If you had to do it all over again would you?

[Anonymous]

No way! I hate his guts, wishing he'd just disappear from my life, and looking for a place to move out. New year, new beginning.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I was too inexperienced and besotted to understand that some of DH's odd behaviors were evidence of actual mental illness, and that stressful times would unleash the monster. I've been married 12 years now, but the last 5 have been a fairly constant scary-a$$ed hell.

[Anonymous]

I would and now wished that I had met him a few years earlier. We got married when I was 34 and he 35 and had a child right away. Wish we had had a few childless years to travel and do some of the other things we enjoy doing together.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely marry him and wish we'd met when we were younger. I wouldn't have kids again, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely marry him and wish we'd met when we were younger. I wouldn't have kids again, though.

Interesting...

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I think I'm lucky too--got married young and before I really considered the importance of the "little" things in a marriage (cleaning up after himself, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but I don't know if I would be any happier.
But yeah, I would like to be single but still have the same kids if there was a choice.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

I would marry him all over again in a heartbeat but only if he did not come with the horrid ex and adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I was too inexperienced and besotted to understand that some of DH's odd behaviors were evidence of actual mental illness, and that stressful times would unleash the monster. I've been married 12 years now, but the last 5 have been a fairly constant scary-a$$ed hell.

I have a bit of this as well. When we met, he was my knight in shining armor who was going to save me from my completely dysfunctional family. I missed all the signs of how crazy his upbringing was, and how poorly equipped he would be to deal with the stress of grown-up life. BUT he has carried me through really tough times in my life and so I am here to support him (he is going through severe depression).

But to the original posters question, I would do it again with the same guy, but I would do the stuff differently.

[Anonymous]

"I missed all the signs of how crazy his upbringing was, and how poorly equipped he would be to deal with the stress of grown-up life."

Same with my DH. I knew there was dysfunction, but thought that he came out normal enough and that the influence of normal family members, along with therapy he had done, would be enough to model a good marriage. I also thought that as long as we were willing to do therapy that any issue could be fixed. I was wrong - our marriage is such a struggle because he lacked the modeling of parents discussing things, talking about their problems, expressing their emotions, and managing money normally. I'm exhausted dealing with this. Somethings I think that marrying him was the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm still hanging on so I guess that means I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Though there are definitely times when I'd like to throttle my husband as well. I am definitely too hard on him, but he is the best thing that ever happened to me and exactly the type of person I need in my life to balance me out.

And our kids are gorgegous...

[Anonymous]

Boy, that's a good question. I certainly would have been more pro-active about financial things so that we didn't get into a deep financial hole based on his optimism that we'd get jobs later and pay for our graduate school debts or that we could afford the beautiful house we bought with a 100% mortgage. That would have saved 10 years of sleepless nights. And I would have had premarital counseling.

But I can't say that I would have married anyone else who was any less neurotic. I just would have gone into the relationship with my eyes wide open. And the real question was whether getting married was the thing to do at all. (I'm not so good at living with other people.)

But the reality is that I fundamentally love my husband even though I think there is a part of him that is damaged that he will never truly address. That makes him hard to live with sometimes. And I hate that he will never see how his occasional whining and self-pity are controlling and self-centered.

But even so as a life partner, he's been pretty good. Stable, loving dad, co-parents and shares household work, happy and successful in his career, and loves me with a devotion I'm not sure I deserve. Still, there is a part of me that will always miss being single....

[Anonymous]

Nope. We married in a flurry of loneliness and lust but I'm just not in love with him. I do love him as a friend though.

[Anonymous]

Things are okay with us, but I always wonder if we may part ways after the kids are grown....
If I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn't have married him, and if we couldn't have kids, we probably wouldn't be together. He doesn't feel this way, I'm sure, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I was too inexperienced and besotted to understand that some of DH's odd behaviors were evidence of actual mental illness, and that stressful times would unleash the monster. I've been married 12 years now, but the last 5 have been a fairly constant scary-a$$ed hell.

Thank you, PP. You have expressed my similar situation perfectly ... "too inexperienced and besotted to understand ... mental illness".

In my next go around, I hope not to make the same poor choice in spouse, but I am glad that I did finally recognize the untreated illness for what it was and decided to leave once the ex refused to get appropriate treatment. A sad situation all around for me and the kids, but better (in our situation) than living through the untreated alternative.

Best wishes to you.