Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?

[Anonymous]

I’m currently breastfeeding but we are struggling. I’m choosing to stick with it three more weeks until baby is 6 weeks old. Baby has some latching issues we are working on but I’m pretty much exclusively pumping at this point. My MIL has been present during and is aware of the struggles, and she’s been pretty vocal about how she feels BFing isn’t necessary, baby will be fine if I choose to switch to formula, etc. She didn’t BF. She showed up to visit yesterday and before she left she pulled out a tub of formula. She have it to me and told me basically, here’s this, one day you might get desperate, and you’ll have it. I’m pretty pissed off about the whole thing. DH says to ignore it, she’s just trying to help. I feel she’s trying to insert herself and thinks she’s right. Before I proceed, am I just being sensitive?

[Anonymous]

You are being sensitive -- in her own way she's trying to say it's okay if breastfeeding doesn't work for you. She recognizes you are struggling and is trying to be supportive.

Not worth making a big deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

Yes you're being sensitive, but she's not wrong. I vividly remember my SIL counseling me to just have a tub of formula on hand if it was needed at my baby shower, and my sister (lactivist who, suprise, never had any supply issues) shot her down and said "you won't need that!" Guess who had to make a bleary-eyed emergency CVS run to get baby formula ... ?

Your MIL is seeing that you're struggling for very little benefit, and is trying to help. One bottle of formula a day will reduce the stress on you, the baby, and the entire family. She may also perceive that the baby is not gaining enough weight.

Yes, this is a fraught area, but some women (raises hand!) get irrational about breastfeeding. It's not healthy to expect everyone else to just indulge that irrationality, frankly.

[Anonymous]

She is trying to help, and you are sensitive. I struggled so hard with breastfeeding, wept through multiple PACE meetings, spent literally thousands of dollars on pumps and rentals and different sized flanges and LCs and books and supplements, and still get really upset when I think of how much it sucked that I couldn't make it work. If I knew someone struggling to BF right now I wouldn't say anything but I would REALLY REALLY REALLY want to say: just stop, you are allowed to stop, the baby will be fine and healthy and you will be happier. I wouldn't say it, because I remember how much it hurt when people said stuff like that to me, even though now I think they were right. Your MIL had babies when the pressure to BF wasn't as strong and if it sucked for her she has enough distance from it for it not to be fresh. She does mean well. It still hurts, I know.

You're doing a good job.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp, you are being too sensitive.

[Anonymous]

I ebf (2nd kid) but keep formula around just in case, dh has used it once or twice with mixed results. I think the comments she makes are more hurtful. Especially if they come with that judgey side eye. Ask your dh to talk to his mom about supporting your bf efforts or staying out of it completely. He needs to shield you a bit right now.

I know you didn’t ask for bf advice but it’s good to have a deadline so you don’t drive yourself crazy. For me both times it got easier at a month or so. As long as baby is a good weight you are doing fine.

[Anonymous]

MIL was trying to help. There is nothing to be upset about.

Good luck on whatever you do, OP.

[Anonymous]

"Ill intent"? No, there is no "ill intent." Your MIL is not trying to hurt anyone. She's trying to help. You may think she's wrong or not helping, but her intent is to reduce your struggles and possibly keep the baby healthy (if the baby is not gaining appropriately).

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like she’s trying to reassure you and let you know it’s OK if baby is on formula. It really is and I would not read any ill intent but motherly love advice.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, not your question, but since you said your baby was having trouble latching -- when your baby opens his mouth to latch on, pull down on his chin with your thumb -- really pull it down, so his mouth is wide open more than seems natural. Then pull him up to your nipple and let his chin go. See if that helps him latch on. It helped me.

[Anonymous]

Wow. People can't win these days.

If society talks about the benefits of breastfeeding, you get mad. If they give you breastfeeding alternatives, you get mad.

[Anonymous]

You’re being too sensitive. Your MIL gave it to you essentially in the case of an “emergency”, and indicated as such. Like a PP said, this may help you avoid a midnight run to the store at some point.

[Anonymous]

Yes you’re being sensitive and hormonal but your response is also entirely normal. Be kind to yourself. It’s a tough time.

[Anonymous]

I was you! My baby suddenly got it worked out at 6 weeks and breastfeed for over a year. You may not have that outcome, but I know that awful treadmill of 6 weeks of trying to bf directly while pumping every three hours, washing pump supplies and bottles non-stop, and never sleeping.

It is a *very* different experience than that quiet stretch that some newborns and new moms have. It was really pretty awful.

Hang in there! And continue pumping and trying to breastfeed — or not. What your MIL is correct about is that things will work out okay in the end, partly because formula is okay, and mainly because your baby has a dedicated mom who is working hard on his behalf.

Your MIL is not right to make you feel like she is disrespectful or your choices and efforts. It was a boneheaded move — you know where to get or how to ask for formula if you want it. No doubt she her intentions are good, and she thinks your problem could be ‘easily’ solved, but, yeah, she should keep out of it.

With that said, let it go. It’s a small mistake from someone from a different generation with a different perspective. Just view it as her wanting you to have all options readily available.

Enjoy your new baby! (And get counsel from the Breastfeeding Center if you have not already.)

[Anonymous]

Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.