How many hours are you responsible for?

[Anonymous]

I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

But doesn't the SAHP usually grocery shop? Do the laundry? Drop off the dry cleaning? I SAH with four kids, and I normally do all of that. Sometimes DH goes to the dry cleaner himself, and he is definitely willing to throw in a load of laundry or pick up something at the grocery store, but I think it's pretty common for the SAHP to take care of most household admin tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many hours? From the second the kids are awake until they go to sleep. DH and I are both equally caring for them, cooking, cleaning, errands... There is no free time. I do go to dinner with my friends once a week and we have a date night once a week. This was what we wanted when we chose to have kids though. I LOVE being around my kids.

This is us too. There's a set of tasks that have to be completed every day (dressing kids, feeding kids, cleaning up after kids, etc.) and we just do the stuff that needs to be done until the kids are in bed.

When DW and I took our respective parental leaves it is true that the at home parent wanted a break from watching the child when the other got home. However, it was only a break from watching the child, the at home parent would do other stuff such as cooking dinner, folding laundry or whatever else until the tasks were done.

Pretty much this. When kids are under 5 or so (and certainly with a toddler) there is little or no free time for either parent until kids are in bed for the night. At least on weekdays. That’s just the way it is, and I’ve both WOHM and SAHM. I’d pretty much get this expectation out of BOTH of your heads (yours and DHs). Yes sometimes one of us would be bathing the kids etc but the other parent was cleaning up the kitchen etc. Not having free time. That happened after the kids were in bed or in the weekends when we switch off- or when we get a sitter.

[Anonymous]

We really need a martyrs forum. Maybe call it "venting" so it's more palatable but we will all know its just whining

[Anonymous]

We are in the tightest labor market the world has ever seen.

If someone doesn't have a job after a year, it is because they do not want one.

If I were you, I would start thinking about harvesting this guy's organs, because that may be all he is good for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

But doesn't the SAHP usually grocery shop? Do the laundry? Drop off the dry cleaning? I SAH with four kids, and I normally do all of that. Sometimes DH goes to the dry cleaner himself, and he is definitely willing to throw in a load of laundry or pick up something at the grocery store, but I think it's pretty common for the SAHP to take care of most household admin tasks.

+1. DH would have probably been annoyed if I watched the kids but did literally nothing else and demanded two hours (!!!) of daily alone time. Ha! Two hours a week maybe.

[Anonymous]

All of them. I'm responsible for all of them. As is DH.

[Anonymous]

How much money do you people recommending daycare make? Do you have any idea how much daycare is for a toddler? I don't know too many people who can afford daycare on ONE income.

Be realistic, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

But doesn't the SAHP usually grocery shop? Do the laundry? Drop off the dry cleaning? I SAH with four kids, and I normally do all of that. Sometimes DH goes to the dry cleaner himself, and he is definitely willing to throw in a load of laundry or pick up something at the grocery store, but I think it's pretty common for the SAHP to take care of most household admin tasks.

There are definitely many posts by SAHMs on here about how overwhelmed they are, they can barely find time to shower, they are struggling with running around all day after a 1 year old and keeping them safe and just can't get everything done. If they told us their husband has a list of things he wants done and they just can't get to it - I doubt people would be telling her to shape up and just get done whatever it is her husband wants done around the house - that depressed or overwhelmed or not, she is expected to run around after the kid all day, get all the household work done, fulfill her husbands list of things like getting the lawn mowed and oh - she should also be job hunting and going on interviews and getting a job while doing this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

But doesn't the SAHP usually grocery shop? Do the laundry? Drop off the dry cleaning? I SAH with four kids, and I normally do all of that. Sometimes DH goes to the dry cleaner himself, and he is definitely willing to throw in a load of laundry or pick up something at the grocery store, but I think it's pretty common for the SAHP to take care of most household admin tasks.

+1. DH would have probably been annoyed if I watched the kids but did literally nothing else and demanded two hours (!!!) of daily alone time. Ha! Two hours a week maybe.

