Why can’t my family work around the kids schedules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This is OP - I am not trying to say that everyone should revolve their schedules around me and my family, I simply think it would be nice to take young kids into consideration when planning things. DH’s family is very considerate in this respect so I know some families do this.

I get major guilt trips for skipping events or leaving early since we rarely see everyone... so if that’s the case why not just think about what may work for young kids - there are many in the family not just mine.

And I also get comments about my kids whining at the dinner table etc which are super frustrating.

OP you should have written your OP better and included the fact that you go to everything BECAUSE of this. It doesn't change the answer (oh well, they're little, you leave when you need to), but you would have gotten a little more sympathy.

OP's kids should not be whining at all. Good parents don't tolerate whining, and no one else should have to, either. OP needs to feed her kids beforehand/ keep them home/ teach them how to behave- any of the above.

PP here. Also- this is exactly why I never include kids on invitations to friends, because I always get "why can't we also..." "they only need..." "maybe we could eat at..."
No. Not invited.

You sound like a bitch, but I like it. I'd drink with ya!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Am I getting this right - brunch doesn't work, lunch doesn't work and dinner doesn't work? You wanted people to plan early breakfasts and suppers?

Yes, OP is saying brunch, lunch and dinner all don’t work for her.

I think she’s saying it doesn’t work to have all those activities planned for the same day. As in, we can skip nap to do lunch, but we can’t then also push bedtime back to 10 for the loud party. And then also do brunch the next day.

So Don't Go To All The Things. That doesn't mean the things can't still all be held. You don't need to be there for everything. Say yes and do what you want, skip what doesn't work. Simple.

This. Rested children, or going to every event. Pick ONE.

Oh come on. She is visiting family from out of town. She isn’t supposed to attend events or eat any meals with them?

Why can’t people just eat at normal times? Breakfast is at 7-8am, lunch is at noon, dinner at 6pm. If people would just eat at the times they normally eat instead of being on a warped vacation/holiday schedule, there would be no issue.

She has to work with THEIR schedule, not the other way around. If she can't want to, that's on her.

I guess. But why don’t people wish to enjoy their grandchildren they only see once a year? Why make it so they can either not come or come and be kind of miserable?
When my sister visits with her child, I make sure that we do things that adults and kids both enjoy, have plenty of downtime, and schedule babysitters when we are doing adult things. I don’t expect her to just figure it out or stay home. Why even ask family members to visit if that’s your attitude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I getting this right - brunch doesn't work, lunch doesn't work and dinner doesn't work? You wanted people to plan early breakfasts and suppers?

Yes, OP is saying brunch, lunch and dinner all don’t work for her.

I think she’s saying it doesn’t work to have all those activities planned for the same day. As in, we can skip nap to do lunch, but we can’t then also push bedtime back to 10 for the loud party. And then also do brunch the next day.

So Don't Go To All The Things. That doesn't mean the things can't still all be held. You don't need to be there for everything. Say yes and do what you want, skip what doesn't work. Simple.

This. Rested children, or going to every event. Pick ONE.

Oh come on. She is visiting family from out of town. She isn’t supposed to attend events or eat any meals with them?

Why can’t people just eat at normal times? Breakfast is at 7-8am, lunch is at noon, dinner at 6pm. If people would just eat at the times they normally eat instead of being on a warped vacation/holiday schedule, there would be no issue.

She has to work with THEIR schedule, not the other way around. If she can't want to, that's on her.

I guess. But why don’t people wish to enjoy their grandchildren they only see once a year? Why make it so they can either not come or come and be kind of miserable?
When my sister visits with her child, I make sure that we do things that adults and kids both enjoy, have plenty of downtime, and schedule babysitters when we are doing adult things. I don’t expect her to just figure it out or stay home. Why even ask family members to visit if that’s your attitude?

Well for one thing those times are normal for YOU. I don't eat breakfast at 7 a.m. I'm not even awake that hour. I don't expect people to hold breakfast for me, I get in where I fit in. That is what OP needs to do. And just move on when people try to complain. People pleasers irritate me.

[Anonymous]

The world does not revolve around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I getting this right - brunch doesn't work, lunch doesn't work and dinner doesn't work? You wanted people to plan early breakfasts and suppers?

