Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have also suffered from depression and I wish my husband had just literally said to me: I've made an appointment. It'w on Thursday at 3. I am coming home from work to take you to the appointment.
And not given me an out.
I went eventually but would have gone sooner if he made me go.
For the lady upthread who describes crippling anxiety, I know that I found living in a very competitive part of Northern Virginia, with very competitive moms and the whole school vibe, etc. very anxiety-provoking. I grew up lower middle class and never fit in in our NoVA suburb, never got over being intimidated by the mean moms, etc. My anxiety lifted significantly once we moved to a farther out suburb with a more relaxed vibe. I feel like my kids relaxed too. Maybe not for everybody, but I wonder if the dad who started this thread has thought about that and would consider moving to somewhere less stressful. Not everybody is meant to be a high powered big city person.

Excellent advice all around from this pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a duck.
You need to step up and parent as well as support her. You have no idea what's it like to bear child raising responsibilities when your spouse has no empathy.

OP knows exactly what it's like since the kids are in daycare full time and he's doing everything at home and for them.

[Anonymous]

I can tell who is more mentally out of it: OP or the spouse.

Would need to unpeel that onion w a skilled therapist. Or go honest observer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP , nowhere in your long, long post is any acknowledgment or appreciation of what your husband and kids are going through. They are just there to suck it up and make things better for you. Who is making things better for them? Your husband has to carry the financial burden 100% himself PLUS pay for the housekeeper but all you talk about is how it helps you, not what it does to him and to the long-term financial health of the family. You are talking to your husband about how you're feeling today, but have you shamed him into not ever talking about how HE is? Is the vibe in your home such that he is only allowed to talk about how to help you, not what this does to him? That's what you're doing. You're shaming OP into shutting up, as if he's not the real person, only his wife is.

Amen! I've been the functioning spouse in this kind of relationship and developed depression as a result. DH and I are still married but, like the PP, he doesn't know/ignores the price it exacted from me. People with mental illness aren't the only sufferers.

Why do you assume that I don’t feel awful about how things are? I expressed the shame and embarrassment for being the reason things are this way. If OP’s wife had cancer would you say she should do what you are asking op’s wife and I to do? I worked for 25 years and outearned my husband, I receive a hefty monthly long term disability based on my leaving salary from my employers who also pay the whole family’s health insurance and still contribute to my pension both what I contributed and what whey contributed when I worked so he is absolutely not bearing the financial burden alone. I am also retraining so that I can start to contribute more to the family.
Because we have this help, towards with I absolutely do contribute, I can now be more present and happier with the kids and my husband, I can go out sometimes because I can prepare myself mentally, because I’m am not a crumbling heap of anxiety on the floor of my bedroom panicking about how I’ll get through the rest of the day. Thankfully, though reluctantly, by husband sees this as the way forward that will keep the family unit as a whole and our 4 kids happier and on more of an even keel.
I was giving the perspective of the other side. OP has to decide if it’s worth it for him to keep the family together. I went through hell with public shaming from my husband. With him telling friends about how awful I’d become. I paid a very high price in my dignity for having an illness I can not control.
OP can shout from the rooftops for all I care but what would that achieve? He could be bitter and angry, just like my husband was and make the whole family miserable or he could acknowledge that what his wife is going through is out of her control and they could seek the help she needs together.
Of course OP could also walk away and pretend that he did all he could. It is his choice.

DP. There is a difference between you "feeling awful" and having true empathy. You don't seem to have any, in a way that is striking. Maybe it is your illness, I don't know. Narcissism does come with mental illness sometimes, but I obviously don't know your situation. However, just as a reader, I have been struck in both of your posts about how little empathy you seem to have for your spouse or children. That other PP wasn't the only one who noticed.

The cancer analogy is not the right analogy for mental illness, because in cancer, the supporting spouse isn't at risk of catching the disease himself. Severe mental illness is more like ebola, avian flu, or something serious and contagious. It's not the fault of the person who got it, but it's also high-risk to the people around the sufferer. If you had a spouse with ebola, you would do what you could to support that spouse, but you would also protect yourself and your kids. This is what you don't seem to understand or have empathy for. You don't seem to empathize with your spouse's suffering. You are angry that he talked with people about your behavior to him that harmed him, trying to to shut it down as "shaming." Why should he be cut off from a support network because you don't like the fact that people learn about harm your illness caused him? That's a remarkably, shockingly narcissistic point of view.

Alcoholism is a good analogy: they don’t think they have a problem. Yet they do, and it’s serious.
Especially for someone with aDD or ASD, who lack empathy or emotional support capabilities or self awareness or knowing what the socially acceptable thing to do is.

[Anonymous]

I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

Let me get this straight.

You work 12 hours a day, during which time your wife ran the entire household and raised multiple kids herself. Now the kids are gone and you gaffe around the house making messes and ordering her to do your stuff.

You also got a mental diagnosis- hope it was a neuropsych to get to the root of the issue not surface issues, and are on meds.

