whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Two issues-

1. He is intelligent, controlling, and dominant yet still passive if that makes sense. It wasn’t clear to me what this looked like for awhile but I’ve figured it out. He will act very easy going but actually has a very clear idea of how he wants things to go and will act out passive aggressively if this does not happen. Conflict avoidant which leads to breakdown in communication.

2. I resent him being socially kind of awkward. Doesn’t have friends unless through me. Never does hobbies or initiates activities. Does not bring much fun to our relationship. Very serious and worries a lot about health and money (neither of which we have issues with).

[Anonymous]

Same to different parenting styles/philosophies. Neurotic vs. laid back on different parenting issues. Tough because we each carried a child (2 women) so there are perceived and real favoritisms happening for the child that we carried. In retrospect maybe we shouldn't have done it that way.

Not enough time to spend on each other as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

Should say hidden until after we got married and had kids. Then it all came out!

I'm confused. Can you give a specific example? How could you not realize your values differed or your spouse has Asberger's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introvert/Extrovert

DH wants to be a homebody and be quiet together. I am non stop chit chat and busy! Hanging out quietly together is not my idea of a good time (unless we are having sex while the kids are napping and trying to keep it down).

Ours is also this, but in a different way. I value my 'village' and find joy in being part of a large social circle. DH is friendly enough, but would be content spending all of his time with me and our kids. I appreciate it sometimes (I like quiet nights at home as well) but we have been dropped from friend groups etc because hosting things stresses him out so much, he never wants to go out with the guys (this would be like, once every month or two to watch a game, not to a strip club nightly), he doesn't understand my allegiance to my friends and my sadness when these issues arise, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

Should say hidden until after we got married and had kids. Then it all came out!

I'm confused. Can you give a specific example? How could you not realize your values differed or your spouse has Asberger's?

You would have to have a better understanding of ASD, but it is well-known that the pressures of real adult life, specifically rearing and providing for children, can make previously "hidden" ASD and ADHD interfere. Meaning, therapies and tools that were learned earlier and employed through childhood and early adulthood are no longer adequate. My DH is case in point. He was very sweet, generous, and loving. After a loss of twins from premature labor, loss of job, and other things that we encounter as adults, he became a controlling, narcissistic horrible husband and very distant father (his kids think he's a complete freak). Nothing like who he was in his twenties, when we got married.

[Anonymous]

Inlaw issues. DH just won't discuss things with them. Even simple things that DH and I discussed. For instance we agree we want to visit first weekend in November. The week we're supposed to leave and DH still hasn't told his parents we're coming. It gets really ridiculous. I've 100% stepped away and refuse to discuss with inlaws. I've put it all on DH's shoulders per our counselor but have seen no improvement.

[Anonymous]

He likes stability and sameness. I crave adventure and novelty. We meet each other half way.

[Anonymous]

Spouse has become more conservative. Suffers from white male fragility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

"We disagree about everything but I didn't know that until after we got married."

Uh huh. Not exactly credible.

[Anonymous]

I'm a planner and he is not. I like to clean as I go and keep things uncluttered and he is a bit of a pack rat who has trouble keeping track of things (but is happy to do a weekly deep clean, which I hate). We both have anxiety that manifests in very different ways (I avoid/deny/self-medicate, he panics). Classic opposites attract. I don't think I would have fallen in love with him and continue to love him as much as I do if we were the same, but we have worked through real challenges due to our core differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a planner and he is not. I like to clean as I go and keep things uncluttered and he is a bit of a pack rat who has trouble keeping track of things (but is happy to do a weekly deep clean, which I hate). We both have anxiety that manifests in very different ways (I avoid/deny/self-medicate, he panics). Classic opposites attract. I don't think I would have fallen in love with him and continue to love him as much as I do if we were the same, but we have worked through real challenges due to our core differences.

SAME! I love keeping things looking uncluttered. Then I'll come into the basement and he is doing what he calls an 'audit' and literally has every toy on the floor and is sorting. I realize some husbands wouldn't do this at all, but it gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I had an epiphany today actually that there are 3 key ingredients to an everlasting marriage: 1) good communication; 2) sex and 3) intimacy. We have lost intimacy, and that’s the poison right now eating at the connection.

All these sexless marriages, hers’s a tip: be kind and nice and try to work on the intimacy, being gentle, thoughtful, like when you first started dating, because no woman wants to sit next to you let alone have sex if you don’t show you care about your wife, apologize when you are wrong, own up to it, and don’t take your wife for granted.

this is sound advice and it goes both ways. believe it or not, some wives out there can be just as dim as men when it comes to realizing the obvious things that keep the marriage/relationship strong and moving forward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

"We disagree about everything but I didn't know that until after we got married."

Uh huh. Not exactly credible.

I believe it. My XH was not controlling or contrary until day 3 of our honeymoon. I guess he felt comfortable then. So did his family. His parents asked for a key to put the wedding gifts in our apartment while we were honeymooning. They left the wedding gifts, but also all of his childhood crap, and a stack of the CC bills that his mom had secretly paid up to that point.

[Anonymous]

feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two issues-

1. He is intelligent, controlling, and dominant yet still passive if that makes sense. It wasn’t clear to me what this looked like for awhile but I’ve figured it out. He will act very easy going but actually has a very clear idea of how he wants things to go and will act out passive aggressively if this does not happen. Conflict avoidant which leads to breakdown in communication.

2. I resent him being socially kind of awkward. Doesn’t have friends unless through me. Never does hobbies or initiates activities. Does not bring much fun to our relationship. Very serious and worries a lot about health and money (neither of which we have issues with).

Wow. You just described my DH.