Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying living with someone who messes up everything 24/7 because they are incapable of caring. Don’t care ABOUT not know HOW to care for the time, the family schedule, the directions, the forms, you, your kids, goals, the house, having friends. Just themselves.

The day she stops screaming and trying to fix the constant mistakes, she has either gone insane herself or is plotting your imminent exit.

At least the kids are alive. She did well considering what she had to protect them from.

If she doesn't work, filling out forms is her problem. Kids are no longer in her arms. She has tons of time to do this.

Great entitled attitude from a “life partner” who contributes nothing but a paycheck and mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

Let me get this straight.

You work 12 hours a day, during which time your wife ran the entire household and raised multiple kids herself. Now the kids are gone and you gaffe around the house making messes and ordering her to do your stuff.

You also got a mental diagnosis- hope it was a neuropsych to get to the root of the issue not surface issues, and are on meds.

And you come on DCUM and b1tch while working your 12 hour day.
Hmmm

It's not a super big deal to run a household with only two kids very comfortably spaced out. If that tires you out so, maybe get a job. I don't get these lamentations of women who don't work and have only one or two children to care for. If you don't work then yes, most of the household is on you.

Another example of misogyny and entitlement attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying living with someone who messes up everything 24/7 because they are incapable of caring. Don’t care ABOUT not know HOW to care for the time, the family schedule, the directions, the forms, you, your kids, goals, the house, having friends. Just themselves.

The day she stops screaming and trying to fix the constant mistakes, she has either gone insane herself or is plotting your imminent exit.

At least the kids are alive. She did well considering what she had to protect them from.

If she doesn't work, filling out forms is her problem. Kids are no longer in her arms. She has tons of time to do this.

Great entitled attitude from a “life partner” who contributes nothing but a paycheck and mess.

If a woman posted here that her husband screamed at her for twenty minutes for filing out a form wrong, you'd all tell her he's abusive and she needs to leave.

Contributing a paycheck is a big deal - maybe the lady should try it. Alternatively, she should try some gratitude instead of taking someone else bankrolling her life for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

Let me get this straight.

You work 12 hours a day, during which time your wife ran the entire household and raised multiple kids herself. Now the kids are gone and you gaffe around the house making messes and ordering her to do your stuff.

You also got a mental diagnosis- hope it was a neuropsych to get to the root of the issue not surface issues, and are on meds.

And you come on DCUM and b1tch while working your 12 hour day.
Hmmm

It's not a super big deal to run a household with only two kids very comfortably spaced out. If that tires you out so, maybe get a job. I don't get these lamentations of women who don't work and have only one or two children to care for. If you don't work then yes, most of the household is on you.

Another example of misogyny and entitlement attitude.

You are weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying living with someone who messes up everything 24/7 because they are incapable of caring. Don’t care ABOUT not know HOW to care for the time, the family schedule, the directions, the forms, you, your kids, goals, the house, having friends. Just themselves.

The day she stops screaming and trying to fix the constant mistakes, she has either gone insane herself or is plotting your imminent exit.

At least the kids are alive. She did well considering what she had to protect them from.

If she doesn't work, filling out forms is her problem. Kids are no longer in her arms. She has tons of time to do this.

Great entitled attitude from a “life partner” who contributes nothing but a paycheck and mess.

If a woman posted here that her husband screamed at her for twenty minutes for filing out a form wrong, you'd all tell her he's abusive and she needs to leave.

Contributing a paycheck is a big deal - maybe the lady should try it. Alternatively, she should try some gratitude instead of taking someone else bankrolling her life for granted.

And folks, he came back to double down on his bloated sense of entitlement!

Hilarious. And so sad. Zero self awareness on display for all to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

Let me get this straight.

You work 12 hours a day, during which time your wife ran the entire household and raised multiple kids herself. Now the kids are gone and you gaffe around the house making messes and ordering her to do your stuff.

You also got a mental diagnosis- hope it was a neuropsych to get to the root of the issue not surface issues, and are on meds.

And you come on DCUM and b1tch while working your 12 hour day.
Hmmm

It's not a super big deal to run a household with only two kids very comfortably spaced out. If that tires you out so, maybe get a job. I don't get these lamentations of women who don't work and have only one or two children to care for. If you don't work then yes, most of the household is on you.

Another example of misogyny and entitlement attitude.

You are weak.

He just cannot stop his petty attempts at insults. Poor dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying living with someone who messes up everything 24/7 because they are incapable of caring. Don’t care ABOUT not know HOW to care for the time, the family schedule, the directions, the forms, you, your kids, goals, the house, having friends. Just themselves.

The day she stops screaming and trying to fix the constant mistakes, she has either gone insane herself or is plotting your imminent exit.

At least the kids are alive. She did well considering what she had to protect them from.

If she doesn't work, filling out forms is her problem. Kids are no longer in her arms. She has tons of time to do this.

Great entitled attitude from a “life partner” who contributes nothing but a paycheck and mess.

If a woman posted here that her husband screamed at her for twenty minutes for filing out a form wrong, you'd all tell her he's abusive and she needs to leave.

Contributing a paycheck is a big deal - maybe the lady should try it. Alternatively, she should try some gratitude instead of taking someone else bankrolling her life for granted.

And folks, he came back to double down on his bloated sense of entitlement!

