How many hours are you responsible for?

[Anonymous]

When I stayed home with the baby, I took 12 credits in college, got A in all classes, did everything around the house except paying bills. Then I got a FT internship and was still doing everything thing at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am increasingly resentful of how much I'm responsible for in my marriage. We have a one-year old.
My husband is currently unemployed, and has been for over a year.

I added everything up-- commuting, working, caring for my child at specific times so my husband can have time to job search, grocery shopping, cooking, paying all the bills, cleaning, laundry. It came out to 70 hours a week. With getting 40 hours of sleep in M-F (ha!), that leaves only 10 hours for everything else- getting showered and dressed, eating meals, etc.


What does the division of labor look like in your house? How many hours are "spoken for" during Monday-Friday? Is this what everyone does?

I'm not exercising or taking care of myself in any meaningful way. I am so, so angry all the time.

Weekends aren't restful. They're just for catching up on everything.

Your husband should be looking for a job, but as a former stay-at-home dad, I'll say that if he is handling child care for a 1-year-old all day, that counts as hours for him. If he isn't handling the child care all day, his butt should be out looking for work. And he should be doing most of the cooking, grocery shopping, etc.

Resentment is very damaging to marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t expect anyone (including DH) to get anything done while watching a toddler. He is also likely depressed or at a minimum facing a severely bruised ego because he isn’t getting interviews. Let things like the x-box go. What is going to happen if the lawn waits for another day? You have a 1 year old...this is survival time. Not everything has to get done now. For those that do, make a list, discuss it with DH rather than being a martyr and just doing it with a huge chip on your shoulder. You sound very controlling and judgmental. Flip it around, you get to sit at your desk, talk to coworkers, likely search the internet while DH is dealing with a 1 year old. Trust me, work is easier.

I am about 50-50 on this. ... There's no question that he isn't making the best use of his time -- while the 1-year-old naps, he should be calling the plumber to set up an appointment, and he could even cut the lawn if it's not too much. When the 1-year-old is awake he could go get the drycleaning taken care of or take the car in for the tire fix.

However, being home with a 1-year-old is EXHAUSTING, and it's harder on a man. I can't tell you all the sexist things I used to hear when I'd be out with my toddler "Oh, is it Daddy's day with Annie today?" I would simply explain that every day is Daddy's day with Annie. Most of his friends, probably all of them, have jobs and careers and I suspect he is clinically depressed.

But keep in mind that there were many, many days I would have traded places with my wife in a minute when she would complain about the stress at work, or god forbid the business trips. Not interested in how busy that trip to San Francisico was while I was cleaning up vomit in the car and dealing with a sick toddler at home.

So I would say a) understand that his caring for your child has value; b) try to point out how he can make better use of his time; and c) most importantly, I'd have him try to be seen my a mental health professional, if only to vent or be diagnosed for possible depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I stayed home with the baby, I took 12 credits in college, got A in all classes, did everything around the house except paying bills. Then I got a FT internship and was still doing everything thing at home.

Are you a woman? Men usually do what they think is important. Brain is wired differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I stayed home with the baby, I took 12 credits in college, got A in all classes, did everything around the house except paying bills. Then I got a FT internship and was still doing everything thing at home.

Are you a woman? Men usually do what they think is important. Brain is wired differently.

I think is a very good point. Men do things differently (mine certainly would) but her DH sounds depressed to me.

Mine wouldn’t be interested in story hours and playgroups, but he’d take her to the park a lot (or indoor play place in winter), put her in the stroller and walk or run, maybe take her to the zoo, run errands/shop etc. not exactly the same things I do but he would be out and about with her- not just ignoring her and playing video games KWIM?

My DH doesn’t care much about cleaning either, but would add value in other ways (yard/lawn, projects around the house- painting, repairs, improvements, auto care etc)- not just play video games.

Mine also doesn’t cook the way I would but would recognize frozen crap isn’t healthy for every meal. He’d probably grill chicken, make steaks, or serve chili most nights with bagged salad or a nuked veggie. Maybe tacos. (fine as long as I don’t do have to cook it ha! I’d make other stuff on weekends)

I’d still end up doing most of the cleaning but would guilt him into doing the laundry or at least some of it.

To me, her DH isn’t just “doing things differently” like maybe my DH would, he is doing NOTHING. He is either depressed or incredibly lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I stayed home with the baby, I took 12 credits in college, got A in all classes, did everything around the house except paying bills. Then I got a FT internship and was still doing everything thing at home.

Are you a woman? Men usually do what they think is important. Brain is wired differently.

I’m a woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I used to work PT. On my days off with a one year old it is reasonable to: grocery shop, laundry, light house cleaning, dog care, taking the car to get a tire patched and dry cleaning errands.
Mowing actually isn't possible b.c it's not safe to have the kid around and you won't be able to hear them if they wake up from nap even with a monitor. I used to do quiet yardwork like manually pulling weeds so I could hear him.

correct. it is NOT clear how OP's spouse is spending his/her time during the day. 1 yos are super portable and not racing all around.

is s/he just not organized or good at planning out a day or week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM who left a great job and career to raise my kids. I am also highly educated (and so is my high earning DH), so it made sense that my kids would be raised by a parent who is highly educated and not someone else.

. . . .

OP, I think your resentment is coming from your DH being unemployed, rather than a division of labor. If he is at home with the baby, those are working hours. He is not putting less hours at work than you.

whoa there Nellie...

you left out the highly conceited part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much money do you people recommending daycare make? Do you have any idea how much daycare is for a toddler? I don't know too many people who can afford daycare on ONE income.

Be realistic, people.

fulltime daycare is $40,000 inside the beltway, half days are $20,000 per child, ages 3 mos to 4 yo+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. His idea of taking care of our DC is plopping her in the living room with toys while he plays video games or reads reddit on his phone.
I come home to dishes in the sink. Clean clothes unfolded and un put away. Our bed sheets are never washed unless I do it. His cooking consists of heating up chicken nuggets, or frozen pizza. The only time we eat vegetables is if I cook them. And I do- I cook a meal almost every day.
I am pissed.

oh no way.

has he always been this immature? did you guys live together before but you didn't realize you were doing everything or eating out constantly? did his roommates make any slob jokes?

[Anonymous]

When I was home with our toddler and lamented I didn’t get anything done that day (except clean up after and entertain a toddler!) my dh would say: is the baby happy and healthy? And I’d say yes, and he say ‘well then that’s all that matters’ and he’d eat whatever crappy dinner I threw together and clean the kitchen.

Have some grace, op. These are tough times with a double whammy of a baby and a lay-off but they will pass. That’s what marriage is about is weathering these storms. This hours accounting has got to stop.