How many hours are you responsible for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

But doesn't the SAHP usually grocery shop? Do the laundry? Drop off the dry cleaning? I SAH with four kids, and I normally do all of that. Sometimes DH goes to the dry cleaner himself, and he is definitely willing to throw in a load of laundry or pick up something at the grocery store, but I think it's pretty common for the SAHP to take care of most household admin tasks.

There are definitely many posts by SAHMs on here about how overwhelmed they are, they can barely find time to shower, they are struggling with running around all day after a 1 year old and keeping them safe and just can't get everything done. If they told us their husband has a list of things he wants done and they just can't get to it - I doubt people would be telling her to shape up and just get done whatever it is her husband wants done around the house - that depressed or overwhelmed or not, she is expected to run around after the kid all day, get all the household work done, fulfill her husbands list of things like getting the lawn mowed and oh - she should also be job hunting and going on interviews and getting a job while doing this too.

Because for years, women were the SAHP who was responsible for household chores/child care. Men came home from work and wanted a break after a long day and couldn't understand why their wives felt they also needed one despite being home all day. They could not appreciate the exhausting effort their wives put into keeping the household running each day while they were at work.

Now that the roles are reversed in many cases, instead of trying to not treat their husbands the same way women were treated all those years, many women instead just do the same thing that husbands did. Those women are no better.

Maybe, maybe not. I’m wondering what her DH does do, specifically. When I was a SAHM i certainly did the bulk of the cooking/household chores but DH did far from nothing. He was always happy to stop at the store for me on the way home work if I needed something, would take over with the kids while finished dinner, do baths while I cleaned up dinner. If he saw things that needed to be done- a spill, a full trash can, etc etc- he’d just do it. He knew I was doing most of it but couldn’t be expected to do 100%. He also did the lawn/yard, snow removal etc which is more work than people think of they’ve never done it. He was really doing quite a lot when you really add it up. He certainty wasn’t coming home from work and putting his feet up while I run around doing everything else. It could be that the DH is doing nothing, and it could be that OPs expectations are out of whack (and she expects the DH to do 100% of house stuff). Hard to say.

[Anonymous]

OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

[Anonymous]

How is he with the toddler? Is he engaging her all day (reading, taking her to the park, playgroup whatever), and loving and patient?

Neither of us have ever SAH but IF my DH was doing the above I’d be happy with him as long as (1) he handled food- shopping for it, cooking dinner (simple is fine) and (2) was generally picking up after himself and the toddler. I wouldn’t want to come home to a disaster or a sink full of nasty dishes etc.

Laundry For three is easy- i’d Just do it one weeknight and on Sunday. I do this as a WOHM anyway and there are 5 of us.

I hate cleaning but I do most of it as a WOHM anyway. I can knock it out on a Sat or Sun AM and hand out tasks to everyone and they help.

My DH does nearly all of the cooking and related shopping which is why the above works for us. He has the groceries delivered.

We each do some “administrative” stuff- bill paying, appointments, handling kids school etc. we divide it up.

Could you come up with a similar arrangement? If he could handle shopping and cooking, the rest of this doesn’t take you much time- as long as he isn’t a slob . If you need an errand run like the dry cleaning just be super specific and ask nicely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

Oh just hell no! I’d tell him to pick cooking or cleaning, one or the other, NOW. That is bullshit. I could do dinner if he cleaned, or I could clean if he did dinner but no WAY would I do both. I’d give him an ultimatum about finding a job if I were you. Tell him that DC need social interaction at her age, and needs to be in childcare at least part time. At the least. And he needs to get a job to cover the cost. Maybe working and getting out more will snap him out of this funk??? You really can’t leave because you’d be stuck paying child support (and probably childcare)

Ugh I am sorry op. He needs a job. Yesterday. even if it is retail etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

Oh just hell no! I’d tell him to pick cooking or cleaning, one or the other, NOW. That is bullshit. I could do dinner if he cleaned, or I could clean if he did dinner but no WAY would I do both. I’d give him an ultimatum about finding a job if I were you. Tell him that DC need social interaction at her age, and needs to be in childcare at least part time. At the least. And he needs to get a job to cover the cost. Maybe working and getting out more will snap him out of this funk??? You really can’t leave because you’d be stuck paying child support (and probably childcare)

Ugh I am sorry op. He needs a job. Yesterday. even if it is retail etc.

Total BS. He can drive for Uber. Well, after the tire gets fixed. When I worked PT not only did I do most of the house work with a toddler at home...I took the little guy to library story time etc.

He for sure needs to be screened for Depression. And then get help if that's the problem. As someone with this issue- it is really hard but I know I owe it to my kids and DH to at least keep trying to get better.

[Anonymous]

If I were you my primary concern would be your DD. He needs to get a job to cover st least part time childcare. Start looking now. for both. and make him get screened for depression I agree.

At least DD will be getting more socialization and he won’t be making a disaster of the house all day. Also maybe it will help DH with the (presumed) depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

And why do you want to keep the pet dog if you’re already married to dog?

Does your husband want a divorce? And maybe some alimony?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in the tightest labor market the world has ever seen.

If someone doesn't have a job after a year, it is because they do not want one.

If I were you, I would start thinking about harvesting this guy's organs, because that may be all he is good for.

Does not translate to a high salary though. Most people are barely making it and day care costs are also enormous.

OP,
Ditch the dog first - the 4 legged kind. Why did you have a baby with this man-child? Do you have no concept of birth-control?
He will not change. Do you think divorce will make your situation better?

[Anonymous]

Has he been to a so for about depression.

He is unemployed and knows his wife is very unhappy about it. He is at home alone with a one year old all day. He isn't getting much done at home and deals with OPs wrath about that. He isn't providing or living up to his wife's expectations as a man, husband, or father. He really has nothing goin for him right now.

Either he is a man with no ambition, no expectations for himself, no consideration of others or he is depressed. If the former- why marry and have a child with someone who has no redeeming qualities?

[Anonymous]

Can’t pick and choose equal rights...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

Disconnect the wifi and his cell service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

Disconnect the wifi and his cell service.

But what if he enjoys the improvisational, wander-where-thou-wilt freedom afford by the 'Net? And what if the household chores you find so instinctual and satisfying are, for him, a bore or even drudgery? Same thing with laundry and cooking. What if he doesn't feel connected with those kinds of activities?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this sounds like hell OP. You can’t move an immovable object. You move forward.

This whole idea that partners have different priorities is flawed. Feeding your kids a healthy meal is above gaming time, pedicures. Etc...

This is don’t eat your boogers parenting. Your DH is likely eating his own boogers.

He’s counting on you to do it all. Stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

Disconnect the wifi and his cell service.

But what if he enjoys the improvisational, wander-where-thou-wilt freedom afford by the 'Net? And what if the household chores you find so instinctual and satisfying are, for him, a bore or even drudgery? Same thing with laundry and cooking. What if he doesn't feel connected with those kinds of activities?

Wtf? I do laundry because I want clean clothes. I clean my home because I want a clean home. I cook because I want healthy food. Same for dh who did all these things on his own long before I ever met him. Responsible adults do these things even if they are boring. This goes double for responsible adults with kids.

[Anonymous]

You just sound angry and bitter. Get over yourself. Live in a messy house, prep meals on weekends and tidy during the week. I lived through the exact same situation except my dw was actually diagnosed with depression and adhd (something else he should get checked for). I picked up the lions share of the work as a result. Let go of the anger and get him a health check like everyone is suggesting.