Why can’t my family work around the kids schedules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The world does not revolve around you.

But it does revolve around my crotch-goblins.

What a vulgar way to refer to children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had younger kids, the three most important things we did for large events were:

1) Always bring food with us and feed the kids if they needed it, regardless of whether others were eating. My in-laws were notorious for saying dinner would be at 5 when really it was 8.

2) Stay at an AirBnB rather than a relative's house. This way we had a quiet place for the kids to sleep and one of us could always leave a party with the kids and get them to nap/sleep.

3) Not feel guilty if we were late/left early/skipped altogether any event. I agree that you can't expect others to work around your schedule, but you also shouldn't be expected to follow theirs if the kids are melting down.

If you are doing all of these things (not staying with family, not eating meals with people, leaving events early or skipping them entirely), what is the point in even going? Why don’t you just go on a family trip somewhere you want to be rather than an Airbnb near wherever your in-laws live?

Because you are still spending time with family and letting everyone meet the baby? The point is you don't have to be with them every second of the day. This way the kids get some sleep and you have a place to escape, but you are still making an effort to be there when you can.

Are you suggesting that if the OP and family don't attend every single event for the entire time it's not worth them being there at all?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would also suggest that at some point you may want to consider staying home for Christmas. We did this once the kids were old enough the notice the difference, and now we have a nice quiet Christmas at our house and travel home right after, or sometimes even wait until MLK weekend when flights are much cheaper. Growing up my husband and I always had Christmas at our own house, with our own tree, and had fond memories of spending the day with our toys. We wanted our kids to have the same.

We had friends with large families in two different states, and each year they ran themselves ragged (and spent a fortune) visiting both families-- alternating one for Christmas and the other for New Year. One year they couldn't travel because the husband was recovering from surgery. They were so worried that the kids were going to devastated to not spend Christmas with their grandparents and cousins. Instead the kids referred to it as the "best Christmas ever" and from then on, they stayed home for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had younger kids, the three most important things we did for large events were:

1) Always bring food with us and feed the kids if they needed it, regardless of whether others were eating. My in-laws were notorious for saying dinner would be at 5 when really it was 8.

2) Stay at an AirBnB rather than a relative's house. This way we had a quiet place for the kids to sleep and one of us could always leave a party with the kids and get them to nap/sleep.

3) Not feel guilty if we were late/left early/skipped altogether any event. I agree that you can't expect others to work around your schedule, but you also shouldn't be expected to follow theirs if the kids are melting down.

If you are doing all of these things (not staying with family, not eating meals with people, leaving events early or skipping them entirely), what is the point in even going? Why don’t you just go on a family trip somewhere you want to be rather than an Airbnb near wherever your in-laws live?

Because you are still spending time with family and letting everyone meet the baby? The point is you don't have to be with them every second of the day. This way the kids get some sleep and you have a place to escape, but you are still making an effort to be there when you can.

Are you suggesting that if the OP and family don't attend every single event for the entire time it's not worth them being there at all?

More or less. Traveling with two little kids is tough. And if you are flying, renting an Airbnb, and renting a car, then this is the same cost and effort as any vacation anywhere. To do that all of that in order to see family, I would want to actually see and spend time with them. If we have to eat most of our meals as string cheese or fast food in the car, miss half the events, and be dealing with cranky kids, then forget it.
I would rather take a flight and rent an Airbnb somewhere I actually want to vacation, and we would visit family when kids are older and more flexible.

Fortunately for me, my family is Appalachian. So they are within driving distance, and we do everything on my grandma’s schedule, which is remarkably similar to that of a three year old. Everyone also sees each other all of the time, so it isn’t a big deal if we leave and come back.

This just sounds like a lot of pressure and expense for people who aren’t willing to meet you halfway.

[Anonymous]

It’s impossible in large groups. I’m sure you aren’t the only one who th kids and those other kids have their own schedules. So do adults who might have personal issues, being working on the fly (that you don’t see) or managing health conditions. You attend what you can and not worry about the rest.

I get it, really. My kid is the youngest cousin. By the time he arrived, everyone else was long past the nap stage. People forget what it is like to have little ones. I had my moments of sitting around waiting out a nap, while everyone else was having fun, or skipping dinners. It is easy to feel not considered, when it reality people are all just doing what you are-trying to manage their own stuff. The young years will pass and you will see others in your family playing the nap game, too. It is a passing part of life and not something that 40 people should or will accommodate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had younger kids, the three most important things we did for large events were:

1) Always bring food with us and feed the kids if they needed it, regardless of whether others were eating. My in-laws were notorious for saying dinner would be at 5 when really it was 8.

2) Stay at an AirBnB rather than a relative's house. This way we had a quiet place for the kids to sleep and one of us could always leave a party with the kids and get them to nap/sleep.

