Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ZachF wrote:BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.

I'm a woman, and I agree with this.

I’m another woman who agrees. As someone who struggles with mental illness, it is on me to make sure that I’m getting the appropriate treatment and I’m on the appropriate medication that allows me to be a functioning and productive member of my family. Of course is wonderful if OP is supportive but to suggest this is all on him is ludicrous. If you have a disease you work to get help.

+1

[Anonymous]

Journal her behavior for the next 2 weeks. Send it to her doctor along with some highlights of concerns over the past few months.

Then, let her know that you see that her depression is not being managed adequately, and that it needs to be addressed with her doctor asap.

There is zero chance of getting her out and into a gym, without this step. Going to a gym is a long ways away. Think smaller, like taking a walk as a family.

Continue with the journal. If she will not make and keep an appointment with a doctor within a reasonable amount of time, then talk with her about a trial separation.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been in your shoes and it’s complete hell. What I did was insist on marriage counseling, and then got the therapist to work with me to get my spouse into individual counseling and to a psychiatrist. It ultimately didn’t save the marriage, but I felt like I was doing my part to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Haven't read the other posts, but PLEASE:

1. Complete medical check-up is vital. These could be symptoms of hypothyroidism or other illnesses.

2. If it's depression, that is a mental illness which needs to be treated, just like a physical condition. She may need to try several medications, be followed closely by a psychiatrist AND do therapy sessions, followed-up by doctor-recommended exercise and nutrition, etc...

3. Husbands leave their wives over such things more rapidly than wives leave their husbands. Don't be that person until you've had a good many years of trying to turn it around medically, otherwise you're a loser.

+1000. Good advice all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cringe when she comes home from the store or any errands. Everything (myself included) is so much lighter when she's not in the house.

I thought she did nothing but sleep. How is she going to stores or doing errands?

HOW OLD ARE THE KIDS?

[Anonymous]

I am in your exact situation. Been going on a decade.

I found an AP that has helped keep me sane and keep the family together. I am not recommending it, because it has it's own drawbacks. My wife isn't capable of caring for the kids and I fear leaving them with her if we divorce. No answers, just know I feel for you. People have no clue how taxing this is unless you live it.

[Anonymous]

You say she is on medication however it is painfully obvious that it is not working for her.
Ask her to request either an add-on antidepressant or have her M.D. switch up her meds.
Sometimes there is much trial + error needed to find the correct regimen.

Patience is key here.
Your wife also needs a good therapist as well.
Someone she can talk to & share her feelings with.

If she is willing to do both of these things, then please try to be a little patient.

However considering all that you have already endured, you may have already reached your threshold w/her.

If that is the case, only you can decide if you want to leave her and began looking for happiness that YOU ultimately deserve.

Whatever the outcome, I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

Ask literally any child who grew up with an abusive parent whether they were relieved to be away from the abuse even 50% of the time. My God, your dismissiveness of the harm OPs children are suffering is appalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ZachF wrote:BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.

I'm a woman, and I agree with this.

I’m another woman who agrees. As someone who struggles with mental illness, it is on me to make sure that I’m getting the appropriate treatment and I’m on the appropriate medication that allows me to be a functioning and productive member of my family. Of course is wonderful if OP is supportive but to suggest this is all on him is ludicrous. If you have a disease you work to get help.

+1

I'm one of the PPs. This isn't that dissimilar to someone who is an alcoholic. Of course, OP should help the spouse whenever possible. That's what marriage is about, but at some point, you have to think about the kids and yourself. At some point, being around someone like this can be detrimental to the family. And sometimes, the ill person might find it easier to get better when they have some space.

OP - why not talk to a therapist about it.

[Anonymous]

The posts on this thread excoriating OP would be totally different if OP was a woman talking about her DH. The dual standard is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to lose my mind. SHe expressed interest in finding a new job. I send jobs, just now I showed her a few. Every single one- there was an excuse. Why that org is bad, why this wouldn't work, etc. Everything is an excuse. She criticizes my approach- says that networking is better than blindly applying. Yet she is doing neither. She asked if I could help her edit her networking list. I said sure! Let's pull it up now. We started to talk about it, now she doesn't want to deal with it because she will have to get out her laptop. There is food on the floor from the kids' breakfast. I cooked the breakfast, I fed the kids. ANd now I will sweep up the floor while she sulks and sits. This is my every day.

OP, respectfully, you are also in a cognitive rut. Your wife has a mental illness that is not adequately treated. EVERY suggestion like this you make will not work because she has a mental illness that is not adequately treated. Your only goals at this point should be 1) getting a therapist for yourself, because you can control that and 2) trying to get her back to a psychiatrist for a medication adjustment, even though you cannot make her go, and 3) encouraging her to go back to therapy, although you cannot make her go.

After you meet with your therapist, you can create other goals. Decide what you are able to live with, and what kind of ultimatums you will give your wife, and what steps you will take if she cannot meet them.

Right now all you are doing is spinning your wheels, thinking about how awful your situation is. It is awful. There is no easy fix. Ruminating about that is not going to help. Take steps for yourself, that is all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The posts on this thread excoriating OP would be totally different if OP was a woman talking about her DH. The dual standard is disgusting.

eh.. there are some folks who are more supportive of OP, including me, a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posts on this thread excoriating OP would be totally different if OP was a woman talking about her DH. The dual standard is disgusting.

eh.. there are some folks who are more supportive of OP, including me, a woman.

I agree, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of the posters criticizing OP would give different responses if the sexes were reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posts on this thread excoriating OP would be totally different if OP was a woman talking about her DH. The dual standard is disgusting.

eh.. there are some folks who are more supportive of OP, including me, a woman.

And if OP was a woman we would also be warning her that getting divorced and leaving kids alone 50% of the time with a non functional divorced spouse is not a good idea either. Try to get help first.