Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

I try to encourage her to get help, to stay active, to be active, helpf her find a new job, and so forth and so on.

Everything is miserable, everything is doom and gloom, no motivation,

We have 2 young kids, I don't want ot do this anymore. My formerly vibrant, engaged, alive, spouse is a dead shell of a person. A financial, emotional drain and burden. I do not say these things lightly; as I am aware of the weight they carry.

I am blamed for so much. It is everyone else's fault (mine primarily) as to why she is not doing well. She does not have support, encouragement, things to look forward to etc----and this is partly why she says she is depressed. I do not think that it is up to other people to manage your feelings and actions. If you do not work to find that drive within you, you will always be searching for it, and blaming everyone else along the way.

If i try to Help her by seeking out an activity to do together, she says that I am not hearing her, and missing the point. That an activity isnt going to help what she is feeling. Nothing is helpful, nothing is right, nothing is positive. I cannot continue on in this way.

She has become critical of my looks, and the weight gain I have experienced in recent years due to a medical condition. While I agree about getting healthier, I am resentful of her focus on critcizing me, when she is currently a completely dysfunctional person, adding basically nothing to our household for the last 18 months. No steady work, no picking up slack at home, etc.

I do not enjoy being around her anymore. When she is not blaming me for various things wrong in her life, she is staring into space, or sleeping. INvovlment with the children is minimal. Keeping up with the house is minimal. I am carrying the family and would rather do so alone, rather than with this negative, sick, angry, sad person occupying space here. I repeat- I do not say these things lightly. This has been a long road and I am simply tired.

[Anonymous]

That's awful. If she is not willing to seek therapy, I don't know what else you can do. Maybe a separation is in order. Is that financially possible?

[Anonymous]

Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

I have helped her find therapists. WE have gone to therapy together but not recently. SHe is on medication.

[Anonymous]

If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

I have helped her find therapists. WE have gone to therapy together but not recently. SHe is on medication.

Then she needs a new medication. What you describe is untreated depression. Her medication isn’t working well for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

I have helped her find therapists. WE have gone to therapy together but not recently. SHe is on medication.

Then she needs a new medication. What you describe is untreated depression. Her medication isn’t working well for her.

+10000. SSRI’s can create the zombie effect you describe. Get her back to A NEW DR before doing anything else.

[Anonymous]

Sickness or in health OP. You don't get to abandon your kids because you don't like their mom anymore. Insist on therapy, counseling, meds. Don't be a selfish jerk and leave your kids with a depressed shell of a person. She will likely get at least 50%. Who is going to keep the house clean while your kids are living with a depressed person?

Having little kids is HARD. This stage will pass. If it's important to you to get out more, have more fun, then do it without her if you must. But don't leave your kids with that. OR talk to a lawyer and see if you can get full time custody. You of course do want full time custody, right?

[Anonymous]

Op, I hear you, but I also see signs in your posts that you aren’t being very empathetic towards her. You have young kids. That’s tough. Is she getting enough sleep? Does she work outside the home? What are her home duties vs yours? If she was once happy and vibrant, she can probably be that way again. Sit down and ask her what you can do to make things better or easier for her.

It’s a bummer when your partner puts on weight - especially if you still expect her to have sex with you. My boyfriend has put on weight and it makes sex so much less enjoyable. It’s uncomfortable for me to have him on top of me and I’m resentful that he values eating and drinking too much over having good sex with me. So - one thing you should do is tell her you are going to exercise and eat better. And then do it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I hope your situation improves. Not sure what to tell you. Sometimes, there really is nothing to look forward to. Maybe try couples and individual therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

I have helped her find therapists. WE have gone to therapy together but not recently. SHe is on medication.

Then she needs a new medication. What you describe is untreated depression. Her medication isn’t working well for her.

+10000. SSRI’s can create the zombie effect you describe. Get her back to A NEW DR before doing anything else.

Yeah my cousin went on ssris and at one point she had the zombie effect. They changed them up and she is better now. She has ocd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I hear you, but I also see signs in your posts that you aren’t being very empathetic towards her. You have young kids. That’s tough. Is she getting enough sleep? Does she work outside the home? What are her home duties vs yours? If she was once happy and vibrant, she can probably be that way again. Sit down and ask her what you can do to make things better or easier for her.

It’s a bummer when your partner puts on weight - especially if you still expect her to have sex with you. My boyfriend has put on weight and it makes sex so much less enjoyable. It’s uncomfortable for me to have him on top of me and I’m resentful that he values eating and drinking too much over having good sex with me. So - one thing you should do is tell her you are going to exercise and eat better. And then do it.

.
she does not work outside the home. Kids are in full time daycare/school. I am carrying 80% of the financial and home load. In years past she was the breadwinner, so the financials are not a huge issue for me. It is the spinning in circles with the plan or desire to get unstuck. SHe sleeps all the time. I am getting up with the kids in AMs to feed them get htem ready---all before I go to work.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

What the hell? Everyone laying on this poor OP because he's a man. DCUM is so disgustingly sexist sometimes. If this was a woman you all would be telling her she needs to leave him since he won't take the opportunity to help herself and the weight of breadwinning AND child rearing AND household duties is falling on her. But no common sympathy for this OP. OP, try getting her meds changed and another few months of therapy and then issue an ultimatum. Her mental issues can no longer be your weight to bear if she's not trying to help herself and otherwise not contributing to your household at all. What about YOUR mental health? Your kids deserve at least one healthy, stable, contributing, positive parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I hear you, but I also see signs in your posts that you aren’t being very empathetic towards her. You have young kids. That’s tough. Is she getting enough sleep? Does she work outside the home? What are her home duties vs yours? If she was once happy and vibrant, she can probably be that way again. Sit down and ask her what you can do to make things better or easier for her.

It’s a bummer when your partner puts on weight - especially if you still expect her to have sex with you. My boyfriend has put on weight and it makes sex so much less enjoyable. It’s uncomfortable for me to have him on top of me and I’m resentful that he values eating and drinking too much over having good sex with me. So - one thing you should do is tell her you are going to exercise and eat better. And then do it.

Ugh. Just losing weight isn’t going to help. The weight maybe due to feeling like a tool that has no value outside the bedroom. Perhaps, before starting therapy or when you decide on therapy, start doing little things together without the kids. Yiu don’t have to go out, but find something. Even doing a puzzle or playing a board game. Start small. I hate feeling like a part of the scenery until bedtime.