If you had to do it all over again would you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I wouldn't. Her lack of a sex drive even while dating was something I excused, and something she often apologized for, when we were dating. She assured me that she'd work to make things better. She hasn't. We were such great friends that we married anyway. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I just don't interest her sexually, although she obviously loves me and says that the other things she does around the house should be enough to make me happy. It isn't. I'm stuck, and profoundly sad.

Very sorry. Try to get your wife into counseling. Have lived this and it ultimately destroyed the marriage.

Yup. Find a good divorce lawyer today.

You'd divorce her over sex? Really? You don't identify any other issues. Assuming there are none (a big assumption) why not just get some on the side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I wouldn't. Her lack of a sex drive even while dating was something I excused, and something she often apologized for, when we were dating. She assured me that she'd work to make things better. She hasn't. We were such great friends that we married anyway. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I just don't interest her sexually, although she obviously loves me and says that the other things she does around the house should be enough to make me happy. It isn't. I'm stuck, and profoundly sad.

You're not stuck you have several choices - you can go to counseling (though you said below she wouldn't) or you can get divorced, or you can stay in your marriage and be unhappy, but that is then your CHOICE. I am getting divorced and one of the reasons is lack of sex - and as another poster asked about just getting some on the side - I tried that, then my husband found out - and even if he hadn't, when you are not having sex the intimacy in your marriage is gone, and when you have an affair you are keeping a secret from your partner which becomes toxic eventually. Feeling stuck is just that FEELING stuck, it is not objective reality - if your wife won't go to counseling, I highly recommend individual counseling for yourself to help work out some of these issues for yourself. Good luck - I know how difficult a situation it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I wouldn't. Her lack of a sex drive even while dating was something I excused, and something she often apologized for, when we were dating. She assured me that she'd work to make things better. She hasn't. We were such great friends that we married anyway. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I just don't interest her sexually, although she obviously loves me and says that the other things she does around the house should be enough to make me happy. It isn't. I'm stuck, and profoundly sad.

Very sorry. Try to get your wife into counseling. Have lived this and it ultimately destroyed the marriage.

Yup. Find a good divorce lawyer today.

You'd divorce her over sex? Really? You don't identify any other issues. Assuming there are none (a big assumption) why not just get some on the side?

Obviously this is about more than sex. Her lack of desire means, to me, that she is not love with him, they are not soul-mates. As he stated, they are friends. This is not enough for marriage.

I agree, seek a divorce attorney. As painful as this will be, the chances that you will be happier in the future increase greatly.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a chance in hell. I agree w/ PP who wished she could wave a wand and he would 'poof--vanish' I never thought I would say I really didn't like my husband. I thought maybe I'd have a tough marriage b/c I didn't grow up w/ great role models. And I do...but I really, really don't like him and I don't respect him so whenever I've thought that maybe I should insist on therapy or something, then I think...nahh....I wouldn't respect myself if I liked him.

And you stay with him, because???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I would definitely choose my guy, if I had to do it all over again. But maybe not have kids. I love my kids, but parenting is haaaard. Especially without help.

I actually thought this thread was going to be about the decision to have kids, although I would say yes either way (although perhaps not as every-day-enthusiastically as some others).

Just curious - how old are your kids and how many do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I wouldn't. Her lack of a sex drive even while dating was something I excused, and something she often apologized for, when we were dating. She assured me that she'd work to make things better. She hasn't. We were such great friends that we married anyway. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I just don't interest her sexually, although she obviously loves me and says that the other things she does around the house should be enough to make me happy. It isn't. I'm stuck, and profoundly sad.

Yes, I'm almost positive I would do it again, but my DH lack of sex drive has really put a damper on our sex life and things haven't really changed for many years, although we discuss how to make changes frequently and he assures me that he is still attracted to me. He is a good father, kind, hard working, smart etc and overall we have a good relationship, but it's tough feeling like he is not interested in me sexually. He has said he doesn't want to go to a therapist. I wouldn't leave him, however, because I like our life, love him and don't want to hurt our children. I guess I have hope that he/we can change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I would definitely choose my guy, if I had to do it all over again. But maybe not have kids. I love my kids, but parenting is haaaard. Especially without help.

I actually thought this thread was going to be about the decision to have kids, although I would say yes either way (although perhaps not as every-day-enthusiastically as some others).

Just curious - how old are your kids and how many do you have?

PP of the 1st line here. 2 kids--nearly 4.5 and 1.5. One with special needs. (That's not a factor in why I say maybe I'd forego kids.) Just raising 2 without family nearby is hard. There are only so many paid babysitting hours we can afford. I know things will get easier as the kids get older. But the day-to-day and the minutiae do get to me.

[Anonymous]

Hell to the NO.

[Anonymous]

Not a chance. I also don't like my husband anymore. I'm glad that I'm not the only one but also think how sad it is that so many of us are feeling like this in marriage. I would not change our children for anything and that's what makes me not regret the marriage.

[Anonymous]

"I guess I have hope that he/we can change. "

A failure to plan is a plan to FAIL. Would you advise your kids to do the same as you have done?

[Anonymous]

No. I wouldn't. Her lack of a sex drive even while dating was something I excused, and something she often apologized for, when we were dating. She assured me that she'd work to make things better. She hasn't. We were such great friends that we married anyway. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I just don't interest her sexually, although she obviously loves me and says that the other things she does around the house should be enough to make me happy. It isn't. I'm stuck, and profoundly sad.

This sounds a little like my marriage. We are generally happy, not on the verge of divorce by any stretch of the imagination, but the lack of physical attraction is a major issue for both of us (I'm the one who's not so interested in him; he makes it obvious he's attracted to me). We are so compatible in most other ways; he is a great husband & father and I really love him. I would never leave him or break up our little family. I just wish there were some sparks between us. I don't think there ever was any real physical chemistry, so it is hard to "rekindle" something that wasn't really there in the first place. I am working on it, but it's hard to force yourself to feel physical attraction. I think I have made a little bit of progress but I have a long way to go. Probably therapy would help, but I'm not there yet. I think we're at sort of an equilibrium now where he is moderately satisfied and I'm just going through the motions, but at least I'm not rejecting him. I can't imagine us not staying together, so I guess in a way I'm resigned to the idea that if I don't make some improvements myself, I may never have steamy, passionate sex ever again -- and I agree with you, that is a very sad situation to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: "I guess I have hope that he/we can change. "

A failure to plan is a plan to FAIL. Would you advise your kids to do the same as you have done?

I don't really understand your post. Yes, I would advise my kids to stay married if at all possible and to work very hard to improve their marriage and to have faith (hope) that people/situations can change. What sort of plan were you referring to?

[Anonymous]

No way. Glad I'm not the only one but it's sad that so many feel this way.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure. I wish in some ways I'd married the poor artist with incredible passion instead of the secure and stable accountant. Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I wouldn't. Her lack of a sex drive even while dating was something I excused, and something she often apologized for, when we were dating. She assured me that she'd work to make things better. She hasn't. We were such great friends that we married anyway. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I just don't interest her sexually, although she obviously loves me and says that the other things she does around the house should be enough to make me happy. It isn't. I'm stuck, and profoundly sad.

Sexless DW here. The problem did not surface before we married so it is hard to know what I would decide. I feel really sad when I think about getting my ration (1x/3-4 weeks) for the next 40 years. And yet there is no one else I could have seen myself marrying. Thank God for Chatroulette!