Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

11:07 here. It's attitude like yours that keep people in unhealthy relationships. From his posts, it sounds like OP has already 'caught' depression from his DW. Who is going to help him?

As someone who has lost immediate family members to suicide, it is outrageous that you imply OP's actions - or lack of action - may lead to his DW's suicide. If she chooses to end her life, that is on her, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

I'm sorry. Can you explain more about how OP's 'entitlement' is a problem? Just what is OP supposed to 'solve'? How will him losing weight end her depression? How will OP losing weight enable his DW to, again, be a partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

Ask literally any child who grew up with an abusive parent whether they were relieved to be away from the abuse even 50% of the time. My God, your dismissiveness of the harm OPs children are suffering is appalling.

OP's children are also learning about depression and a marriage under the stress of depression. This disease is often hereditary so tread carefully, OP. Your children may go through this themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

11:07 here. It's attitude like yours that keep people in unhealthy relationships. From his posts, it sounds like OP has already 'caught' depression from his DW. Who is going to help him?

As someone who has lost immediate family members to suicide, it is outrageous that you imply OP's actions - or lack of action - may lead to his DW's suicide. If she chooses to end her life, that is on her, not him.

You are projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

11:07 here. It's attitude like yours that keep people in unhealthy relationships. From his posts, it sounds like OP has already 'caught' depression from his DW. Who is going to help him?

As someone who has lost immediate family members to suicide, it is outrageous that you imply OP's actions - or lack of action - may lead to his DW's suicide. If she chooses to end her life, that is on her, not him.

You are projecting.

DP. No, she or he is not. It is in fact outrageous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sickness or in health OP. You don't get to abandon your kids because you don't like their mom anymore. Insist on therapy, counseling, meds. Don't be a selfish jerk and leave your kids with a depressed shell of a person. She will likely get at least 50%. Who is going to keep the house clean while your kids are living with a depressed person?

Having little kids is HARD. This stage will pass. If it's important to you to get out more, have more fun, then do it without her if you must. But don't leave your kids with that. OR talk to a lawyer and see if you can get full time custody. You of course do want full time custody, right?

This isn't about not liking her. This is about a fundamental problem. an Emergency. I take my kids basically every free minute on the weekends to spend time with them, do activiteis with them, and get htem out of the house. At what point is it her responsibility to seek help and follow through with help given/suggested to her? FOr how long do I stay, unhappy, stressed beyond belief, and putting on a happy face to the world, while I am breaking down inside from the pressure to keep us ALL afloat?

OP, can you contact her doctor and set up an urgent visit to get her meds changed? She might not be in any shape to help herself if her meds are making her like this. The medication change might make all the difference. If there is no positive change in a couple of months, help her get another doctor.

If you don't have a therapist for yourself, you need to get one. You need to support your own mental health during this crisis.

Also, do you or does she have any family and friends to lean on? To help watch the kids or pick up the house while you escape for a few hours or go to your own therapist? I have to admit I would crack under the pressure.

You can get through this, OP. Please post an update when you can and GL.

[Anonymous]

For people who say OP must change his wife's medication, how exactly do you suggest he does that? His wife is a grown adult; she hasn't been declared mentally incapable. If she refuses to go to the doctor and ask to change her meds, there's nothing he can do. She's a grown adult and she has agency over herself. He can ask but he can't make her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

I'm sorry. Can you explain more about how OP's 'entitlement' is a problem? Just what is OP supposed to 'solve'? How will him losing weight end her depression? How will OP losing weight enable his DW to, again, be a partner?

His attitude is the problem: he dismisses his wife's concerns in general (e.g. about his medical problems and she has also said that he doesn't really listen to her). How do you make anything better if you just ignore what your spouse says to you, especially if they are going through a tough time. It's about being heard and he is clearly not listening to his wife.

Also, if he's concerned and taking care of kids on the weekends, what happens during weekdays? Who is watching kids at that time and isn't he concerned during those times that the wife is taking care of the kids? This is what I mean when I say he's looking at this only through his lens and not looking at the situation to make it better. He needs to think rationally: divorcing isn't going to make the situation better for the family because of many reasons. He's just reacting emotionally and needs to take a step back to evaluate from a broader lens than his own narrow misery view point.

