Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sickness or in health OP. You don't get to abandon your kids because you don't like their mom anymore. Insist on therapy, counseling, meds. Don't be a selfish jerk and leave your kids with a depressed shell of a person. She will likely get at least 50%. Who is going to keep the house clean while your kids are living with a depressed person?

Having little kids is HARD. This stage will pass. If it's important to you to get out more, have more fun, then do it without her if you must. But don't leave your kids with that. OR talk to a lawyer and see if you can get full time custody. You of course do want full time custody, right?

This isn't about not liking her. This is about a fundamental problem. an Emergency. I take my kids basically every free minute on the weekends to spend time with them, do activiteis with them, and get htem out of the house. At what point is it her responsibility to seek help and follow through with help given/suggested to her? FOr how long do I stay, unhappy, stressed beyond belief, and putting on a happy face to the world, while I am breaking down inside from the pressure to keep us ALL afloat?

[Anonymous]

That sounds so hard and sad and frustrating. I agree with PPs that she needs new meds and maybe a better doctor. ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Whoa my goodness -- I feel such compassion for you both. I think she needs a change of scenery. That sounds like a flip statement but I think that many women are overwhelmed by the mistake of having chosen a traditional family life. In the beginning of your marriage and in early motherhood did your wife carry her fair share or more of the housekeeping/financial burden? No one would ever like it to be said but the refuge into depression can sometimes be an attempt -- however unconscious -- to get the break necessary to recharge that society refuses to grant able-bodied women in their right minds who are told that their worth is equal to what they do for their families. I have known many women in this stage of life with 'walking' depressions who did not dare collapse because they had no stable; strong co-parent to pick up the slack. Are your kids truly suffering as a result of her detachment? This may be something you can bring up obliquely in order to motivate her to return to therapy. If she is already on medication then the physiological component of the illness is not necessarily the decisive one. If I were you I would probably ask myself how I needed this spouse. Is it the spouse's labor and role as a mother that is the tie or, in the event of a separation, would you genuinely feel the loss of the spirit that she is/was before depression overtook her? What do you require in a partner going forward? I would want to know the answers before moving forward. I am pretty sure that there is also a chance that separation will increase, rather than diminish, financial pressure you face. The fact is that you are the sole source of income and if she can be classified as medically unfit to work you may be required to continue to contribute toward her support. If she says you are not hearing her it may be useful to sit down and listen in a way that is nearly impossible -- without the filter of self-interest. Quite often DH feels that wishes I express contain imolicit criticism of him for failing to make me happy. We have had iterations of this 'discussion' when we both worked and had no kids, when I stayed at home with young kids, and after my return to work. What is it exactly that she wants you to do? Or refrain from doing? How can you know when you have succeeded? Where are the goal posts? If she says something like 'I want to be surprised' or 'I miss spontaneity' then you should probably call her female relatives or friends and ask them for clarity. Sometimes it is hard to say what you want to the person who is closest to you. I hope these thinking points are helpful to you and that your desperate situation improves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sickness or in health OP. You don't get to abandon your kids because you don't like their mom anymore. Insist on therapy, counseling, meds. Don't be a selfish jerk and leave your kids with a depressed shell of a person. She will likely get at least 50%. Who is going to keep the house clean while your kids are living with a depressed person?

Having little kids is HARD. This stage will pass. If it's important to you to get out more, have more fun, then do it without her if you must. But don't leave your kids with that. OR talk to a lawyer and see if you can get full time custody. You of course do want full time custody, right?

This isn't about not liking her. This is about a fundamental problem. an Emergency. I take my kids basically every free minute on the weekends to spend time with them, do activiteis with them, and get htem out of the house. At what point is it her responsibility to seek help and follow through with help given/suggested to her? FOr how long do I stay, unhappy, stressed beyond belief, and putting on a happy face to the world, while I am breaking down inside from the pressure to keep us ALL afloat?

DP — only you know when the time is right. You said she used to be the breadwinner. Did she dislike her job? Maybe she disliked it and now dislikes having kids — that could be depressing.

Do you or did you have goals for the future together past kids?

[Anonymous]

Well, you are going to be keeping a full house afloat when you divorce, minus any assistance she provides now (you think it's nothing, but it's something)

I'd look around, see if you can find her a really good therapist. Understand that it may not end happily. But give her 6 months of therapy to try to make some changes.

