Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?

[Anonymous]

DH needs to tell her to stop it with the breast-feeding comments and unsolicited advice. It's that simple. Because if it's not breast-feeding, it will be something else.

And, in the moment, either of you can say, "Thanks, we've got it under control" or "Thanks, we're comfortable with the plan we worked out with our pediatrician." Showing confidence even while you're struggling will actually help. "Yes, this is challenging, but we're handling it" is what you want to project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve BTDT. I thought my DH, mom and MIL were all conspiring against me to sabotage my BF efforts! I now realize they were trying to help a struggling, suffering new mom who was desperately trying to do what’s best for her child. In retrospect I should have listened to them.

Same experience for me too. And several other moms I know. They all pretty much wish they could go back and take their family's advice. The struggle wasn't worth it

With all due respect, women should consult professionals rather than rely on inexperienced family. In most countries and cultures, from poor to rich, women are mentored with breastfeeding. My French SIL had a nurse/lactation specialist visit her at home; these were standard visits covered by her plan in addition to frequent pediatrician visits.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's being a typical MIL, but you are probably extra sensitive about it because of the struggles. If you can ignore it, do. The moment to say something was when she did this. It would just look petty to bring it up now. But you are not wrong, it's one of her business and she could have chosen to approach it tactfully if she cared about how you would feel. She's also probably in her own feelings about not breastfeeding in light of the lactivist movement.

View it as both of you being sensitive about your choices and let it go. You have a long road ahead with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being sensitive -- in her own way she's trying to say it's okay if breastfeeding doesn't work for you. She recognizes you are struggling and is trying to be supportive.

Not worth making a big deal out of it.

This. She is trying to make you feel that there is no guilt or shame in giving up BF if it's causing you harm mentally. While the majority doesn't breatfeed, the women who are in dcum are in the group of women who put a ton of pressure on it bc it's the ideal after all and that gets hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ But the point is some ‘struggle’ is normal for breastfeeding. Many, many babies don’t just pop out and know exactly how to make it work. It often takes time, effort, trial and error. How much struggle is worth it is an individual choice, but to say that it “shouldn’t” be a struggle is ignorant.

There has to be some logical standard of how much struggle is too much, and that's basically ignored by all of the lactation industry/public health propaganda. A small amount of struggle, sure. Tripe feeding, exclusive pumping, baby always on the verge of starving ... too much.

Interesting that you trust the food industry propaganda over the public health propaganda.

um, what? do you also call sliced bread "food industry propaganda"? how about cheerios? coffee? are dishwashers "appliance industry propaganda"? are clothes "apparel industry propaganda"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve BTDT. I thought my DH, mom and MIL were all conspiring against me to sabotage my BF efforts! I now realize they were trying to help a struggling, suffering new mom who was desperately trying to do what’s best for her child. In retrospect I should have listened to them.

Same experience for me too. And several other moms I know. They all pretty much wish they could go back and take their family's advice. The struggle wasn't worth it

With all due respect, women should consult professionals rather than rely on inexperienced family. In most countries and cultures, from poor to rich, women are mentored with breastfeeding. My French SIL had a nurse/lactation specialist visit her at home; these were standard visits covered by her plan in addition to frequent pediatrician visits.

French women breastfeed at MUCH lower rates. This has nothing to do with support or "professionals" and all about a weird fixation on breastfeeding in this country. I'd venture to say that in most countries and cultures, absent inaccurate propaganda, the vast majority of women will choose not to breastfeed in the face of any meaningful difficulty (or just won't do it at all for any length of time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being sensitive -- in her own way she's trying to say it's okay if breastfeeding doesn't work for you. She recognizes you are struggling and is trying to be supportive.

Not worth making a big deal out of it.

This. She is trying to make you feel that there is no guilt or shame in giving up BF if it's causing you harm mentally. While the majority doesn't breatfeed, the women who are in dcum are in the group of women who put a ton of pressure on it bc it's the ideal after all and that gets hard.

