Tired from travel but DH said my turn for kids

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I understand what the pp above yours is saying.

SAHPs don't generally hire childcare during the day, that's what their job is.

And depending on the age of the child, preschool and gym daycare may not be an option, it isn't always an issue of "not doing it right".

It's the daily grind of not getting a break from childcare that is the issue when the spouse has returned from travel, and working parents do get that break in a say that a SAHP doesn't.

Working parents do not get a "break" - they go to work! And if you're tired, it's a lot easier to half-ass your day at home with kids than it is during a day full of meetings.

And yes, I do think you are "not doing it right" as a SAHP if you don't have some form of temporary relief like a gym daycare, babysitter, or a fellow SAHP who can watch your kids for a couple of hours so you get a break.

As a working parent I think you’re doing it wrong if you don’t structure your days so you can at least get a coffee alone and recharge. Or go out to eat for lunch. Sometimes, when my spouse was traveling, I even called in sick and took the kids to daycare for a mental health day.

SAHMs do not have that option.

Of course they do! When I was a SAHM and wasn't feeling well or needed a break, I traded childcare with friends. Or dropped them off at the gym daycare. It's really not as hard as you're making it sound (unless you have 0 friends and 0 money for gym).

Not everyone has that network.

[Anonymous]

Did not read any post beyond the OP. My husband got home from a long trip yesterday afternoon and he was immediately on with all three of our young children, even though he felt a little under the weather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I’m confused. You take care of your kids full time while working? Every workplace I’ve ever heard of had strict policies against that.

If you have a nanny or daycare, then you are absolutely not dealing with the same thing AND working. Get over yourself.

Please re-read what the PP wrote:

My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone.

Nannies and daycares don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs. Dealing with those *and* having to go to the office with meetings, deadlines, politics is a hell of a lot more stressful than being able to stay at home and half-ass your way through a day with kids. I don't see how this is even a debatable point.

By that standard, preschool and sitters don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs when you are a SAHP either.

Sorry, but it's the break from nonstop childcare that the spouse needs when the traveling spouse returns after a period away. Once he or she walks in the door, he or she should be prepared to help out.

I never said they did. But they do give you a break from "nonstop childcare."

Nighttime sleep issues are a constant whether you SAH or WOH. But dealing with those *while also* being expected to perform in a demanding / high-level job is much harder than being home with kids, where your only requirement is to keep them alive. Yes, you can take a sick day if you work, but let's be real, the work doesn't magically disappear, and oftentimes you're still stuck listening to meetings and doing things from home.

Not every WOH has a "demanding high level job" and not every SAHM is taking care of small non-school age children. There's no one answer to who has it harder, it just depends on the individual circumstances. But the point of this post is about the traveling parent returning to the parent with the kids. And that parent needs to step up, right when coming through the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I’m confused. You take care of your kids full time while working? Every workplace I’ve ever heard of had strict policies against that.

If you have a nanny or daycare, then you are absolutely not dealing with the same thing AND working. Get over yourself.

Please re-read what the PP wrote:

My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone.

Nannies and daycares don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs. Dealing with those *and* having to go to the office with meetings, deadlines, politics is a hell of a lot more stressful than being able to stay at home and half-ass your way through a day with kids. I don't see how this is even a debatable point.

I’m 05:44 and I also responded at 12:18. I absolutely have done it at both ways through sleep issues and illnesses. I found being on 24/7 at home is more draining when doing it solo. Have you done both? I’m guessing not since you think staying at home with kids as half-assing it. The key here is doing it solo. It’s not about the regular day to day WOHM vs SAHM experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the solo parent for the week works then they should get to tag out immediately. If they are a SAH then they shouldn’t completely check out. They should give the traveling spouse a tiny bit of time to decompress, or at least share the duties.

Yeah, no. Flip that. If you’re working out of the home you are getting at least a few child free moments in the day. Working while the other parent is out of the country it’s not easy. I’ve been at home while my husband travels overseas and I’ve worked while he travels. While there is its own set of stressors being the only working parent in the house, not being able to be alone at all as SAHP for days/weeks on end is surreal and exhausting.

This. My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone. You better believe I expected him to step up ASAP even with transatlantic + transcontinental travel. He slept uninterrupted for two weeks, was able to go out and socialize, slept in (our son has always been up by 5/6 am), and could have 2 minutes alone to pee without a screaming toddler outside the door. He’s gone out to see movies while on travel.

Imagine dealing with that AND working. Get it?

I stand by my statement. If you WOH then you have a huge number of additional stressors and things taking up your mental energy. You need that break. If you SAH, unless you’re doing it wrong, you have preschool or gym daycare or nap time to give you a break, or worst case you can hire a babysitter for a few hours.

I’m confused. You take care of your kids full time while working? Every workplace I’ve ever heard of had strict policies against that.