Yes, OP is saying brunch, lunch and dinner all don’t work for her.

I think she’s saying it doesn’t work to have all those activities planned for the same day. As in, we can skip nap to do lunch, but we can’t then also push bedtime back to 10 for the loud party. And then also do brunch the next day.

So Don't Go To All The Things. That doesn't mean the things can't still all be held. You don't need to be there for everything. Say yes and do what you want, skip what doesn't work. Simple.

This. Rested children, or going to every event. Pick ONE.

Oh come on. She is visiting family from out of town. She isn’t supposed to attend events or eat any meals with them?

Why can’t people just eat at normal times? Breakfast is at 7-8am, lunch is at noon, dinner at 6pm. If people would just eat at the times they normally eat instead of being on a warped vacation/holiday schedule, there would be no issue.

She has to work with THEIR schedule, not the other way around. If she can't want to, that's on her.

I guess. But why don’t people wish to enjoy their grandchildren they only see once a year? Why make it so they can either not come or come and be kind of miserable?
When my sister visits with her child, I make sure that we do things that adults and kids both enjoy, have plenty of downtime, and schedule babysitters when we are doing adult things. I don’t expect her to just figure it out or stay home. Why even ask family members to visit if that’s your attitude?

It’s one thing for the host family to work around the guests (to a point.) But it sounds like OP is complaining about extended family that live nearby but not at the home where she is staying. When my kids were small, each day we’d choose either skipping nap OR missing bedtime, but not both in one day. And if the trip is more than 2-3 days, you need a sleep catchup day.

[Anonymous]

Here's the problem. With big families, you can't schedule around one or two. You schedule when you can and as best you can to avoid other conflicts.

Handling the individual conflicts is up to you, the parents. It is your responsibility to do whatever you need to do to ensure that your children and their welfare is taken into account, not the hosts. It's nice if they do, but not their issue. When I was in those situations (the only difference is I have twins instead of 2 separate ages), I always made sure that I had a car. We arrived and left events when we could. I made sure to plan my children's meals around their schedule; I flexed it when I could, but I didn't depend on others to accommodate my children, I did that. So, when the family was doing dinner late, I stopped and got my children dinner before so that they had eaten and were not going into low sugar tantrum mode. When events ran late, we stayed as long as we could. I packed PJs and the parent whose family was celebrating, stayed and socialized. The other parent took the kids into the bathroom and got them dressed in PJs and ready for bed. Then we went back and the kids participated until we saw the warning signs of exhaustion and then made our apologies and took them to the car. The bonus was that they usually fell asleep on the way back to the hotel and we carried them or put them into the double stroller to get back up to the room and put them to bed.

We participated as much as the kids would allow and then we made our apologies and then took care of our children. Not anyone else's responsibilities or problem. We didn't ask anyone to make allowances, we made all the allowances for our and our children's individual needs and did the best we could.

[Anonymous]

When we had younger kids, the three most important things we did for large events were:

1) Always bring food with us and feed the kids if they needed it, regardless of whether others were eating. My in-laws were notorious for saying dinner would be at 5 when really it was 8.

2) Stay at an AirBnB rather than a relative's house. This way we had a quiet place for the kids to sleep and one of us could always leave a party with the kids and get them to nap/sleep.

3) Not feel guilty if we were late/left early/skipped altogether any event. I agree that you can't expect others to work around your schedule, but you also shouldn't be expected to follow theirs if the kids are melting down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had younger kids, the three most important things we did for large events were:

1) Always bring food with us and feed the kids if they needed it, regardless of whether others were eating. My in-laws were notorious for saying dinner would be at 5 when really it was 8.

2) Stay at an AirBnB rather than a relative's house. This way we had a quiet place for the kids to sleep and one of us could always leave a party with the kids and get them to nap/sleep.

3) Not feel guilty if we were late/left early/skipped altogether any event. I agree that you can't expect others to work around your schedule, but you also shouldn't be expected to follow theirs if the kids are melting down.

