Tired from travel but DH said my turn for kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

PP whose husband travels - I have done this both as a WOHM and a SAHM. I became a SAHM when we moved for my husband’s work to different country where we had no support structure. He had to start traveling less than 2 months after we moved. It is absolutely more exhausting doing this as a SAHM. When I was working I could eat my lunch by myself, I could go to the bathroom by myself, I had quiet time to myself while commuting. If I was sick, I could take my son to daycare and rest.

My son is now 3 and goes to preschool and it is much better now because I get somewhat of a break (I do volunteer work now that takes up 15-30 hours a week) but especially for that time before he was in school I was absolutely and utterly mental exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

+1

-1 The "break" being referred to is from childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I’m confused. You take care of your kids full time while working? Every workplace I’ve ever heard of had strict policies against that.

If you have a nanny or daycare, then you are absolutely not dealing with the same thing AND working. Get over yourself.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

PP whose husband travels - I have done this both as a WOHM and a SAHM. I became a SAHM when we moved for my husband’s work to different country where we had no support structure. He had to start traveling less than 2 months after we moved. It is absolutely more exhausting doing this as a SAHM. When I was working I could eat my lunch by myself, I could go to the bathroom by myself, I had quiet time to myself while commuting. If I was sick, I could take my son to daycare and rest.

My son is now 3 and goes to preschool and it is much better now because I get somewhat of a break (I do volunteer work now that takes up 15-30 hours a week) but especially for that time before he was in school I was absolutely and utterly mental exhausted.

I too have done both and found it much harder when I was WOH with a working spouse. Experiences vary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I’m confused. You take care of your kids full time while working? Every workplace I’ve ever heard of had strict policies against that.

If you have a nanny or daycare, then you are absolutely not dealing with the same thing AND working. Get over yourself.

Please re-read what the PP wrote:

My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone.

Nannies and daycares don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs. Dealing with those *and* having to go to the office with meetings, deadlines, politics is a hell of a lot more stressful than being able to stay at home and half-ass your way through a day with kids. I don't see how this is even a debatable point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

As a working parent I think you’re doing it wrong if you don’t structure your days so you can at least get a coffee alone and recharge. Or go out to eat for lunch. Sometimes, when my spouse was traveling, I even called in sick and took the kids to daycare for a mental health day.

SAHMs do not have that option.

Of course they do! When I was a SAHM and wasn't feeling well or needed a break, I traded childcare with friends. Or dropped them off at the gym daycare. It's really not as hard as you're making it sound (unless you have 0 friends and 0 money for gym).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

+1

-1 The "break" being referred to is from childcare.

Ha! I was a SAHM for 2 years. When I went back to work, I used to call it going on vacation! I ate food someone else prepared for me for lunch everyday, I had coffee breaks, it was awesome. My DH suddenly had to handle pick ups everyday (I did drop offs) and he started getting stressed about childcare. He didn’t get it until then.

There is a lot of hatred towards SAHMs on this board, I don’t know why it’s so threatening for working parents to admit that it is difficult to do and mentally taxing in a way that working is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I’m confused. You take care of your kids full time while working? Every workplace I’ve ever heard of had strict policies against that.

If you have a nanny or daycare, then you are absolutely not dealing with the same thing AND working. Get over yourself.

Please re-read what the PP wrote:

My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone.

Nannies and daycares don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs. Dealing with those *and* having to go to the office with meetings, deadlines, politics is a hell of a lot more stressful than being able to stay at home and half-ass your way through a day with kids. I don't see how this is even a debatable point.

By that standard, preschool and sitters don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs when you are a SAHP either.

Sorry, but it's the break from nonstop childcare that the spouse needs when the traveling spouse returns after a period away. Once he or she walks in the door, he or she should be prepared to help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll, based on the thread from a month or so ago where it was the dad who travelled. OP probably wants to see if a woman would get the same responses the dad did in the other thread. So far, yes.

This.

We are consistent at least. If you can’t jump back in after work travel, I think you need a new job.

