Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.

Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?

You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."

You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.

[Anonymous]

You’re being sensitive. For context, we struggled in the beginning also then successfully breast fed for two years so clearly not judging your choice. That said, I did supplement with formula a bit in the beginning. None of this is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL would say to your MIL "Your heart is in the right place, but this is hurtful." She's a better person than I am because.....

I would say "F*$& YOU!"

I have not patience for the whole good-intentions-bad-delivery thing. YOU are recovering from childbirth---only 3 weeks ago! YOU are trying to adjust to this needy little newborn. YOU need support, emotionally and physically, not not have people openly questions and judging you, which is what your MIL is doing. There's a way to show support for a new mom struggling with BFing--that's so not what your MIL is doing.

Let's put aside, MIL and her ill-mannered self. Are you taking care of you? Have you been able to see a lactation consultant? Has baby been evaluated for various latch issues? Is someone around to quite literally support you--bringing you tons of water, healthy food, take baby off your hands so you can sleep or pump or take a shower? Do you need MIL around less? I know my MIL sets me on edge and I cannot imagine having her around constantly in those early days.

it's funny that the ONE thing that would actually support OP (someone else taking the baby and giving it a bottle of formula) is the one thing that is verboten. It makes literally no sense. You can't expect other people to buy into your nonsensical system of beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.

Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?

What a load of crap. The baby is 3 weeks old and it’s 2 big things in life are sleeping and eating. She has been preparing for this stage for months, but has little control over all plays out. It’s a tricky time, and OP is surely running on fumes.

This stage has nothing to do with the future of feeding her child from 6 months on.

OP, again, don’t worry about all the judgment you’ll find here. Get advice from the Breastfeeding Center of Washington if you are in the area, and otherwise get a good lactation consultant. You deserve support in this process.

Of COURSE she has control over how to feed the baby! That's the whole point! There is no need to struggle, and she needs to ask herself why she is CHOOSING to struggle!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being understandably sensitive. But as an outsider with kids beyond that stage, I can also imagine MIL's point of view. You are putting a lot of effort into something she chose not to do, or was unable to do. She might be feeling self-conscious, or even have feelings of regret and guilt. Giving you formula might be a away to push those feeling aside. On the other hand, maybe she has no regrets about not breastfeeding and hopes that she could help you feel better about a possible scenario in which you switch to formula. In either case, it's about her, not you.

Eh, I doubt MIL is projecting her own infant feeding experience. Being so emotionally invested in breastfeeding is very much a recent phenomenon. Most MILs will just wonder why you are choosing to put yourself (and possibly the baby and DH) through the wringer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.

Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?

You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."

You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.

At least you're consistent. Simplistic, dismissive, and oblivious to the concept of human emotions, but consistently!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.

Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?

What a load of crap. The baby is 3 weeks old and it’s 2 big things in life are sleeping and eating. She has been preparing for this stage for months, but has little control over all plays out. It’s a tricky time, and OP is surely running on fumes.

This stage has nothing to do with the future of feeding her child from 6 months on.

OP, again, don’t worry about all the judgment you’ll find here. Get advice from the Breastfeeding Center of Washington if you are in the area, and otherwise get a good lactation consultant. You deserve support in this process.

Of COURSE she has control over how to feed the baby! That's the whole point! There is no need to struggle, and she needs to ask herself why she is CHOOSING to struggle!

Because OP has assessed the information and has come to a different conclusion than you. She thinks breastfeeding is not completely equivalent to bottle -feeding and thinks breastfeeding is worth some level of effort. You, along with MIL, should go debate the pros and cons of breastfeeding and level of “worth-it-ness” elsewhere.

And why are you shouting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being understandably sensitive. But as an outsider with kids beyond that stage, I can also imagine MIL's point of view. You are putting a lot of effort into something she chose not to do, or was unable to do. She might be feeling self-conscious, or even have feelings of regret and guilt. Giving you formula might be a away to push those feeling aside. On the other hand, maybe she has no regrets about not breastfeeding and hopes that she could help you feel better about a possible scenario in which you switch to formula. In either case, it's about her, not you.

Eh, I doubt MIL is projecting her own infant feeding experience. Being so emotionally invested in breastfeeding is very much a recent phenomenon. Most MILs will just wonder why you are choosing to put yourself (and possibly the baby and DH) through the wringer.

+1000

[Anonymous]

You are not being too sensitive! Next time tell your MIL thank you for your input, I am consulting professionals (pediatriciann, lactation consultant etc), I will not discuss this topic again.

Please continue your efforts, breast milk is one of the best things you can do for your baby. My baby also had issues latching and everyone started offering the bottle except for my amazing pediatrician who became my lactation consultant. We used a syringe and then a nipple extender and eventually my kid became a champ breast feeder.

Sending you well wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.

Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?

You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."

