but the lack of physical attraction is a major issue for both of us (I'm the one who's not so interested in him; he makes it obvious he's attracted to me). We are so compatible in most other ways; he is a great husband & father and I really love him. I would never leave him or break up our little family. I just wish there were some sparks between us. I don't think there ever was any real physical chemistry, so it is hard to "rekindle" something that wasn't really there in the first place. I am working on it, but it's hard to force yourself to feel physical attraction. I think I have made a little bit of progress but I have a long way to go. Probably therapy would help, but I'm not there yet. I think we're at sort of an equilibrium now where he is moderately satisfied and I'm just going through the motions, but at least I'm not rejecting him. I can't imagine us not staying together, so I guess in a way I'm resigned to the idea that if I don't make some improvements myself, I may never have steamy, passionate sex ever again -- and I agree with you, that is a very sad situation to be in.

This makes me sad...in so many ways.
What keeps the love going?
Do you have great communication and lots of laughter or not really? I am very curious.
You sound like a loving person who is a lot more mature than I will ever be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds a little like my marriage. We are generally happy, not on the verge of divorce by any stretch of the imagination, but the lack of physical attraction is a major issue for both of us (I'm the one who's not so interested in him; he makes it obvious he's attracted to me). We are so compatible in most other ways; he is a great husband & father and I really love him. I would never leave him or break up our little family. I just wish there were some sparks between us. I don't think there ever was any real physical chemistry, so it is hard to "rekindle" something that wasn't really there in the first place. I am working on it, but it's hard to force yourself to feel physical attraction. I think I have made a little bit of progress but I have a long way to go. Probably therapy would help, but I'm not there yet. I think we're at sort of an equilibrium now where he is moderately satisfied and I'm just going through the motions, but at least I'm not rejecting him. I can't imagine us not staying together, so I guess in a way I'm resigned to the idea that if I don't make some improvements myself, I may never have steamy, passionate sex ever again -- and I agree with you, that is a very sad situation to be in.

Does he understand that you're not so interested in him? Or do you lie and say that you are, but that you're just not in the mood?

Do you reassure him that you find him attractive, when you don't really feel that way?

The lack of honesty is likely hurting. Laying out the truth to each other, could help move things to progress better for you both. Why would you have married him if you weren't physically attracted to him to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. Glad I'm not the only one but it's sad that so many feel this way.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Married 18 years, and most days I can't believe how I lucked out finding my DW. Sure. there have been problems, every marriage has stuff come up, but I believe my life as a whole is infinitely better and more interesting because of her.

[Anonymous]

No. I sometimes feel like I'd feel better about our relationship if you could actually say this to your spouse without it ruining the relationship.

Having kids is hard, being married is hard, but somehow I'm finding the fact you can't frankly say to the person most closely sharing those experiences that (not that you plan to divorce them) "if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't marry you / have kids with you" -- it was the worst idea I've ever had.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't.

I often think that the choice to marry and procreate is very primal, rooted in evolutionary instincts to reproduce. We put a veil of love, romance, stability, values over it, but ultimately it is really about keeping the species going, and once we've accomplished that, well, there we are, looking at our partners, wondering *WTF*?

I really think this. Sad, but true.

[Anonymous]

No way...

[Anonymous]

Hell yes! Love him more every day, even after 12+ years. I hit the jackpot and I'm very very thankful we found each other.

[Anonymous]

No. Not the kids even. None of it.

[Anonymous]

Yes. For the name change and the beautiful babies. Oh, and I got a couple pieces of nice jewelry out of it. But, he doesn't "get" me or appreciate what he's got. He doesn't believe in displays of affection and has told me he loves me a scarce handful of times. Very Clint Eastwood. But, we've got glorious children to raise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Not the kids even. None of it.

This makes me sad for you, that you don't seem to have even that positive from your marriage. What's been so terrible to make you feel this way? (Not judging hosnestly, just thought that misery loves company)

[Anonymous]

no

If it weren't for the kids and my piss poor salary, I would have left long ago.

[Anonymous]

The only thing keeping me marred is my DD. I think my wife would ruin her. And, being in VA, she would not only get custody, but about 40% of my gross. My wife does nothing all day....while DD is away at school or what ever, she calls me up at work to complain (sometime 10 times/day).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely marry him and wish we'd met when we were younger. I wouldn't have kids again, though.

Sad.