3) Not feel guilty if we were late/left early/skipped altogether any event. I agree that you can't expect others to work around your schedule, but you also shouldn't be expected to follow theirs if the kids are melting down.

If you are doing all of these things (not staying with family, not eating meals with people, leaving events early or skipping them entirely), what is the point in even going? Why don’t you just go on a family trip somewhere you want to be rather than an Airbnb near wherever your in-laws live?

Because you are still spending time with family and letting everyone meet the baby? The point is you don't have to be with them every second of the day. This way the kids get some sleep and you have a place to escape, but you are still making an effort to be there when you can.

Are you suggesting that if the OP and family don't attend every single event for the entire time it's not worth them being there at all?

More or less. Traveling with two little kids is tough. And if you are flying, renting an Airbnb, and renting a car, then this is the same cost and effort as any vacation anywhere. To do that all of that in order to see family, I would want to actually see and spend time with them. If we have to eat most of our meals as string cheese or fast food in the car, miss half the events, and be dealing with cranky kids, then forget it.
I would rather take a flight and rent an Airbnb somewhere I actually want to vacation, and we would visit family when kids are older and more flexible.

Fortunately for me, my family is Appalachian. So they are within driving distance, and we do everything on my grandma’s schedule, which is remarkably similar to that of a three year old. Everyone also sees each other all of the time, so it isn’t a big deal if we leave and come back.

This just sounds like a lot of pressure and expense for people who aren’t willing to meet you halfway.

I agree with this. OP’s relatives don’t have to revolve around her schedule, but they also shouldn’t make her feel guilty for missing events and complain about her toddler’s whining. We’ve visited our SIL’s family since our kids were babies, but they and DH’s other relatives who live nearby are very accommodating and completely get it if we need to peace out for naptime. OP’s parents should also be helping her out by preparing meals so that the kids can eat before a party, giving them an extra car so they can arrive late or drive home early for nap, throwing a party themselves at a convenient time so all the relatives can meet the kids and OP’s obligations are satisfied.

OP, I also second a PP’s suggestion to pick another time of year to visit. Holidays are crazy. You’ll have fewer parties and more downtime/quality time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The world does not revolve around you.

But it does revolve around my crotch-goblins.

What a vulgar way to refer to children.

Calling children crotch goblins is pretty common in child free circles. Pp, I think you are lost. This is a forum for parents!

[Anonymous]

I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

I think the thing you are missing is people forget what it's like with little kids. My kids are older now and wow, the details get kind of hazy! Also, some kids really do eat whatever. And some don't. And some really do fine with a free and loose schedule. And some don't. So on top of likely genuinely not remembering just how harrowing life can be with little kids, some people's lives with kids are a little more or less harrowing too.

I always just did what I was going to do with my kids. If they needed to be napping or going to bed, that's what they were doing. And my one picky eater, I brought food. Just come up with a plan where you have control over as many of the variables as you can (i.e., have food, rent or bring a car, etc.) and execute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

I think the thing you are missing is people forget what it's like with little kids. My kids are older now and wow, the details get kind of hazy! Also, some kids really do eat whatever. And some don't. And some really do fine with a free and loose schedule. And some don't. So on top of likely genuinely not remembering just how harrowing life can be with little kids, some people's lives with kids are a little more or less harrowing too.

I always just did what I was going to do with my kids. If they needed to be napping or going to bed, that's what they were doing. And my one picky eater, I brought food. Just come up with a plan where you have control over as many of the variables as you can (i.e., have food, rent or bring a car, etc.) and execute.

So what would you have done in the above scenarios?

You show up for dinner at 5, and there is still no food at 7pm. What time would you feed your 3 y/o? Would you sit them down at the table to eat? Let them run with it? Would you eat whatever was packed too? Or would you wait for dinner and eat with the family?

What about your sister’s Christmas brunch right at nap time? Would you just not go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

I think the thing you are missing is people forget what it's like with little kids. My kids are older now and wow, the details get kind of hazy! Also, some kids really do eat whatever. And some don't. And some really do fine with a free and loose schedule. And some don't. So on top of likely genuinely not remembering just how harrowing life can be with little kids, some people's lives with kids are a little more or less harrowing too.

I always just did what I was going to do with my kids. If they needed to be napping or going to bed, that's what they were doing. And my one picky eater, I brought food. Just come up with a plan where you have control over as many of the variables as you can (i.e., have food, rent or bring a car, etc.) and execute.

So what would you have done in the above scenarios?

You show up for dinner at 5, and there is still no food at 7pm. What time would you feed your 3 y/o? Would you sit them down at the table to eat? Let them run with it? Would you eat whatever was packed too? Or would you wait for dinner and eat with the family?

What about your sister’s Christmas brunch right at nap time? Would you just not go?

