whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

I’m sure they do, and the “shut up man baby” is quite often - though not always- deserved. All too often I see wives who are working full time, shouldering a majority of the house/childcare, maintaining most outside relationships (often with DHS family too) and then you have the husband whining “but what about meeeeeeee, waaah I’m so neglected..” It is as if they are jealous of their own children. 90% of the time the problem is that the DH isn’t doing enough (and they want massive praise for the little that they actually do)- look at all of the threads on DCUM. People should think much harder before having multiple kids (and dogs!)- of course it means less free time for the adults in the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

well, our kids are 18, 15 and 13 so we're not exactly "new" to this.

Exactly. So you should know the drill by now. Just a few more years for you. I don’t see what good it does to whine about it- of course your kids’ needs come before yours. Part of the gig. And this is why we do not have a dog, either- BTW. Ha.

NP - jesus, you're just a shrill woman.

NP: I don’t understand what is shrill about this. She is just saying that if you decide to have kids, that’s the commitment you make. Why complain about it?

you should post this answer to the numerous threads when anyone complains about anything in their marriage. No, you're too cowardly to do that? then f*** off.

I think it would be helpful if the OP of the “my needs come after the kids” was more specific..I mean, most of my needs, and DHs do indeed come after the kids. Not all, no- and not all of the time. But largely it is what you sign up for when you become a parent. If the DH said “I haven’t had more than 4hrs of sleep in 10yrs!” Or something crazy like that then sure he’d get sympathy. But if it’s “I can’t sit down and watch the game every Sunday afternoon anymore- because KIDS!” Yeah...not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

I’m sure they do, and the “shut up man baby” is quite often - though not always- deserved. All too often I see wives who are working full time, shouldering a majority of the house/childcare, maintaining most outside relationships (often with DHS family too) and then you have the husband whining “but what about meeeeeeee, waaah I’m so neglected..” It is as if they are jealous of their own children. 90% of the time the problem is that the DH isn’t doing enough (and they want massive praise for the little that they actually do)- look at all of the threads on DCUM. People should think much harder before having multiple kids (and dogs!)- of course it means less free time for the adults in the household.

that attitude a big part of the problem here - along with buying into pretty much a one-sided story of what the woman posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

I’m sure they do, and the “shut up man baby” is quite often - though not always- deserved. All too often I see wives who are working full time, shouldering a majority of the house/childcare, maintaining most outside relationships (often with DHS family too) and then you have the husband whining “but what about meeeeeeee, waaah I’m so neglected..” It is as if they are jealous of their own children. 90% of the time the problem is that the DH isn’t doing enough (and they want massive praise for the little that they actually do)- look at all of the threads on DCUM. People should think much harder before having multiple kids (and dogs!)- of course it means less free time for the adults in the household.

that attitude a big part of the problem here - along with buying into pretty much a one-sided story of what the woman posts.

Well it is DCUM, an online forum. Of course we will address an OP and try to help with the problem as described- and the OPs on this forum are generally women. We aren’t exactly going to call the DH up on the phone and ask for his side. Lol. The other party can seek their own advice.

[Anonymous]

being married is the core issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

I’m sure they do, and the “shut up man baby” is quite often - though not always- deserved. All too often I see wives who are working full time, shouldering a majority of the house/childcare, maintaining most outside relationships (often with DHS family too) and then you have the husband whining “but what about meeeeeeee, waaah I’m so neglected..” It is as if they are jealous of their own children. 90% of the time the problem is that the DH isn’t doing enough (and they want massive praise for the little that they actually do)- look at all of the threads on DCUM. People should think much harder before having multiple kids (and dogs!)- of course it means less free time for the adults in the household.

that attitude a big part of the problem here - along with buying into pretty much a one-sided story of what the woman posts.

Well it is DCUM, an online forum. Of course we will address an OP and try to help with the problem as described- and the OPs on this forum are generally women. We aren’t exactly going to call the DH up on the phone and ask for his side. Lol. The other party can seek their own advice.

but being circumspect and objective should be pretty easy to do but it seems that there is more enjoyment here when folks just line behind an OP (woman), take her side of the story, and relentlessly dump on her DH/BF or S/O. LOL, I don't think it's very funny actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

Yep welcome to parenthood. The needs of both parents come after the kids’ needs, and you feel taken for granted because that is what kids do. It isn’t a reciprocal relationship- until much much later, if truly ever.

well, our kids are 18, 15 and 13 so we're not exactly "new" to this.

