Wife is interested in opening up our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older I get, the more I think it just comes down to how sexually jealous a person is. It's probably hard-wired at some level. As someone who just isn't that sexually jealous, if my wife came to me about wanting to open the marriage, I would be game for the discussion. Even if she cheated, I can't see the headache of divorce being worth it. And the folks on here who chime on about infidelity is worse than physical abuse, it just makes no sense to me. I know I am not alone on this.

OP, if the thought of your wife with someone else causes revulsion, there is probably no real solution other than to hope your wife can cover her tracks.

I agree with this. The difference is they are of childbearing age. While I agree I could pretty easily forgive cheating, it would be a whole different ballgame if cheating resulted in a pregnancy. That’s something that would affect my children, that would change my family in ways I did not want. Being older almost completely takes that out of the equation. I think that’s why younger people are more jealous than older ones. The consequences are much more severe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you sense that she has exposed her undercarriage to the night air?, i.e., taken up with a paramour, yet?

Answer this, please.

Looks as though he did on page 1.

Wasn't certain OP was indicating the lady's nether regions had been, as the saying goes, exposed to the night air. But maybe that was indeed the point.

When the f did anyone ever, anywhere say this? Ugh. What's wrong with you, perving on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older I get, the more I think it just comes down to how sexually jealous a person is. It's probably hard-wired at some level. As someone who just isn't that sexually jealous, if my wife came to me about wanting to open the marriage, I would be game for the discussion. Even if she cheated, I can't see the headache of divorce being worth it. And the folks on here who chime on about infidelity is worse than physical abuse, it just makes no sense to me. I know I am not alone on this.

OP, if the thought of your wife with someone else causes revulsion, there is probably no real solution other than to hope your wife can cover her tracks.

I agree with this. The difference is they are of childbearing age. While I agree I could pretty easily forgive cheating, it would be a whole different ballgame if cheating resulted in a pregnancy. That’s something that would affect my children, that would change my family in ways I did not want. Being older almost completely takes that out of the equation. I think that’s why younger people are more jealous than older ones. The consequences are much more severe.

Good point, our three rules have always been: 1) no pregnancies, 2) no diseases and 3) don't do anything to embarrass the family.

We are both medically incapable of #1 now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you sense that she has exposed her undercarriage to the night air?, i.e., taken up with a paramour, yet?

Answer this, please.

Looks as though he did on page 1.

Wasn't certain OP was indicating the lady's nether regions had been, as the saying goes, exposed to the night air. But maybe that was indeed the point.

When the f did anyone ever, anywhere say this? Ugh. What's wrong with you, perving on the situation.

Beg your pardon? A lady exposing her nether regions, pant beard, undercarriage, etc. "to the night air" is common parlance.

[Anonymous]

Yawn. Plenty of people negotiate non-monogamy and keep the trust with their spouse.

DH and I were open for years and had some amazing times. We closed up no problem when we started trying for kids and are still monogamous. Hell, at this stage of life I'd be most jealous of a kid-free evening.

We'll probably open up again when life is less crazy. I have tons of killer memories to draw on in the meantime and the 1 on 1 sex with him is good.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

I agree with this. This is a fundamental sexual incompatibility. What OP sees as compromise that his wife should be happy with is, for her, probably the bare minimum she needs to not feel sexually dead. That doesn't mean that OP has to go along with it if it's really not his thing, but there's also probably nothing he can do to help his wife to be fully content in their marriage either because it's not about him--it's about who she is as a sexual being. You can't really turn off being a kinky/sexually adventurous person. As someone in this very same situation--kinky person who married young before I realized what I was and that it was going to be a fundamental incompatibility, I can tell you it sucks. I've not cheated, but it is absolutely a pretty corrosive thing in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What this always means: she's already banging some other guy and wants you to give her your approval to do so. Sorry, man.

Quoted for truth. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yawn. Plenty of people negotiate non-monogamy and keep the trust with their spouse.