Agree that it's a troll and agree the posts are all very consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

+1

-1 The "break" being referred to is from childcare.

Ha! I was a SAHM for 2 years. When I went back to work, I used to call it going on vacation! I ate food someone else prepared for me for lunch everyday, I had coffee breaks, it was awesome. My DH suddenly had to handle pick ups everyday (I did drop offs) and he started getting stressed about childcare. He didn’t get it until then.

There is a lot of hatred towards SAHMs on this board, I don’t know why it’s so threatening for working parents to admit that it is difficult to do and mentally taxing in a way that working is not.

I was a SAHM. I am far from hating SAHMs as I was one myself, have dear friends who SAH, and I value the role a lot. I miss my SAHM days! But for me, it just wasn't as hard as people here make it out to be. WOH was far harder for me. In general, I have a hard time understanding how people find SAHM harder unless they have something like five kids or something. I mean, you can usually nap! It's not stressful.

I think the thing is, this is really individual. I think the people who consider working much easier have never really had a difficult job, and I bet there are people out there who had much harder kids than I did. I had kids who followed a routine, who settled into preschool easily when the time came, who were enjoyable to be with. Of course SAH was pretty easy for me. It would be embarrassing for me to complain. Similarly, if you don't have a high-stress job, you don't really understand the toll that it takes.

It's not "hate" to express different experiences and opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I’m confused. You take care of your kids full time while working? Every workplace I’ve ever heard of had strict policies against that.

If you have a nanny or daycare, then you are absolutely not dealing with the same thing AND working. Get over yourself.

Please re-read what the PP wrote:

My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone.

Nannies and daycares don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs. Dealing with those *and* having to go to the office with meetings, deadlines, politics is a hell of a lot more stressful than being able to stay at home and half-ass your way through a day with kids. I don't see how this is even a debatable point.

By that standard, preschool and sitters don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs when you are a SAHP either.

Sorry, but it's the break from nonstop childcare that the spouse needs when the traveling spouse returns after a period away. Once he or she walks in the door, he or she should be prepared to help out.

I never said they did. But they do give you a break from "nonstop childcare."

Nighttime sleep issues are a constant whether you SAH or WOH. But dealing with those *while also* being expected to perform in a demanding / high-level job is much harder than being home with kids, where your only requirement is to keep them alive. Yes, you can take a sick day if you work, but let's be real, the work doesn't magically disappear, and oftentimes you're still stuck listening to meetings and doing things from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

+1

-1 The "break" being referred to is from childcare.

Ha! I was a SAHM for 2 years. When I went back to work, I used to call it going on vacation! I ate food someone else prepared for me for lunch everyday, I had coffee breaks, it was awesome. My DH suddenly had to handle pick ups everyday (I did drop offs) and he started getting stressed about childcare. He didn’t get it until then.

There is a lot of hatred towards SAHMs on this board, I don’t know why it’s so threatening for working parents to admit that it is difficult to do and mentally taxing in a way that working is not.

I have great respect for SAHMs and admit it is very difficult to deal with toddlers all day, but one of the perks is that you can half-ass your way through the day (if needed) without suffering consequences. Also, you have only one thing to think about - the family/kids. You don't have to expend mental energy thinking about your job, and then compartmentalize those thoughts when you come home so that you can be fully present for your kids. That's why WOHPs who do solo childcare need more of a break. Again, not sure why this is so controversial.

[Anonymous]

He’s right

[Anonymous]

+1 on careful scheduling to arrive early or late. Stay an extra night if you must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

Im 23:54. I do work and solo 2-3 weeks at a time. It was MUCH harder as a SAHP. Ours was neither in daycare or able to be put in gym daycare (screamed). Sitters were not in our budget and they were high needs (which was why I was at home). Not doing it wrong, doing what child needed. Things got infinitely better when they were older and I was able to go back to work full time. Their dad still travels a ton. Getting coverage and back up care, plus handling all the day to day ish with driving and drop off/pick up in the DMV is ridiculously stressful, but it’s still easier than being home 24/7 for weeks in end solo.