You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.

At least you're consistent. Simplistic, dismissive, and oblivious to the concept of human emotions, but consistently!

Wait til your kids are older.
- new poster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.

Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?

You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."

You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.

At least you're consistent. Simplistic, dismissive, and oblivious to the concept of human emotions, but consistently!

Wait til your kids are older.
- new poster

I am not OP. I do not have a newborn. I do have a memory and empathy, and understand that there is a difference between deciding between formula and breastfeeding 3 weeks postpartum and deciding between Chikfila and Chipotle on the way to a tournament.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being too sensitive. Your mother-in-law's actions may have been a little awkward, but she is trying to tell you it's ok to feed formula if you need it. And it is ok. It is also ok to press through to breastfeeding even if you face challenges. You do what works for you and your baby. Full stop.

But, I understand why your MIL felt the need to take that step. Although our society still has a ways to go to support breastfeeding (especially in public), many in the medical establishment have swung entirely the other direction. I know this because I had to formula feed for medical reasons and finding information about bottle feeding was a nightmare. All the materials I got from our pediatrician, from our baby books, etc., include pages and pages and pages of information on how to breastfeed and maybe a paragraph or two on bottle feeding. (News flash! Bottle feeding comes with challenges too!) The resource gap between the support provided to breastfeeding moms versus that provided to bottle feeding moms is STARK. Even now, when our second child is approaching 6mos, I still can't get good information on when to start solids because the AAP recommendation is exclusive breastfeeding until 6mos. But our pediatrician told us that was because the AAP wants to press moms to breastfeed, and not because that's necessarily when it's a good idea to start solids. (We ended up starting early in order to ensure we could do early exposure to peanuts.) It really is shocking how hard it is to get good info as a bottle feeding mom.

This well-meaning (and in some cases appropriate) push to make breastfeeding the norm comes with many emotional costs for moms, especially for those who can't or don't want to breastfeed. I cried for months when I learned I would not be able to breast feed and lots of other moms feel the same way. I used to feel shame when feeding my baby in public, for fear that I would be judged for bottle feeding (and I was). People have actually yelled at me. Strangers!

That is why your MIL did what she did. Honestly, she sounds like a peach to me. You're lucky to have a MIL who cares for you like this. If it's your goal to breastfeed for however long as makes sense to you, and you are seeking support to help you overcome challenges, perhaps the best thing to do is tell your MIL that you really appreciate what she's trying to do but that you aren't ready to give up breastfeeding yet and that you'd love it if she could be there for you while you work through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL would say to your MIL "Your heart is in the right place, but this is hurtful." She's a better person than I am because.....

I would say "F*$& YOU!"

I have not patience for the whole good-intentions-bad-delivery thing. YOU are recovering from childbirth---only 3 weeks ago! YOU are trying to adjust to this needy little newborn. YOU need support, emotionally and physically, not not have people openly questions and judging you, which is what your MIL is doing. There's a way to show support for a new mom struggling with BFing--that's so not what your MIL is doing.

Let's put aside, MIL and her ill-mannered self. Are you taking care of you? Have you been able to see a lactation consultant? Has baby been evaluated for various latch issues? Is someone around to quite literally support you--bringing you tons of water, healthy food, take baby off your hands so you can sleep or pump or take a shower? Do you need MIL around less? I know my MIL sets me on edge and I cannot imagine having her around constantly in those early days.

it's funny that the ONE thing that would actually support OP (someone else taking the baby and giving it a bottle of formula) is the one thing that is verboten. It makes literally no sense. You can't expect other people to buy into your nonsensical system of beliefs.

No, there are many ways OP can be supported, one of which would be to ask "how can I help?" You know what's not helpful? Making derogatory remarks about breastfeeding. Which is what MIL is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being understandably sensitive. But as an outsider with kids beyond that stage, I can also imagine MIL's point of view. You are putting a lot of effort into something she chose not to do, or was unable to do. She might be feeling self-conscious, or even have feelings of regret and guilt. Giving you formula might be a away to push those feeling aside. On the other hand, maybe she has no regrets about not breastfeeding and hopes that she could help you feel better about a possible scenario in which you switch to formula. In either case, it's about her, not you.

Which sucks for OP, because this is a time that a woman really needs it to be about her and have the people around her focus on her. Instead, OP has to deal with a MIL who is all about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.

Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?

You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."

You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.

At least you're consistent. Simplistic, dismissive, and oblivious to the concept of human emotions, but consistently!

huh? I mean ... if OP were staying up all night sobbing while grinding flour to make home-made bread for the entire family every night, I would hope someone would try to talk sense into her. Same thing with the breastfeeding here. it's food; not an emotional crucible test of your parenting. if it is emotionally fraught, then that's your sign to think about whether something is wrong overall; not to double down on insisting on the emotional fraughtness.