[Anonymous]

She should temporarily move out and figure out a way to get better on her own. Either she will, and she can return (if she still wants to), or she will get worse (because loneliness). Living alone will also help you to reevaluate whether that's better than living with a person who only carries 20% of load at home (as you said).

As other people said, she also needs different therapist/psychiatrist/meds, because current ones aren't working.

Meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt for you to see if you can get in better shape, for health reasons. (Don't go crazy with weight loss, because the pounds will often come back, but improving lifestyle and less stress could really help.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should temporarily move out and figure out a way to get better on her own. Either she will, and she can return (if she still wants to), or she will get worse (because loneliness). Living alone will also help you to reevaluate whether that's better than living with a person who only carries 20% of load at home (as you said).

As other people said, she also needs different therapist/psychiatrist/meds, because current ones aren't working.

Meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt for you to see if you can get in better shape, for health reasons. (Don't go crazy with weight loss, because the pounds will often come back, but improving lifestyle and less stress could really help.)

It is also possible that something you're doing (perhaps your seething resentment) are preventing her from getting better. So that's another reason for a temporary separation. It's for you both to reset. You may feel happier if at some point she returns to you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry things are like this and so rough. You know this already, but you can only do so much to help someone with their own mental health issues.

If you haven't already (I've not read the entire thread), it might not be a bad idea to seek your own counseling.

[Anonymous]

OP can you honestly look yourself in the eye and say you did EVERYTHING possible to help her get help, get better, and keep your children's family intact? That's the point at which you can wash your hands of her.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

I've been where you are, OP. It sucks. You need to triage while still moving forward on good health for both of you.

1. Continue with relationship counselling so you both better understand what uncontrolled depression is doing to your relationship
-identify concrete steps you both need to take improve your mental health and relationship
-agree to a timeline for the steps to be completed
-these steps should include you both seeing her prescribing psychiatrist to adjust medication. You need to provide imput into the symptoms you see
2. Do a check on your own mental health. Depression is 'contagious'.
3. You may want to see an individual counselor to help you work through what this is doing to you, including figuring out what you're going to do if/when she doesn't comply with the steps in #1
4. Start getting your own financial house in order in the event you separate. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

While depression is a legitimate health issue and may explain behavior/challenges, it cannot be used as an excuse. Your DW does have choices. If she does not choose to seek treatment, your life and your relationship will not get any better. At some point, you will likely develop depression. It's also not a healthy environment for kids. That was the issue for me. When I realized that my own health was negatively impacted by living with XDH and that our kids were better off, I left. Despite my best efforts (making appointments for him, being ready to drive him to the appts, etc.), he chose not to take the helping hands that were offered to him. People can spew all they want about him not being 'able' to take those hands. Doesn't matter. The marriage vows I took don't require me to jeopardize my own well being by staying in the marriage. I have a responsibility to myself and to our kids. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.

Yep, it's all your fault OP. Thanks for the medical diagnosis, doc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sickness or in health OP. You don't get to abandon your kids because you don't like their mom anymore. Insist on therapy, counseling, meds. Don't be a selfish jerk and leave your kids with a depressed shell of a person. She will likely get at least 50%. Who is going to keep the house clean while your kids are living with a depressed person?

Having little kids is HARD. This stage will pass. If it's important to you to get out more, have more fun, then do it without her if you must. But don't leave your kids with that. OR talk to a lawyer and see if you can get full time custody. You of course do want full time custody, right?

This isn't about not liking her. This is about a fundamental problem. an Emergency. I take my kids basically every free minute on the weekends to spend time with them, do activiteis with them, and get htem out of the house. At what point is it her responsibility to seek help and follow through with help given/suggested to her? FOr how long do I stay, unhappy, stressed beyond belief, and putting on a happy face to the world, while I am breaking down inside from the pressure to keep us ALL afloat?

I think it's time for a sit down with her and lay it on the line: you can't continue this way; she needs to go back to her doctor and see about adjusting meds; she sounds like she's in a really deep depression. Yes, it's an illness, but I don't think you're required to wallow in it with her. If she won't go back to her doctor and discuss meds, then I think your within your rights to separate until she will.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion is to find an individual therapist for yourself and if you can afford it, outsource some of the chores so you can lighten at least that burden. Hopefully the therapist can help you figure out next steps re: the marriage. Good luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

I cringe when she comes home from the store or any errands. Everything (myself included) is so much lighter when she's not in the house.