Why can’t my family work around the kids schedules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the bitter bitches responding to this thread.

I hear you OP. I, like you, do not expect the world to revolve around me and my children but when they beg me to come visit and bring the kids, we drop a couple of thousand to do so, packed up half our freaking house and shlepped across the country, it is kind and considerate (as a PP pointed out) for CLOSE family members to say "hey, what time would be good to meet up that works for your kids schedule?" Or for your parents or other close family member to offer a car so you can arrive late/leave early as needed, or for a close family member to ask what snacks or items they can pick up before you arrive to make your visit a little smoother. Are you *entitled* to this treatment? No, but I don't think you were saying that you were. It is simply the considerate thing to do when someone *else* drops the money and spends the effort to come to visit.

Similarly when my parents come to visit, I stock the kitchen with foods they like, pick up their preferred soap, make sure there's adequate toilet paper under the sink and clean sheets on the bed, and I don't choose activities that would be challenging for grandma to do even if my kid would love them. Why? I don't think my family are *owed* those things or the world should revolve around them, but it is the considerate thing to do as a host.

I think the thing you are missing is people forget what it's like with little kids. My kids are older now and wow, the details get kind of hazy! Also, some kids really do eat whatever. And some don't. And some really do fine with a free and loose schedule. And some don't. So on top of likely genuinely not remembering just how harrowing life can be with little kids, some people's lives with kids are a little more or less harrowing too.

I always just did what I was going to do with my kids. If they needed to be napping or going to bed, that's what they were doing. And my one picky eater, I brought food. Just come up with a plan where you have control over as many of the variables as you can (i.e., have food, rent or bring a car, etc.) and execute.

So what would you have done in the above scenarios?

You show up for dinner at 5, and there is still no food at 7pm. What time would you feed your 3 y/o? Would you sit them down at the table to eat? Let them run with it? Would you eat whatever was packed too? Or would you wait for dinner and eat with the family?

What about your sister’s Christmas brunch right at nap time? Would you just not go?

5pm dinner - Would bring food and feed 3 year old and regular dinner time for 3 year old. If dinner doesn't start until 7pm and bedtime is an issue, would send spouse home with kids to put them to bed while I sat down for 7pm dinner with family.
Brunch right at nap time - Depends on kid and depends on sister's house. One of my kids would have napped upstairs at someone else's home no problem. One of my kids could skip naps no problem. But if I had a kid(s) who could do neither of the above and I thought it was going to be a problem for me and my kid, kid(s) would nap at home with one spouse. Or I'd make the front end or the back end of the brunch if I thought I could delay nap time or put down for nap an hour earlier.

I'm not saying this stuff is easy. You just have to figure out what works for you and do it though. And yes, sometimes people might think your nuts or think you're inflexible. Whatever. Focus on your kids and what is best for your kids and your own sanity. But don't give your family a guilt trip either if the brunch time doesn't work for you. Just go about your business and do what you're going to do.

It kind of sounds like you agree with the OP’s vent .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The world does not revolve around you.

But it does revolve around my crotch-goblins.

What a vulgar way to refer to children.

Calling children crotch goblins is pretty common in child free circles. Pp, I think you are lost. This is a forum for parents!

DP. Sensitive/PC much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had younger kids, the three most important things we did for large events were:

1) Always bring food with us and feed the kids if they needed it, regardless of whether others were eating. My in-laws were notorious for saying dinner would be at 5 when really it was 8.

2) Stay at an AirBnB rather than a relative's house. This way we had a quiet place for the kids to sleep and one of us could always leave a party with the kids and get them to nap/sleep.

3) Not feel guilty if we were late/left early/skipped altogether any event. I agree that you can't expect others to work around your schedule, but you also shouldn't be expected to follow theirs if the kids are melting down.

If you are doing all of these things (not staying with family, not eating meals with people, leaving events early or skipping them entirely), what is the point in even going? Why don’t you just go on a family trip somewhere you want to be rather than an Airbnb near wherever your in-laws live?

Because you are still spending time with family and letting everyone meet the baby? The point is you don't have to be with them every second of the day. This way the kids get some sleep and you have a place to escape, but you are still making an effort to be there when you can.

Are you suggesting that if the OP and family don't attend every single event for the entire time it's not worth them being there at all?

+1. The above is good advice. Signed mom of two who regularly brings her kids on transcontinental flights that involve a 6 hour time change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The world does not revolve around you.

But it does revolve around my crotch-goblins.

What a vulgar way to refer to children.

Calling children crotch goblins is pretty common in child free circles. Pp, I think you are lost. This is a forum for parents!

DP. Sensitive/PC much?

Again, I think you got lost on your way to the childfree reddit! Go away weirdo. This whole forum is called DC Urban MOMS and DADS.

[Anonymous]

OP: For your next visit you can send out an email to the family and say that you are excited to see everyone. Put down your kids schedule and let them know that you will be leaving events early if the kids need to nap and that you will be bringing food with you to make sure that the kids eat on their schedule. Just be clear up front as to what your plans are and why. Then stick to those plans. Hopefully a little advanced knowledge might cause an adjustment in the schedule for the people who are most interested in seeing you. Perhaps find a local play ground that you know your kids will enjoy playing at and invite people to hang out with their kids at said play ground on a particular day and time.

This way everyone knows your kids schedule and how you are going to be handling things during your visit. You can say that you look forward to attending events that are off your scheduled hours but if the kids are becoming cranky or restless because they are hungry or need a nap that you will taking specific actions to address your kids needs.

We have some family members with various mental health issues and special needs that send out reminder emails as to why they might look for a quiet place or need to leave early and no one raises an eye brow at those emails. It helps us remember that some folks need a bit more space or help in a more energetic environment. No biggie. Remembering that person X is going to go to a quiet place, set aside by the host, if they get over stimulated helps us not drop in and check in on said person because we are worried. Friends who have kids with allergies or health issues send me reminders when they are visiting so we can make sure we have food available that is safe for them or their kids. We have a diabetic in the family and I send them the recipes for what we are making so he has a good idea about what is being served. We ask if there is a dish we can make for everyone that meets his needs.

We don't change the schedule or alter the entire meal but we look for ways to be inclusive or to make sure that we have something set up for people who need an escape. No one sneers at the idea of bringing specific food for a need.

But there is communication so we have a better idea of what to expect and how to help.

[Anonymous]

9 47 I would suggest that you postpone your visit for a few years.