If you have a nanny or daycare, then you are absolutely not dealing with the same thing AND working. Get over yourself.

Please re-read what the PP wrote:

My husband travels for weeks at a time and for a lot of that our child’s sleep sucked - constant night waking, took forever to put to sleep, etc so I was getting by with barely any sleep plus coming down with major illnesses (had the stomach bug so bad once that I couldn’t stand beyond going to the bathroom while still nursing) while having no help caring for our son while he was gone.

Nannies and daycares don't help you out with nighttime sleep issues and stomach bugs. Dealing with those *and* having to go to the office with meetings, deadlines, politics is a hell of a lot more stressful than being able to stay at home and half-ass your way through a day with kids. I don't see how this is even a debatable point.

I’m 05:44 and I also responded at 12:18. I absolutely have done it at both ways through sleep issues and illnesses. I found being on 24/7 at home is more draining when doing it solo. Have you done both? I’m guessing not since you think staying at home with kids as half-assing it. The key here is doing it solo. It’s not about the regular day to day WOHM vs SAHM experiences.

DP. Yes I have done both solo and thought WOH was harder. But this isn't a suffering contest.

[Anonymous]

If this is not a troll, you need to rethink things. If I were to go away on a trip, work or otherwise, I would want to spend time with my kids. Grow up and do your job, OP.

[Anonymous]

I got back from a quick trip yesterday. DH and DS picked me up at the airport. We went and had a late lunch/early dinner. DS, 7, cuddled the entire time we were in the booth. We go home and I cuddled with DS while watching a TV show. He wanted me to play the game he made up but I said no because I was tired and not really capable of focusing that much. We went for a walk and looked at Christmas lights. we watched some football together. Read to DS and hung out in his room as he fell asleep. Today will be some Christmas activities that we enjoy together after school. And we will play the game he made up.

I enjoyed the time with DS but find that I need to set the terms, ie I am tired from traveling so there are certain things we can do, pretty much anything that does not require much thinking on my part, and a few others that we need to wait for.

We handle things on a case by case basis. When DH was gone helping with his dying Father I knew that he would be emotionally and physically spent when he got home. If one of us is gone on travel that is farther away, like 12 hours or more, then there is less of an expectation that the traveling parent is going to be on when they walk in the door. And our version of on is different then some peoples here. I would not expect a jet lagged parent to handle transportation to events within a few hours of returning home. But time hanging with the family and chilling is expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is not a troll, you need to rethink things. If I were to go away on a trip, work or otherwise, I would want to spend time with my kids. Grow up and do your job, OP.

Was just going to ask this. Why do you have kids? You’re away from them and don’t even want to step up and take care of them when you get home. We spend so much time on this site preaching to childless people about what they’re missing out on and how they don’t know what love is and here is OP who can’t be bothered with her kids. No wonder people are staying childfree more and more. You make it sound so grand.

[Anonymous]

Biglaw mom. Traveled half a dozen times this Fall for work. The job kills me but I gotta go with DH on this one. Travel means I get alone time, room service and a king size bed to myself, even if I’m pulling close to all-nighters in my hotel, having been in meeting all day and doing my desk work all night. I guess occasionally I tell DJ I’ve pulled an all nighter and can’t but I use that trump card rarely. Many times I suck it up even if I’ve had no sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh so sorry you're tired after relaxing plane sitting, and after uninterrupted sleep, and after timely meals with adults? sorry sweetie, your fun time ends the moment you get home. he is right.

Yeah I just posted as biglaw mom. Travel for me means meetings all day then revising documents all night for the next set of meetings the next day for days straight. I’m highly paid so part of the job. Also pretty senior. I guess some folks go on trips and sleep great but this strikes me as about as realistic as saying new moms sleep when infants sleep and infants STTN by 3 months and what are all the new moms complaining about bc maternity is a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll, based on the thread from a month or so ago where it was the dad who travelled. OP probably wants to see if a woman would get the same responses the dad did in the other thread. So far, yes.

This.

We are consistent at least. If you can’t jump back in after work travel, I think you need a new job.

Not the OP but I am seriously wondering if you are serious? When I travel it's usually for intense work trips, sometimes 16 hour days and long periods of being "on" in front of large groups. no dinners and socializing. my flights are usually 6 hours or so. I come back unable to function. Do I need a new job?

DP, but frankly yes. If your job requires you to completely check out on your family, either get a new job or accept that you’re a shitty spouse and parent.

Or maybe just neither independently wealthy nor ok with poverty bc who knows what the future brings in terms of emergencies or unanticipated changes. You are a spoiled, take it for granted person who is an affront to all the people throughout history and throughout the world today struggling to get through life with their children on their backs. Take you phony righteousness and stick it you know where.

[Anonymous]

As someone waiting for their partner to come home from a month of travel...this entire conversation is exhausting.