5pm dinner - Would bring food and feed 3 year old and regular dinner time for 3 year old. If dinner doesn't start until 7pm and bedtime is an issue, would send spouse home with kids to put them to bed while I sat down for 7pm dinner with family.
Brunch right at nap time - Depends on kid and depends on sister's house. One of my kids would have napped upstairs at someone else's home no problem. One of my kids could skip naps no problem. But if I had a kid(s) who could do neither of the above and I thought it was going to be a problem for me and my kid, kid(s) would nap at home with one spouse. Or I'd make the front end or the back end of the brunch if I thought I could delay nap time or put down for nap an hour earlier.

I'm not saying this stuff is easy. You just have to figure out what works for you and do it though. And yes, sometimes people might think your nuts or think you're inflexible. Whatever. Focus on your kids and what is best for your kids and your own sanity. But don't give your family a guilt trip either if the brunch time doesn't work for you. Just go about your business and do what you're going to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

I think the thing you are missing is people forget what it's like with little kids. My kids are older now and wow, the details get kind of hazy! Also, some kids really do eat whatever. And some don't. And some really do fine with a free and loose schedule. And some don't. So on top of likely genuinely not remembering just how harrowing life can be with little kids, some people's lives with kids are a little more or less harrowing too.

I always just did what I was going to do with my kids. If they needed to be napping or going to bed, that's what they were doing. And my one picky eater, I brought food. Just come up with a plan where you have control over as many of the variables as you can (i.e., have food, rent or bring a car, etc.) and execute.

So what would you have done in the above scenarios?

You show up for dinner at 5, and there is still no food at 7pm. What time would you feed your 3 y/o? Would you sit them down at the table to eat? Let them run with it? Would you eat whatever was packed too? Or would you wait for dinner and eat with the family?

What about your sister’s Christmas brunch right at nap time? Would you just not go?

And I guess I didn't address sitting down the 3 yo. No, you feed the 3 yo casually somewhere. At the kitchen island. Wherever. And if they can then stay awake while you are eating at 7pm, put on a video for them to give you 20-30 minutes to eat and they don't sit at table. What 3 year old sits at a big dinner anyway for more than 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The world does not revolve around you.

But it does revolve around my crotch-goblins.

What a vulgar way to refer to children.

Calling children crotch goblins is pretty common in child free circles. Pp, I think you are lost. This is a forum for parents!

It’s also common with people who get very, very, very uncomfortable during pregnancy and yet love their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

I think the thing you are missing is people forget what it's like with little kids. My kids are older now and wow, the details get kind of hazy! Also, some kids really do eat whatever. And some don't. And some really do fine with a free and loose schedule. And some don't. So on top of likely genuinely not remembering just how harrowing life can be with little kids, some people's lives with kids are a little more or less harrowing too.

I always just did what I was going to do with my kids. If they needed to be napping or going to bed, that's what they were doing. And my one picky eater, I brought food. Just come up with a plan where you have control over as many of the variables as you can (i.e., have food, rent or bring a car, etc.) and execute.

So what would you have done in the above scenarios?

You show up for dinner at 5, and there is still no food at 7pm. What time would you feed your 3 y/o? Would you sit them down at the table to eat? Let them run with it? Would you eat whatever was packed too? Or would you wait for dinner and eat with the family?

What about your sister’s Christmas brunch right at nap time? Would you just not go?

I have acid reflux, so I eat something small every 2-3 hours to counteract that. My family knows why, but I still get comments.

I feed kids when they’re accustomed to eating, and I expect adults to understand that. If they can’t or won’t understand, I don’t go to food events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

I think the thing you are missing is people forget what it's like with little kids. My kids are older now and wow, the details get kind of hazy! Also, some kids really do eat whatever. And some don't. And some really do fine with a free and loose schedule. And some don't. So on top of likely genuinely not remembering just how harrowing life can be with little kids, some people's lives with kids are a little more or less harrowing too.

I always just did what I was going to do with my kids. If they needed to be napping or going to bed, that's what they were doing. And my one picky eater, I brought food. Just come up with a plan where you have control over as many of the variables as you can (i.e., have food, rent or bring a car, etc.) and execute.

So what would you have done in the above scenarios?

You show up for dinner at 5, and there is still no food at 7pm. What time would you feed your 3 y/o? Would you sit them down at the table to eat? Let them run with it? Would you eat whatever was packed too? Or would you wait for dinner and eat with the family?

What about your sister’s Christmas brunch right at nap time? Would you just not go?

And I guess I didn't address sitting down the 3 yo. No, you feed the 3 yo casually somewhere. At the kitchen island. Wherever. And if they can then stay awake while you are eating at 7pm, put on a video for them to give you 20-30 minutes to eat and they don't sit at table. What 3 year old sits at a big dinner anyway for more than 5 minutes.

Pp who feeds kids when they’re expecting food: kids sit at the table, regardless of age. They can eat however much they want, and then they can talk/play, but they will sit with us. I’ve never been short of relatives who want to hold or sit next to a young child and entertain them.