NP to take this from here in a different direction. I'm assuming this is a dad of teens. Dad, the teens are really hard on a mom. I do agree that if you just hold on, it will get better.

[Anonymous]

He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him . . . which makes him angry and hostile . . .

Circle of life.

[Anonymous]

I can help you with that if he won't.

Please... I am 5’6”, 295lbs. How can I contact you

You sound hot. I am two inches taller than you (yeah!!!!) and about 45 lbs heavier (so - HWP).

I want you. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

I’m sure they do, and the “shut up man baby” is quite often - though not always- deserved. All too often I see wives who are working full time, shouldering a majority of the house/childcare, maintaining most outside relationships (often with DHS family too) and then you have the husband whining “but what about meeeeeeee, waaah I’m so neglected..” It is as if they are jealous of their own children. 90% of the time the problem is that the DH isn’t doing enough (and they want massive praise for the little that they actually do)- look at all of the threads on DCUM. People should think much harder before having multiple kids (and dogs!)- of course it means less free time for the adults in the household.

that attitude a big part of the problem here - along with buying into pretty much a one-sided story of what the woman posts.

Well it is DCUM, an online forum. Of course we will address an OP and try to help with the problem as described- and the OPs on this forum are generally women. We aren’t exactly going to call the DH up on the phone and ask for his side. Lol. The other party can seek their own advice.

but being circumspect and objective should be pretty easy to do but it seems that there is more enjoyment here when folks just line behind an OP (woman), take her side of the story, and relentlessly dump on her DH/BF or S/O. LOL, I don't think it's very funny actually.

Again, we are here to answer OPs post as it is presented to us. It’s an advice forum not marriage counseling and we don’t care about being “fair” to anyone, frankly (whether it’s is the OP or her spouse). We do often ask many clarifying questions to get more information to be able to provide a thoughtful response. OPS are very often flames as well. it varies.

Yes LOL indeed. If you want some sort of unbiased marriage counseling- hire someone. this isn’t it. It’s an online forum intended mostly for fun and amusement- with occasional glimmers of helpful advice. And if you are on long enough you will be flamed and criticized (as your are doing to me). You can’t get bitter and have hurt feelings over it (which I’m guessing is the case with you). Odds are you posted a complaint about your wife and didn’t like the advice you got. It happens, move on.

[Anonymous]

Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.

My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.

I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?

BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.

Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.

My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.

I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?

BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.

Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.

So common and a great description with the food example. Good post. I think most DHs are this way, in most things. Then again, so am I, in some areas: like car maintenance..I don’t know when things are supposed to be done but am happy to take the car for an oil change if DH asks. But it is not generally something I’d think of on my own (at least not as often as I should). So it does go both ways, but childcare/house stuff is so constant...especially in the early years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.

My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.

I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?

BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.

Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.

So common and a great description with the food example. Good post. I think most DHs are this way, in most things. Then again, so am I, in some areas: like car maintenance..I don’t know when things are supposed to be done but am happy to take the car for an oil change if DH asks. But it is not generally something I’d think of on my own (at least not as often as I should). So it does go both ways, but childcare/house stuff is so constant...especially in the early years

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages, even marriages of equals (including mine). My DH pulls his weight and then some. He literally walks in at night, rolls up his sleeves, heads to do dishes, then hangs with the kids. And he does think ahead about some things - house stuff, travel stuff, date nights, etc.

But the day to day of the kids - when to switch out their summer clothes for winter, when (and who) to send birthday invites to, remembering to schedule doctor's appointments and parent/teacher conferences, a million other things - falls on me, as it does on 98% of the moms I know. It actually doesn't really bother me, but the mental load of parenting is a real thing. And my kids are well past toddlerhood (youngest about to be 6).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

I’m sure they do, and the “shut up man baby” is quite often - though not always- deserved. All too often I see wives who are working full time, shouldering a majority of the house/childcare, maintaining most outside relationships (often with DHS family too) and then you have the husband whining “but what about meeeeeeee, waaah I’m so neglected..” It is as if they are jealous of their own children. 90% of the time the problem is that the DH isn’t doing enough (and they want massive praise for the little that they actually do)- look at all of the threads on DCUM. People should think much harder before having multiple kids (and dogs!)- of course it means less free time for the adults in the household.

LOL thanks for proving my point for me.

Everything you said was completely predictable and has been said 1000x on DCUM before.

Which does not, by the way, make it true.