There's a short term solution and a long term. He's focused on the short term.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about not liking her. This is about a fundamental problem. an Emergency. I take my kids basically every free minute on the weekends to spend time with them, do activiteis with them, and get htem out of the house. At what point is it her responsibility to seek help and follow through with help given/suggested to her? FOr how long do I stay, unhappy, stressed beyond belief, and putting on a happy face to the world, while I am breaking down inside from the pressure to keep us ALL afloat?

OP, can you contact her doctor and set up an urgent visit to get her meds changed? She might not be in any shape to help herself if her meds are making her like this. The medication change might make all the difference. If there is no positive change in a couple of months, help her get another doctor.

If you don't have a therapist for yourself, you need to get one. You need to support your own mental health during this crisis.

Also, do you or does she have any family and friends to lean on? To help watch the kids or pick up the house while you escape for a few hours or go to your own therapist? I have to admit I would crack under the pressure.

You can get through this, OP. Please post an update when you can and GL.

This.

I grew up listening to my mom & dad arguing about whether, as my mom thought, she had the right to kill herself. My little brother was 10 when, after multiple attempts, she succeeded.

She had no medication and nobody in the family had any support. Please listen to the person I quoted.

[Anonymous]

In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

[Anonymous]

How will your kids' lives be improved? When she has them to take care of 50% of the time - without you - how will it be for them?

They are much more important that you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Can you explain more about how OP's 'entitlement' is a problem? Just what is OP supposed to 'solve'? How will him losing weight end her depression? How will OP losing weight enable his DW to, again, be a partner?


His attitude is the problem: he dismisses his wife's concerns in general (e.g. about his medical problems and she has also said that he doesn't really listen to her). How do you make anything better if you just ignore what your spouse says to you, especially if they are going through a tough time. It's about being heard and he is clearly not listening to his wife.

Also, if he's concerned and taking care of kids on the weekends, what happens during weekdays? Who is watching kids at that time and isn't he concerned during those times that the wife is taking care of the kids? This is what I mean when I say he's looking at this only through his lens and not looking at the situation to make it better. He needs to think rationally: divorcing isn't going to make the situation better for the family because of many reasons. He's just reacting emotionally and needs to take a step back to evaluate from a broader lens than his own narrow misery view point.

There's a short term solution and a long term. He's focused on the short term.

You must be conflating threads and you clearly haven't had to carry the load for 2 people any length of time. OP's kids are in daycare all day. His weight gain is a result of his medical condition but he hasn't said that the condition isn't well managed. It also has no impact on the health of his kids or his DW's depression.
Anything OP does, his DW criticizes. He's at his wits end.

You repeat platitudes and offer no no specifics, concrete actions. As someone who's been through what OP has, I can attest to my life and my kids' lives getting 100% better once we were no longer living with their chronically, refusing to seek treatment father. It was easier to do it all myself when I didn't have to also manage my spouse. I have no doubt OP's mental health and medical condition will improve when he's not having to carry so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How will your kids' lives be improved? When she has them to take care of 50% of the time - without you - how will it be for them?

They are much more important that you.

11:07 here. I can tell you that my kids are better, by far, since I divorced their father. He didn't take them 50% of the time after the first couple of months and even when he did have them, they were watching TV all the time. They, at least, had a healthy home life 50+% of time the which is more than what they had when we were living together.

Like the PP, you have no idea how unhealthy it is for those living with a chronically and majorly depressed person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Journal her behavior for the next 2 weeks. Send it to her doctor along with some highlights of concerns over the past few months.

Then, let her know that you see that her depression is not being managed adequately, and that it needs to be addressed with her doctor asap.

There is zero chance of getting her out and into a gym, without this step. Going to a gym is a long ways away. Think smaller, like taking a walk as a family.

Continue with the journal. If she will not make and keep an appointment with a doctor within a reasonable amount of time, then talk with her about a trial separation.

Op here. Can you communicate with your spouses dr? What about privacy?