DH and I were open for years and had some amazing times. We closed up no problem when we started trying for kids and are still monogamous. Hell, at this stage of life I'd be most jealous of a kid-free evening.

We'll probably open up again when life is less crazy. I have tons of killer memories to draw on in the meantime and the 1 on 1 sex with him is good.

A lot of men still cheat on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

I agree with this. This is a fundamental sexual incompatibility. What OP sees as compromise that his wife should be happy with is, for her, probably the bare minimum she needs to not feel sexually dead. That doesn't mean that OP has to go along with it if it's really not his thing, but there's also probably nothing he can do to help his wife to be fully content in their marriage either because it's not about him--it's about who she is as a sexual being. You can't really turn off being a kinky/sexually adventurous person. As someone in this very same situation--kinky person who married young before I realized what I was and that it was going to be a fundamental incompatibility, I can tell you it sucks. I've not cheated, but it is absolutely a pretty corrosive thing in our marriage.

FFS. Of course you can't "turn off" being a sexually adventurous person, but you can certainly control those impulses, just as you do any number of other impulses detrimental to a relationship.

I'd love to eat donuts and smoke cigarettes every night, but I don't. I'd love to quit my job and travel the world again, but I don't.

Why? Because I made promises to someone that I love and we have shared goals and dreams.

Those dreams require sacrifices to achieve.

OP's wife is acting like a 2 YO, thinking that she can have her cake and eat it too. Not the way the real world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

I agree with this. This is a fundamental sexual incompatibility. What OP sees as compromise that his wife should be happy with is, for her, probably the bare minimum she needs to not feel sexually dead. That doesn't mean that OP has to go along with it if it's really not his thing, but there's also probably nothing he can do to help his wife to be fully content in their marriage either because it's not about him--it's about who she is as a sexual being. You can't really turn off being a kinky/sexually adventurous person. As someone in this very same situation--kinky person who married young before I realized what I was and that it was going to be a fundamental incompatibility, I can tell you it sucks. I've not cheated, but it is absolutely a pretty corrosive thing in our marriage.

FFS. Of course you can't "turn off" being a sexually adventurous person, but you can certainly control those impulses, just as you do any number of other impulses detrimental to a relationship.

I'd love to eat donuts and smoke cigarettes every night, but I don't. I'd love to quit my job and travel the world again, but I don't.

Why? Because I made promises to someone that I love and we have shared goals and dreams.

Those dreams require sacrifices to achieve.

OP's wife is acting like a 2 YO, thinking that she can have her cake and eat it too. Not the way the real world works.

She's not acting like a 2 year old. She asked if he would consider it. She came to her husband with an avenue with which she wants to explore her sexuality to see if she could get his buy-in. That's pretty damn mature. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it not so. Not everyone considers monogamy a prerequisite for marriage, and a lot of us consider an ideal marriage to be one in which both parties have the freedom to flourish as individuals too. For a lot of us, the ability to be fully realized in our sexuality is part of that. If you don't understand that, that's fine, but, if that's who you are, you can't just sweep it under the rug either.

To me, OP is the one acting like a 2-year old; I understand it, but it is still immature--if you know she's kinky, it shouldn't be a gigantic shock that she might be interested in swinging or some other type of ethical non-monogamy. But, given the shaming language he uses about her kinkiness, I would wager a bet that swinging is not so much her thing as she just wants the opportunity to be with someone who fully embraces her sexuality. There's nothing about an open marriage inherently harmful to their shared life together, if they are both on board. Now, since OP is not, his wife has some decisions to make. But, she's not wrong for asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

I agree with this. This is a fundamental sexual incompatibility. What OP sees as compromise that his wife should be happy with is, for her, probably the bare minimum she needs to not feel sexually dead. That doesn't mean that OP has to go along with it if it's really not his thing, but there's also probably nothing he can do to help his wife to be fully content in their marriage either because it's not about him--it's about who she is as a sexual being. You can't really turn off being a kinky/sexually adventurous person. As someone in this very same situation--kinky person who married young before I realized what I was and that it was going to be a fundamental incompatibility, I can tell you it sucks. I've not cheated, but it is absolutely a pretty corrosive thing in our marriage.