All of this. You have to pay for suitable accommodations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had younger kids, the three most important things we did for large events were:

1) Always bring food with us and feed the kids if they needed it, regardless of whether others were eating. My in-laws were notorious for saying dinner would be at 5 when really it was 8.

2) Stay at an AirBnB rather than a relative's house. This way we had a quiet place for the kids to sleep and one of us could always leave a party with the kids and get them to nap/sleep.

3) Not feel guilty if we were late/left early/skipped altogether any event. I agree that you can't expect others to work around your schedule, but you also shouldn't be expected to follow theirs if the kids are melting down.

If you are doing all of these things (not staying with family, not eating meals with people, leaving events early or skipping them entirely), what is the point in even going? Why don’t you just go on a family trip somewhere you want to be rather than an Airbnb near wherever your in-laws live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I getting this right - brunch doesn't work, lunch doesn't work and dinner doesn't work? You wanted people to plan early breakfasts and suppers?

Yes, OP is saying brunch, lunch and dinner all don’t work for her.

I think she’s saying it doesn’t work to have all those activities planned for the same day. As in, we can skip nap to do lunch, but we can’t then also push bedtime back to 10 for the loud party. And then also do brunch the next day.

So Don't Go To All The Things. That doesn't mean the things can't still all be held. You don't need to be there for everything. Say yes and do what you want, skip what doesn't work. Simple.

This. Rested children, or going to every event. Pick ONE.

Oh come on. She is visiting family from out of town. She isn’t supposed to attend events or eat any meals with them?

Why can’t people just eat at normal times? Breakfast is at 7-8am, lunch is at noon, dinner at 6pm. If people would just eat at the times they normally eat instead of being on a warped vacation/holiday schedule, there would be no issue.

Normal for who?
There aren't universal "normal times" for meals. It's kind of cute how you attempt to state with authority that these are THE meal times for all though. Other times are "warped".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need your own rental car - food from the grocery store - feed your kids before the party - take them - have husband leave with them at 6:30 when they are tired - and you stay. we've done this or YEARS

+1
Split up the parents. Split up the kids if necessary. Mom goes to all the events without kids and can focus on family. Dad focuses on kid needs. Dad can arrive at brunch after baby finishes the nap, or leave early to put kids to bed. You need to figure out how to do this, because as your kids get older, they will have different needs. When they are a little older, you should let your kids have a break by taking them to a park or the zoo - something kid focused where they can run around. My husband always did this when we visited my family, plus he'd take along the couple other kids similar in age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why can’t people just eat at normal times? Breakfast is at 7-8am, lunch is at noon, dinner at 6pm. If people would just eat at the times they normally eat instead of being on a warped vacation/holiday schedule, there would be no issue.

Maybe you do actually eat at those “normal times” but you live in NY and now you’re in Cali. What then? Pesky time zones.

[Anonymous]

You have a problem with dinner at normal dinner time, lunch at normal lunch time and brunch at normal brunch time. What do you want, your entire family to eat at 4? Do you think that yours are the first kids to have ever been born? Will they be the last in your family? Should all meals only be served at 4 if there is a child in the family? In case you don’t get it, you are self-centered. Figure out how to make what you can work for your immediate family, and do what you can without trying to make the world revolve around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The world does not revolve around you.

But it does revolve around my crotch-goblins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need your own rental car - food from the grocery store - feed your kids before the party - take them - have husband leave with them at 6:30 when they are tired - and you stay. we've done this or YEARS

+1
Split up the parents. Split up the kids if necessary. Mom goes to all the events without kids and can focus on family. Dad focuses on kid needs. Dad can arrive at brunch after baby finishes the nap, or leave early to put kids to bed. You need to figure out how to do this, because as your kids get older, they will have different needs. When they are a little older, you should let your kids have a break by taking them to a park or the zoo - something kid focused where they can run around. My husband always did this when we visited my family, plus he'd take along the couple other kids similar in age.

This. All of this. Divide and conquer. And don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry, Andrew is taking Delilah back to the hotel now for her nap, poor thing is melting down. Give her a kiss and we’ll all see her tomorrow. Caleb and Noah are going to snack in the dining room if you’d like to spend time with them.”

And OP, this is just for a few years, not a lifetime. You have to do this now, not forever.