Hilarious. And so sad. Zero self awareness on display for all to see.

I'm a woman actually and I'm marveling at your sense of entitlement to someone else's money.

[Anonymous]

Ahh, the poseur route now! op must think we’re all as thick as he is.

Entitled misogynist pretending that a married woman with kids views a life partner’s paycheque as the only thing to be contributes by a husband and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell who is more mentally out of it: OP or the spouse.

Would need to unpeel that onion w a skilled therapist. Or go honest observer.

I was thinking the same. OP is sounds like you have your own issues unrelated to your spouse. You could use your own therapist. Of course your wife need more/different medical help than what she is getting. But she isn’t violent or abusive emotionally or physically with herself, you, or the kids...just disinterested. It sounds like your main peeve is you have to do all the household work and child related care when they aren’t in day care. That is what single parents do too. Calling this a crisis and carrying on like the world is ending is a bit much.

It sounds like you want to leave her and are trying (hard) to justify why to yourself and the rest of the world and I’m not sure it is entirely related to her depression.

You are incorrect. It's much easier doing this as a single parent than when living with a depressed spouse. I know. I did it. When there are no other adults in the household, it's far, far easier to control your environment. You don't have to work around anyone else and you certainly don't have to take on the emotional burden of maintaining a facade for the sake of the kids. That's hard to maintain over the long run and a soul sucking experience. My life got 100% easier after my XDH and I separated and he wasn't violent or abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to encourage her to get help, to stay active, to be active, helpf her find a new job, and so forth and so on.

Everything is miserable, everything is doom and gloom, no motivation,

We have 2 young kids, I don't want ot do this anymore. My formerly vibrant, engaged, alive, spouse is a dead shell of a person. A financial, emotional drain and burden. I do not say these things lightly; as I am aware of the weight they carry.

I am blamed for so much. It is everyone else's fault (mine primarily) as to why she is not doing well. She does not have support, encouragement, things to look forward to etc----and this is partly why she says she is depressed. I do not think that it is up to other people to manage your feelings and actions. If you do not work to find that drive within you, you will always be searching for it, and blaming everyone else along the way.

If i try to Help her by seeking out an activity to do together, she says that I am not hearing her, and missing the point. That an activity isnt going to help what she is feeling. Nothing is helpful, nothing is right, nothing is positive. I cannot continue on in this way.

She has become critical of my looks, and the weight gain I have experienced in recent years due to a medical condition. While I agree about getting healthier, I am resentful of her focus on critcizing me, when she is currently a completely dysfunctional person, adding basically nothing to our household for the last 18 months. No steady work, no picking up slack at home, etc.

I do not enjoy being around her anymore. When she is not blaming me for various things wrong in her life, she is staring into space, or sleeping. INvovlment with the children is minimal. Keeping up with the house is minimal. I am carrying the family and would rather do so alone, rather than with this negative, sick, angry, sad person occupying space here. I repeat- I do not say these things lightly. This has been a long road and I am simply tired.

So you don’t encourage or support here because you believe that is up to individuals to do for themselves?

Is your medical condition a mental health or neuro one?

Is this her passive aggressive way of getting you to divorce her? Or vice versa?

[Anonymous]

No one wants to be depressed, it’s an illness and one of the symptoms is apathy. If she had cancer would you leave then too? Maybe you would- some people do- it’s not that different.

Finding effective treatment can be difficult- I tried 4 different meds, CBT, etc and then found a Dr who found the right medication at the right dose (a lot of drs prescribe medication at the lowest strength, and there’s no real impact). Even then it wasn’t an instant change but over a few months it’s like a 180. So you have my sympathy because I know it’s tough to live with someone who’s depressed- but I doubt a divorce will make life easier. If anything you’ll take on even more. I would try harder to get her effective treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should temporarily move out and figure out a way to get better on her own. Either she will, and she can return (if she still wants to), or she will get worse (because loneliness). Living alone will also help you to reevaluate whether that's better than living with a person who only carries 20% of load at home (as you said).

As other people said, she also needs different therapist/psychiatrist/meds, because current ones aren't working.

Meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt for you to see if you can get in better shape, for health reasons. (Don't go crazy with weight loss, because the pounds will often come back, but improving lifestyle and less stress could really help.)

Right- because illnesses are really about deciding to get better or not. Who knew? All those people getting treated for diseases could have decided they’d be better and they would have been.

I do think it might help to get away from each other. Maybe the marriage is contributing to her depression?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to address any of her complaints about you OP?

You May be in more denial than you are letting on.

You say in one posting that you are doing all of the work but in another that the house is in shambles... which one is it?

Best way to convince another person to be better is to do better yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying living with someone who messes up everything 24/7 because they are incapable of caring. Don’t care ABOUT not know HOW to care for the time, the family schedule, the directions, the forms, you, your kids, goals, the house, having friends. Just themselves.

The day she stops screaming and trying to fix the constant mistakes, she has either gone insane herself or is plotting your imminent exit.

At least the kids are alive. She did well considering what she had to protect them from.

If she doesn't work, filling out forms is her problem. Kids are no longer in her arms. She has tons of time to do this.

Great entitled attitude from a “life partner” who contributes nothing but a paycheck and mess.

That sentence right there is why every man thinking about getting married should read this forum for a week.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Selfish men should not get married nor have kids.