I can tell DIL is over our visit, and I don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

Op, I hope you will return. We aren’t trying to pile on, we really want you to see another side to this. I’ve been through something similar and I will tell you that “this isn’t the hill to die on”. It sounds like your DIL started off well and at some point became more distant. Perhaps it’s something you or your DH did or said or maybe she is just tired, or maybe she’s mad at your son for a different reason. We could assume all day on what it is. Ultimately, it sounds like she was amazing in the beginning until now so Put yourself in her shoes and give her some grace. Please report back. You still have two more days. I think offering a date night is great. I would even go as far as to get them a $50 or 100 gift card that they could use out for the date night.

[Anonymous]

Oh and lastly, do not let this “situation “ have an effect on your relationship in the future. Again....grace.

[Anonymous]

Have an emergency and go home. She’s had it with hosting. It’s not you

Don't do this. Don't play games. Be authentic. I'm one of the posters that said guests should only overnight 3 nights, ideally, but don't do this. Just plan better going forward, in future years. OP, you will be fine, fine getting through this visit. Just don't make it so long ever again.

[Anonymous]

You have way overstayed your welcome. Go home early. Sunday to Monday is way way too long.

[Anonymous]

This. It's not probably not personal. Don't look for reasons to make it such.

Anonymous wrote:That is a LONG visit. I would hate receiving any guest, even ones I adore, for so long!!!


Offer a date night.

Take yourself out of the house for a good part of the day, most days, with or without the grandkids.

Don’t engage her as much in conversation, and try to be unobtrusive and not need her help with things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are visiting my son/DIL and grandkids for the holidays. We arrived on the 22 and are set to leave Monday morning.

In many ways, it's been a very nice visit. Christmas itself was wonderful. Good time with the grandkids, and my son and his wife have cooked, cleaned, and been gracious in many ways. I would like to think that DH and I have been helpful, too. We've played with the kids, and offered to bring/make/buy food. We've offered to cook, clean, do laundry, shop, anything that would be helpful.

DIL for the past day or two has seemed distrant and increasingly irritated. I can't seem to do anything right with offers to help. Instead of coming downstairs after the kids are in bed like she did the first few nights, she now just hides. She made coffee and doted on us the first few days, and now is very "help yourself," which is fine, but I don't understand why she has to be cold and distant.

I honestly don't know what to do. We're not scheduled to leave yet, and I don't want to miss time with the grandkids.

OP expected people to side with her. This is her Christmas too - she probably has to go back to work in a few days. Everyone has posted how you can help, not just offer but go ahead and tell your son you will take care of the meal planning for the next 2 days and that you will take the kids out so they can sleep or have a date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are visiting my son/DIL and grandkids for the holidays. We arrived on the 22 and are set to leave Monday morning.

In many ways, it's been a very nice visit. Christmas itself was wonderful. Good time with the grandkids, and my son and his wife have cooked, cleaned, and been gracious in many ways. I would like to think that DH and I have been helpful, too. We've played with the kids, and offered to bring/make/buy food. We've offered to cook, clean, do laundry, shop, anything that would be helpful.

DIL for the past day or two has seemed distrant and increasingly irritated. I can't seem to do anything right with offers to help. Instead of coming downstairs after the kids are in bed like she did the first few nights, she now just hides. She made coffee and doted on us the first few days, and now is very "help yourself," which is fine, but I don't understand why she has to be cold and distant.

I honestly don't know what to do. We're not scheduled to leave yet, and I don't want to miss time with the grandkids.

OP expected people to side with her. This is her Christmas too - she probably has to go back to work in a few days. Everyone has posted how you can help, not just offer but go ahead and tell your son you will take care of the meal planning for the next 2 days and that you will take the kids out so they can sleep or have a date.

To clarify I mean this is your DIL’s Christmas break too and she deserves some rest!

[Anonymous]

Just leave. Don't stay but martyr yourself with offers of chores and date nights. Just. Leave. Your stay is way, way too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop offering, start doing!

She's not going to say, "sure, clean the kitchen." So just do it.

But do it HER way. And only if you can put everything where it belongs without asking her a million questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop offering, start doing!

She's not going to say, "sure, clean the kitchen." So just do it.

But do it HER way. And only if you can put everything where it belongs without asking her a million questions.

Good grief, you two are already MILs from hell or well on your way. STOP TREATING ADULTS LIKE CHILDREN. You don't get to over-ride an adult in her own house. If she says she doesn't want help in the kitchen, don't you dare start cleaning it anyway.

[Anonymous]

NP. I feel sad reading these messages. Family should only visit for three days? I have a 10-year-old, and when I think that down the road I should only visit for three days at a time, I feel sad. My in-laws have stayed with us for a week, a couple weeks, even a couple months. Sure it can be a strain, but we should figure out ways to make longer visits than 3 days possible.

OP, it does sound like your DIL may be feeling spent from the holidays. That’s not anything to do specifically with you.

[Anonymous]

PP, stay with them 3 days ... spend some days in town after staying at a hotel w/more brief visiting. There are lots of ways to do it. Just don't stay for a week+ AT THEIR HOUSE

[Anonymous]

“Help yourself” probably means that. Do things for yourself. Don’t offer to help, help. Order dinner take out, put dishes in a dishwasher, make coffee. You’ve been there few days, you’ve seen how she does things. Most tiring thing after having to serve guests is having to micromanage them. She’s tired, it’s stressful, it’s not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I feel sad reading these messages. Family should only visit for three days? I have a 10-year-old, and when I think that down the road I should only visit for three days at a time, I feel sad. My in-laws have stayed with us for a week, a couple weeks, even a couple months. Sure it can be a strain, but we should figure out ways to make longer visits than 3 days possible.

OP, it does sound like your DIL may be feeling spent from the holidays. That’s not anything to do specifically with you.

I like long visits with family but my family actually pitches in and doesn’t expect to be served coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I feel sad reading these messages. Family should only visit for three days? I have a 10-year-old, and when I think that down the road I should only visit for three days at a time, I feel sad. My in-laws have stayed with us for a week, a couple weeks, even a couple months. Sure it can be a strain, but we should figure out ways to make longer visits than 3 days possible.

OP, it does sound like your DIL may be feeling spent from the holidays. That’s not anything to do specifically with you.

There's a Comfort Inn about 10 minutes away from my house. My ILs would be most welcome to visit longer than the typical 3-4 nights I can stand if they would avail themselves of it.