whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two issues-

1. He is intelligent, controlling, and dominant yet still passive if that makes sense. It wasn’t clear to me what this looked like for awhile but I’ve figured it out. He will act very easy going but actually has a very clear idea of how he wants things to go and will act out passive aggressively if this does not happen. Conflict avoidant which leads to breakdown in communication.

2. I resent him being socially kind of awkward. Doesn’t have friends unless through me. Never does hobbies or initiates activities. Does not bring much fun to our relationship. Very serious and worries a lot about health and money (neither of which we have issues with).

Anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse has become more conservative. Suffers from white male fragility.

UGH. Mine too. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

well, our kids are 18, 15 and 13 so we're not exactly "new" to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

well, our kids are 18, 15 and 13 so we're not exactly "new" to this.

Exactly. So you should know the drill by now. Just a few more years for you. I don’t see what good it does to whine about it- of course your kids’ needs come before yours. Part of the gig. And this is why we do not have a dog, either- BTW. Ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

well, our kids are 18, 15 and 13 so we're not exactly "new" to this.

Exactly. So you should know the drill by now. Just a few more years for you. I don’t see what good it does to whine about it- of course your kids’ needs come before yours. Part of the gig. And this is why we do not have a dog, either- BTW. Ha.

NP - jesus, you're just a shrill woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

Should say hidden until after we got married and had kids. Then it all came out!

I'm confused. Can you give a specific example? How could you not realize your values differed or your spouse has Asberger's?

You would have to have a better understanding of ASD, but it is well-known that the pressures of real adult life, specifically rearing and providing for children, can make previously "hidden" ASD and ADHD interfere. Meaning, therapies and tools that were learned earlier and employed through childhood and early adulthood are no longer adequate. My DH is case in point. He was very sweet, generous, and loving. After a loss of twins from premature labor, loss of job, and other things that we encounter as adults, he became a controlling, narcissistic horrible husband and very distant father (his kids think he's a complete freak). Nothing like who he was in his twenties, when we got married.

+1 and narcissistic tendencies are in full swing. My DH became this way after having children (sorry PP about your twins). It was completely hidden in the beginning. Our kids think he’s nuts and have asked me to help make sure they don’t marry someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Lack of a deep connection that over the years has translated into a lack of intimacy and eventually led to an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two issues-

1. He is intelligent, controlling, and dominant yet still passive if that makes sense. It wasn’t clear to me what this looked like for awhile but I’ve figured it out. He will act very easy going but actually has a very clear idea of how he wants things to go and will act out passive aggressively if this does not happen. Conflict avoidant which leads to breakdown in communication.

2. I resent him being socially kind of awkward. Doesn’t have friends unless through me. Never does hobbies or initiates activities. Does not bring much fun to our relationship. Very serious and worries a lot about health and money (neither of which we have issues with).

Wow. You just described my DH.

Those aren't such bad attributes imo. I think I may have been like her DH. Health and money was my big thing even in my 20s. Ex DH was very smart and earned a lot of money, but lacked a LOT of common sense. I couldn't take that so we went our separate ways. He ended up with great jobs, but never really saved, and didn't do his annual exams. I scheduled all that fyi. In his 50s ended up dying of a pretty curable disease because he again neglected his health. The sad thing is if we stayed married he'd be alive today. As it was I found tons of unclaimed accounts he neglected or forgot about. I'd take common sense 101 over any Mensa idiot....at least that's what I've learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Him not empathizing/understanding/supporting my feelings if they differ from his.

This manifests in so many ways.
I want some space, he feels rejected and can't understand why after a 4 day weekend together non-stop i need some time alone to 'chill'
He doesn't understand why I drink coffee (make at home) and comments every day why it is wrong/bad
He doesn't understand why I don't want to give his entire family the pass code to our home and feels it is a 'slight' to his family (mine doesn't have it either, all family is about 2 hours away)

This goes for everything that I feel that is different then him. It is never understood or respected. Always commented on and some motives assigned to it when I just need some damn alone time sometimes.

*Yes, we have calmly discussed this issue for years, in and out of therapy. he just doesn't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

"We disagree about everything but I didn't know that until after we got married."

Uh huh. Not exactly credible.

I believe it. My XH was not controlling or contrary until day 3 of our honeymoon. I guess he felt comfortable then. So did his family. His parents asked for a key to put the wedding gifts in our apartment while we were honeymooning. They left the wedding gifts, but also all of his childhood crap, and a stack of the CC bills that his mom had secretly paid up to that point.

LOL you really suck at choosing husbands if that is true.

I bet all the signs were there (for both you and the other PP) you just chose not to notice them.

[Anonymous]

I'm just not really attracted to DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

well, our kids are 18, 15 and 13 so we're not exactly "new" to this.

Exactly. So you should know the drill by now. Just a few more years for you. I don’t see what good it does to whine about it- of course your kids’ needs come before yours. Part of the gig. And this is why we do not have a dog, either- BTW. Ha.

NP - jesus, you're just a shrill woman.

NP: I don’t understand what is shrill about this. She is just saying that if you decide to have kids, that’s the commitment you make. Why complain about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

well, our kids are 18, 15 and 13 so we're not exactly "new" to this.

Exactly. So you should know the drill by now. Just a few more years for you. I don’t see what good it does to whine about it- of course your kids’ needs come before yours. Part of the gig. And this is why we do not have a dog, either- BTW. Ha.

NP - jesus, you're just a shrill woman.

NP: I don’t understand what is shrill about this. She is just saying that if you decide to have kids, that’s the commitment you make. Why complain about it?

you should post this answer to the numerous threads when anyone complains about anything in their marriage. No, you're too cowardly to do that? then f*** off.