Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

I am not entitled. It’s not false equivalency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to lose my mind. SHe expressed interest in finding a new job. I send jobs, just now I showed her a few. Every single one- there was an excuse. Why that org is bad, why this wouldn't work, etc. Everything is an excuse. She criticizes my approach- says that networking is better than blindly applying. Yet she is doing neither. She asked if I could help her edit her networking list. I said sure! Let's pull it up now. We started to talk about it, now she doesn't want to deal with it because she will have to get out her laptop. There is food on the floor from the kids' breakfast. I cooked the breakfast, I fed the kids. ANd now I will sweep up the floor while she sulks and sits. This is my every day.

OP, respectfully, you are also in a cognitive rut. Your wife has a mental illness that is not adequately treated. EVERY suggestion like this you make will not work because she has a mental illness that is not adequately treated. Your only goals at this point should be 1) getting a therapist for yourself, because you can control that and 2) trying to get her back to a psychiatrist for a medication adjustment, even though you cannot make her go, and 3) encouraging her to go back to therapy, although you cannot make her go.

After you meet with your therapist, you can create other goals. Decide what you are able to live with, and what kind of ultimatums you will give your wife, and what steps you will take if she cannot meet them.

Right now all you are doing is spinning your wheels, thinking about how awful your situation is. It is awful. There is no easy fix. Ruminating about that is not going to help. Take steps for yourself, that is all you can do.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.

Him not solving this isn't going to get better for the kids. They will be with the mom 1/2 the time.
It's false equivalency: it's about his entitlement that his issues aren't a problem but her issues are. It's the mindset.

I'm sorry. Can you explain more about how OP's 'entitlement' is a problem? Just what is OP supposed to 'solve'? How will him losing weight end her depression? How will OP losing weight enable his DW to, again, be a partner?

His attitude is the problem: he dismisses his wife's concerns in general (e.g. about his medical problems and she has also said that he doesn't really listen to her). How do you make anything better if you just ignore what your spouse says to you, especially if they are going through a tough time. It's about being heard and he is clearly not listening to his wife.

Also, if he's concerned and taking care of kids on the weekends, what happens during weekdays? Who is watching kids at that time and isn't he concerned during those times that the wife is taking care of the kids? This is what I mean when I say he's looking at this only through his lens and not looking at the situation to make it better. He needs to think rationally: divorcing isn't going to make the situation better for the family because of many reasons. He's just reacting emotionally and needs to take a step back to evaluate from a broader lens than his own narrow misery view point.

There's a short term solution and a long term. He's focused on the short term.

Kids are in daycare. My attitude isn’t the problem. I don’t dismiss her concerns. It’s hard to focus on long term when the short term is crisis

[Anonymous]

Your future: Best case, you pay child support, alimony, health care and extras for the kids and get them 50% of the time. Worst case, she's a SAHM so you get every other weekend and a few weeks a year plus above. And, a huge divorce attorney bill for you and your wife as you will probably be court ordered to pay for hers. Is that what you really want for your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

You have missed the point. Both spouses are responsible. This is not a one-sided problem. We are hearing OP’s side. I guarantee you his wife has a lot to say as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your future: Best case, you pay child support, alimony, health care and extras for the kids and get them 50% of the time. Worst case, she's a SAHM so you get every other weekend and a few weeks a year plus above. And, a huge divorce attorney bill for you and your wife as you will probably be court ordered to pay for hers. Is that what you really want for your kids?

Actually if he documents her illness, he has a reasonable chance of getting full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

You have missed the point. Both spouses are responsible. This is not a one-sided problem. We are hearing OP’s side. I guarantee you his wife has a lot to say as well.

You're saying OP caused his wife's depression and made her not clean up food from the floor all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Journal her behavior for the next 2 weeks. Send it to her doctor along with some highlights of concerns over the past few months.

Then, let her know that you see that her depression is not being managed adequately, and that it needs to be addressed with her doctor asap.

There is zero chance of getting her out and into a gym, without this step. Going to a gym is a long ways away. Think smaller, like taking a walk as a family.

Continue with the journal. If she will not make and keep an appointment with a doctor within a reasonable amount of time, then talk with her about a trial separation.

Op here. Can you communicate with your spouses dr? What about privacy?

They can't tell you anything or discuss anything about her with you. You can share information with them that may be helpful in her treatment. Be as factual as you can with the information you provide. It may lead to the correct medication that will work for her. There can be a huge fear in switching medications. Living with where you are at and with the side effects you know, often seems better than the unknown. The idea of having to try out - adjust to and possibly wean off multiple types can be terrifying. She may not be willing to try.

[Anonymous]

When did this start? How old are the kids? Does it stem from losing her job? How old is the child in daycare? Could it be unresolved PPD? Has she had a checkup? Could it be her thyroid?