She said he two hours was to do job hunting. That isn't a break. You can't go on interviews with a one year old no matter how much people expect men to always just do it all and suck it up and never complain or share any feelings.

[Anonymous]

My husband is currently unemployed, and has been for over a year.

Maybe he doesn't enjoy working and therefore doesn't want to be "employed." Always important to consider the perspective of others. #empathy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work. my wife stays at home. If she was like your DH and not getting the domestic stuff done, I would be pissed she wasn't pulling her weight. There can be tough days with a one year old but not every day.

Also, the SAHD role almost never works and this is why. Even when done well, women look at him as unemployed.

That's because OP's dh is not fulfilling the responsibilities of a sahp. In most cases, the sahp (unless otherwise agreed) does the lion's share of the household work.

Post-kids, my husband was a sahd for 10 years. He did 65% of the childcare work and 95% of the household work. He did the hh stuff during the day when I was work so that we could relax as a family during the weekend. I definitely did not look at him as being unemployed. He was a full partner in making sure our family life worked well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

Employment is defined as "the state of having paid work". A SAHM is a mother. She is unemployed. Being a SAHM is simply a lifestyle choice.

If you actually read anything the OP posted you would see that even though her husband is unemployed he is not doing anything in the household. A SAHM typically takes care of the household duties. If the husband wants to be a SAHP then he should be taking care of household duties.

OP your husband is maybe depressed however this is grossly unfair that you have to work full time and take care of the entire household as well. I would be sitting down and having one hell of a conversation with your husband. It's time he picked up the slack or goes to see a doctor for a check up.

OMG. If they had that child in daycare or with a nanny, those childcare providers would certainly qualify is "working". A parent caring for a child this young is working -- they are just not getting paid for it.

[Anonymous]

Op is your husband doing any chores (cleaning, cooking, errands) at all? Maybe you can describe further- it would be helpful.

When I was a SAHM I did nearly all the cleaning and laundry ((and the cooking during the week) but my DH certainly still did some of the things you describe- Mowed the lawn, took out the trash, some errands (particularly non kid friendly ones). Mostly on the weekends.

I’m just wondering exactly how little he is doing- does he do the laundry? Some cleaning? Fix dinner? Just trying to get a more accurate picture (like is he doing none of it, or just not all of it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

But doesn't the SAHP usually grocery shop? Do the laundry? Drop off the dry cleaning? I SAH with four kids, and I normally do all of that. Sometimes DH goes to the dry cleaner himself, and he is definitely willing to throw in a load of laundry or pick up something at the grocery store, but I think it's pretty common for the SAHP to take care of most household admin tasks.

There are definitely many posts by SAHMs on here about how overwhelmed they are, they can barely find time to shower, they are struggling with running around all day after a 1 year old and keeping them safe and just can't get everything done. If they told us their husband has a list of things he wants done and they just can't get to it - I doubt people would be telling her to shape up and just get done whatever it is her husband wants done around the house - that depressed or overwhelmed or not, she is expected to run around after the kid all day, get all the household work done, fulfill her husbands list of things like getting the lawn mowed and oh - she should also be job hunting and going on interviews and getting a job while doing this too.

Because for years, women were the SAHP who was responsible for household chores/child care. Men came home from work and wanted a break after a long day and couldn't understand why their wives felt they also needed one despite being home all day. They could not appreciate the exhausting effort their wives put into keeping the household running each day while they were at work.

Now that the roles are reversed in many cases, instead of trying to not treat their husbands the same way women were treated all those years, many women instead just do the same thing that husbands did. Those women are no better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in the tightest labor market the world has ever seen.

If someone doesn't have a job after a year, it is because they do not want one.

If I were you, I would start thinking about harvesting this guy's organs, because that may be all he is good for.

+a million. Well, not to the organ harvesting, but to the other stuff.

He could have had 10 retail jobs by now. Go work at Starbucks FFS. Isn't minimum wage like $15 an hour? That would cover at least some form of child care, and he could stagger his shift so he has a couple hours in the day to job hunt.