FFS. Of course you can't "turn off" being a sexually adventurous person, but you can certainly control those impulses, just as you do any number of other impulses detrimental to a relationship.

I'd love to eat donuts and smoke cigarettes every night, but I don't. I'd love to quit my job and travel the world again, but I don't.

Why? Because I made promises to someone that I love and we have shared goals and dreams.

Those dreams require sacrifices to achieve.

OP's wife is acting like a 2 YO, thinking that she can have her cake and eat it too. Not the way the real world works.

She's not acting like a 2 year old. She asked if he would consider it. She came to her husband with an avenue with which she wants to explore her sexuality to see if she could get his buy-in. That's pretty damn mature. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it not so. Not everyone considers monogamy a prerequisite for marriage, and a lot of us consider an ideal marriage to be one in which both parties have the freedom to flourish as individuals too. For a lot of us, the ability to be fully realized in our sexuality is part of that. If you don't understand that, that's fine, but, if that's who you are, you can't just sweep it under the rug either.

To me, OP is the one acting like a 2-year old; I understand it, but it is still immature--if you know she's kinky, it shouldn't be a gigantic shock that she might be interested in swinging or some other type of ethical non-monogamy. But, given the shaming language he uses about her kinkiness, I would wager a bet that swinging is not so much her thing as she just wants the opportunity to be with someone who fully embraces her sexuality. There's nothing about an open marriage inherently harmful to their shared life together, if they are both on board. Now, since OP is not, his wife has some decisions to make. But, she's not wrong for asking.

I agree that there's nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults agreeing to an open marriage.

However, obviously, OP and his spouse agreed that monogamy was a prerequisite to their marriage. Now she's apparently trying to go back on the lifelong commitment that she made in order to pursue her selfish impulses. That's immature and unfair at best, absurdly childish at worst.

I also challenge your assumption that the desire to be "fully realized in our sexuality" by having an open marriage is (a) somehow different from any other impulse, and (b) an innate feature beyond anyone's control.

On (a), it's no different than the urge to eat too many donuts, smoke cigarettes, or ride a motorcycle extremely fast. It's a primal urge from the lizard brain.

On (b), are you really such a slave to your desires? If so, I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yawn. Plenty of people negotiate non-monogamy and keep the trust with their spouse.

DH and I were open for years and had some amazing times. We closed up no problem when we started trying for kids and are still monogamous. Hell, at this stage of life I'd be most jealous of a kid-free evening.

We'll probably open up again when life is less crazy. I have tons of killer memories to draw on in the meantime and the 1 on 1 sex with him is good.

^^Not really a marriage but different stroke for different folks...

[Anonymous]

You suck and are a jerk for going through her phone, texts, emails , and facebook/social media.

Your insecurity makes you weak. I'm glad you found nothing.


She obviously trusts you, but here you are blasting her online and completely trashing her trust.

You don't deserve a flower like her.

[Anonymous]

To the poster above, if you think the urge to eat donuts or ride a motorcycle is similar in strength to libido, you don't have a libido.

People have risked stoning, isolation, disease, death and prison to satisfy sexual urges. I like Krispy Kreme but c'mon here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you sense that she has exposed her undercarriage to the night air?, i.e., taken up with a paramour, yet?

Answer this, please.

Looks as though he did on page 1.

Wasn't certain OP was indicating the lady's nether regions had been, as the saying goes, exposed to the night air. But maybe that was indeed the point.

When the f did anyone ever, anywhere say this? Ugh. What's wrong with you, perving on the situation.

Beg your pardon? A lady exposing her nether regions, pant beard, undercarriage, etc. "to the night air" is common parlance.

NP. Not that common. Never heard it before, myself.