I get that the whole situation is awful, but this level of depression usually has a trigger. Do you have a sense as to her issues? Did anything come up in couples therapy? I’m definitely reaching here, but is there any chance she has a history of being abused? Maybe having children is triggering a memory there? Are her parents still alive? If so, what is her relationship with them like? Any siblings? Best friends that she confides in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your future: Best case, you pay child support, alimony, health care and extras for the kids and get them 50% of the time. Worst case, she's a SAHM so you get every other weekend and a few weeks a year plus above. And, a huge divorce attorney bill for you and your wife as you will probably be court ordered to pay for hers. Is that what you really want for your kids?

That's a lot better for his kids than the current situation.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all of this but I think the best advice has been for OP to work with a therapist, see if he can locate a support group through an organization like NAMI for family members of people with mental illness. In terms of doing something to get some movement towards better care for her depression, OP should see if he can accompany her on a visit to her PCP or, ideally, psychiatrist.

OP, the reason for you to seek the help of a therapist yourself is because right now you're focused on wanting out, which means you can't be a good partner for her to step up efforts to treat her illness. Plus, you need some help from experts to learn how to be an effective support. I think you owe it to her, your kids, and yourself, to commit to that effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your future: Best case, you pay child support, alimony, health care and extras for the kids and get them 50% of the time. Worst case, she's a SAHM so you get every other weekend and a few weeks a year plus above. And, a huge divorce attorney bill for you and your wife as you will probably be court ordered to pay for hers. Is that what you really want for your kids?

Actually if he documents her illness, he has a reasonable chance of getting full custody.

More terrible advice. If he convinces a judge that she has a debilitating mental illness, can't hold down a job, etc and now he is divorcing her he could get stuck paying her spousal support and health insurance for a long time while she will still likely get 50% custody. Seriously OP, get your legal advice from actual family practice experts. Not these random posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to encourage her to get help, to stay active, to be active, helpf her find a new job, and so forth and so on.

Everything is miserable, everything is doom and gloom, no motivation,

We have 2 young kids, I don't want ot do this anymore. My formerly vibrant, engaged, alive, spouse is a dead shell of a person. A financial, emotional drain and burden. I do not say these things lightly; as I am aware of the weight they carry.

I am blamed for so much. It is everyone else's fault (mine primarily) as to why she is not doing well. She does not have support, encouragement, things to look forward to etc----and this is partly why she says she is depressed. I do not think that it is up to other people to manage your feelings and actions. If you do not work to find that drive within you, you will always be searching for it, and blaming everyone else along the way.

If i try to Help her by seeking out an activity to do together, she says that I am not hearing her, and missing the point. That an activity isnt going to help what she is feeling. Nothing is helpful, nothing is right, nothing is positive. I cannot continue on in this way.

She has become critical of my looks, and the weight gain I have experienced in recent years due to a medical condition. While I agree about getting healthier, I am resentful of her focus on critcizing me, when she is currently a completely dysfunctional person, adding basically nothing to our household for the last 18 months. No steady work, no picking up slack at home, etc.

I do not enjoy being around her anymore. When she is not blaming me for various things wrong in her life, she is staring into space, or sleeping. INvovlment with the children is minimal. Keeping up with the house is minimal. I am carrying the family and would rather do so alone, rather than with this negative, sick, angry, sad person occupying space here. I repeat- I do not say these things lightly. This has been a long road and I am simply tired.

Is there a family member on her side that you are close enough to discuss this issue? Eg a sister? Her family must be as concerned as you are, or would be if they knew. It sounds like you need support yourself to get her the right medical attention.

I also think you might be depressed and suggest you get assessed yourself.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm sorry this sounds hard to deal with.

I would organise a cleaner to come and clean the house weekly. I would organise a new appointment with the doctor and consider changing her medication.

I would stop with all the suggestion of activities. I would tell your wife that you understand she is going through a dark time, that you are there for her, tell her she needs to help herself as you can't do it for her. Ask her what she needs.

I would try to get her outside, even out the back yard or a walk around the block once a day. Do this with her, you don't need to talk just be there. Something small, 15 minutes, to feel the sun, fresh air etc.

I would get the kids out of the house for activities and let her sleep and rest.

I would give it a time frame for how long you are comfortable going with this for. I would then make plans to separate. After another 6 months or a year if she can't drag herself to the doctor or to therapy then yes at some point you need to consider the life you want to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.

Uh huh. If the roles were reversed the advice would be to divorce his sorry ass. He needs to get his act together, etc, etc.

OP, my son is chronically depressed. It has taken years yo get him on medication. He had to realize it himself.

I don't know what you can do.