And you come on DCUM and b1tch while working your 12 hour day.
Hmmm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

Do you have any responsibilities other than your day job?

I’d guess HFA for you. So clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

Do you have any responsibilities other than your day job?

I’d guess HFA for you. So clueless.

DP. And I'd guess a miserable bitch for you. What part of his wife's daily screaming fits do you not understand?

[Anonymous]

Trying living with someone who messes up everything 24/7 because they are incapable of caring. Don’t care ABOUT not know HOW to care for the time, the family schedule, the directions, the forms, you, your kids, goals, the house, having friends. Just themselves.

The day she stops screaming and trying to fix the constant mistakes, she has either gone insane herself or is plotting your imminent exit.



At least the kids are alive. She did well considering what she had to protect them from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying living with someone who messes up everything 24/7 because they are incapable of caring. Don’t care ABOUT not know HOW to care for the time, the family schedule, the directions, the forms, you, your kids, goals, the house, having friends. Just themselves.

The day she stops screaming and trying to fix the constant mistakes, she has either gone insane herself or is plotting your imminent exit.

At least the kids are alive. She did well considering what she had to protect them from.

If she doesn't work, filling out forms is her problem. Kids are no longer in her arms. She has tons of time to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse going through this. The kids no longer need her help much as 13-19. She does not work. Which is fine.

But trouble is we all walk in tip toes. One form filled out wrong, car problem, insurance issue she becomes very upset.

Screaming, yelling cursing and goes on 20 minutes then back to normal. Happens at least twice a day.

It is exhausting. Stuff as simple as my CD matured and need to roll it over or a college trip becomes telling fests. So we stop telling her stuff then if she finds out then yelling

Also a complainer. About car, house, schools to everyone. My favorite if folks complain to her she complains about that.

She put me on meds a few years ago as I could not handle stress of coming home from a 12 hour workday to a house in disarrey and yelling all the time.

Also exhausting as I never sit down. Get cup, put dog out, removed cob web. She is OCD so she keeps looking for things and as soon as enter room it starts

Also never lets anything go. Make a mistake and it comes back weekly for life.

Not fun dealing with theses people.

Let me get this straight.

You work 12 hours a day, during which time your wife ran the entire household and raised multiple kids herself. Now the kids are gone and you gaffe around the house making messes and ordering her to do your stuff.

You also got a mental diagnosis- hope it was a neuropsych to get to the root of the issue not surface issues, and are on meds.

And you come on DCUM and b1tch while working your 12 hour day.
Hmmm

It's not a super big deal to run a household with only two kids very comfortably spaced out. If that tires you out so, maybe get a job. I don't get these lamentations of women who don't work and have only one or two children to care for. If you don't work then yes, most of the household is on you.

[Anonymous]

Op, it really sucks for everyone right now. But if I understand it, this is a change from the past and has been going on for 18 months.with young kids you owe it to them to try to get an intervention. You can tell your wife that things are intense as us but you are going to try everything you can to get her help. She needs to be in board. Get her j to psych, evaluation for POD , she may need intensive and even short term inpatient treatment. Don't give up yet. Also, call in help, get family, friends, yours. Surely this has been evident to others.

[Anonymous]

Sorry..things are *untenable*

Eval for PPD, which can manifest at different times but presents like this

I'm sorry you are going through this and dealing with what feels like an uncaring and unpleasant personality, but there hope.

[Anonymous]

I do not think that it is up to other people to manage your feelings and actions. If you do not work to find that drive within you, you will always be searching for it, and blaming everyone else along the way.

I mean this kindly but you don't really understand that this is impossible with depression. In fact the inability to "find that drive" is kind of textbook. Rather than taking it personally, accept that she is, right now, mentally ill and do your best to get her in serious treato. You can be honest with her about the impact of her depression in you and the family, but helping her by telling her to buck up or find a new activity only makes it worse. Instead, you say I realize you are in deep crisis and it's impacting all of us and I hate to see you do deeply unhappy and lost. I am going to work with you to deal with your crippling depression but I also need you to acknowledge that you, and we, need this help. I imagine it's overwhelming, because that's the effect of depression, so I've made an appt with X psychiatrist for an evaluation and we will go from there .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can tell who is more mentally out of it: OP or the spouse.

Would need to unpeel that onion w a skilled therapist. Or go honest observer.

I was thinking the same. OP is sounds like you have your own issues unrelated to your spouse. You could use your own therapist. Of course your wife need more/different medical help than what she is getting. But she isn’t violent or abusive emotionally or physically with herself, you, or the kids...just disinterested. It sounds like your main peeve is you have to do all the household work and child related care when they aren’t in day care. That is what single parents do too. Calling this a crisis and carrying on like the world is ending is a bit much.

It sounds like you want to leave her and are trying (hard) to justify why to yourself and the rest of the world and I’m not sure it is entirely related to her depression.