O, she is telling OP that there is guilt and shame in trying to co to use what she wants to do, even though she finds it challenging right now. One conversation about it is enough. The repeated messages are demoralizing and draining, and the formula tops it off. This isn’t co. Earn, this is co trol and meddling, and very typical of what many women face when BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m currently breastfeeding but we are struggling. I’m choosing to stick with it three more weeks until baby is 6 weeks old. Baby has some latching issues we are working on but I’m pretty much exclusively pumping at this point. My MIL has been present during and is aware of the struggles, and she’s been pretty vocal about how she feels BFing isn’t necessary, baby will be fine if I choose to switch to formula, etc. She didn’t BF. She showed up to visit yesterday and before she left she pulled out a tub of formula. She have it to me and told me basically, here’s this, one day you might get desperate, and you’ll have it. I’m pretty pissed off about the whole thing. DH says to ignore it, she’s just trying to help. I feel she’s trying to insert herself and thinks she’s right. Before I proceed, am I just being sensitive?

Fed is best. Stop being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being sensitive -- in her own way she's trying to say it's okay if breastfeeding doesn't work for you. She recognizes you are struggling and is trying to be supportive.

Not worth making a big deal out of it.

x1000 In her own way she is trying to let you know that it is okay if you stop BFing. Your hormones are getting the best of you. Take the olive branch and cherish it.

[Anonymous]

Seems like she is realistic. I would have said thanks. Plus, she could be right based on your writing about the trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve BTDT. I thought my DH, mom and MIL were all conspiring against me to sabotage my BF efforts! I now realize they were trying to help a struggling, suffering new mom who was desperately trying to do what’s best for her child. In retrospect I should have listened to them.

Same experience for me too. And several other moms I know. They all pretty much wish they could go back and take their family's advice. The struggle wasn't worth it

With all due respect, women should consult professionals rather than rely on inexperienced family. In most countries and cultures, from poor to rich, women are mentored with breastfeeding. My French SIL had a nurse/lactation specialist visit her at home; these were standard visits covered by her plan in addition to frequent pediatrician visits.

French women breastfeed at MUCH lower rates. This has nothing to do with support or "professionals" and all about a weird fixation on breastfeeding in this country. I'd venture to say that in most countries and cultures, absent inaccurate propaganda, the vast majority of women will choose not to breastfeed in the face of any meaningful difficulty (or just won't do it at all for any length of time).

Dp: You are correct that French women breastfeed at lower rates. Your guess about “most countries and cultures is very wrong.

See https://www.thelocal.fr/20141007/french-very-unlikely-to-breast-feed

Obviously you see no advantages in breastfeeding. Many, many people disagree.

[Anonymous]

Limit her visits for the time being. You need to be surrounded by supportive people, see if there is a La Leche League in your area. They can help you get you baby to latch properly and provide general support if you are committed to breastfeeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve BTDT. I thought my DH, mom and MIL were all conspiring against me to sabotage my BF efforts! I now realize they were trying to help a struggling, suffering new mom who was desperately trying to do what’s best for her child. In retrospect I should have listened to them.

Same experience for me too. And several other moms I know. They all pretty much wish they could go back and take their family's advice. The struggle wasn't worth it

With all due respect, women should consult professionals rather than rely on inexperienced family. In most countries and cultures, from poor to rich, women are mentored with breastfeeding. My French SIL had a nurse/lactation specialist visit her at home; these were standard visits covered by her plan in addition to frequent pediatrician visits.

You are assuming that PPs did not consult professionals. You are making an incorrect assumption. And too bad we can’t all live in France!

[Anonymous]

There are so many that push breastfeeding and no one really says its ok not to breast-feed. She is trying to help and be supportive. That's nice she got you some so if you don't pump baby does not go hungry. Worst case you don't use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many that push breastfeeding and no one really says its ok not to breast-feed. She is trying to help and be supportive. That's nice she got you some so if you don't pump baby does not go hungry. Worst case you don't use it.

+1 I would view it as kind. It sounds like you're really struggling and she's supporting you how she can.