Wife is interested in opening up our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you sense that she has exposed her undercarriage to the night air?, i.e., taken up with a paramour, yet?

Answer this, please.

Looks as though he did on page 1.

Wasn't certain OP was indicating the lady's nether regions had been, as the saying goes, exposed to the night air. But maybe that was indeed the point.

When the f did anyone ever, anywhere say this? Ugh. What's wrong with you, perving on the situation.

Beg your pardon? A lady exposing her nether regions, pant beard, undercarriage, etc. "to the night air" is common parlance.

Did you just drop in from 1850? Maybe you should go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you sense that she has exposed her undercarriage to the night air?, i.e., taken up with a paramour, yet?

Answer this, please.

Looks as though he did on page 1.

Wasn't certain OP was indicating the lady's nether regions had been, as the saying goes, exposed to the night air. But maybe that was indeed the point.

When the f did anyone ever, anywhere say this? Ugh. What's wrong with you, perving on the situation.

Beg your pardon? A lady exposing her nether regions, pant beard, undercarriage, etc. "to the night air" is common parlance.

I just googled “exposing undercarriage to night air” and this thread is the third result on the page, after two that were entirely irrelevant and unrelated to what you claim this means. So no, it’s not at all common, you freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster above, if you think the urge to eat donuts or ride a motorcycle is similar in strength to libido, you don't have a libido.

People have risked stoning, isolation, disease, death and prison to satisfy sexual urges. I like Krispy Kreme but c'mon here.

Clearly you have never had a good donut or watched a smoker try to quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s the problem with getting married so young.

Maybe, maybe not. But either way, they are mid-30s so she's hitting her hormone spike, and in about 10-15 years, she'll enter the ugly symptoms of peri-menopause, and the hormones will drop like a boulder and her libido with it. So, what to do in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster above, if you think the urge to eat donuts or ride a motorcycle is similar in strength to libido, you don't have a libido.

People have risked stoning, isolation, disease, death and prison to satisfy sexual urges. I like Krispy Kreme but c'mon here.

Clearly you have never had a good donut or watched a smoker try to quit.

Donut and cigs poster here. I have a healthy libido and an active imagination!

But I think it's foolish to suggest that sexual urges are materially different from other primal urges.

If willingness to risk negative result is your measuring stick, consider that millions of people are killing themselves with donuts and cigarettes every day. Far more than risk their lives with sexual behavior.

Bottom line, again, is that libido is something to be enjoyed but also something to be controlled.

If we become slaves to our desires, bad things happen.

[Anonymous]

If OP's spouse were gay, would everyone be slamming her for getting married, saying now she made her bed and has to lie in it?

OP and his DW don't seem well-matched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s the problem with getting married so young.

Maybe, maybe not. But either way, they are mid-30s so she's hitting her hormone spike, and in about 10-15 years, she'll enter the ugly symptoms of peri-menopause, and the hormones will drop like a boulder and her libido with it. So, what to do in the meantime?

This is not true for all women. If her libido is high now, it will stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP's spouse were gay, would everyone be slamming her for getting married, saying now she made her bed and has to lie in it?

OP and his DW don't seem well-matched.

Yup, I'd be saying she's an idiot for marrying someone of the opposite sex when she's gay.

50 or even 20 years ago, when societal norms were different, I'd have been a lot more understanding.

[Anonymous]

I'm not gonna read these 7 pages. Wife already met someone she wants to explore this with. I'm sure she'll say she hasn't, and OP will say she would never... but I don't buy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not gonna read these 7 pages. Wife already met someone she wants to explore this with. I'm sure she'll say she hasn't, and OP will say she would never... but I don't buy it.

And I'd bet the friend is the one setting her up with the guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

I agree with this. This is a fundamental sexual incompatibility. What OP sees as compromise that his wife should be happy with is, for her, probably the bare minimum she needs to not feel sexually dead. That doesn't mean that OP has to go along with it if it's really not his thing, but there's also probably nothing he can do to help his wife to be fully content in their marriage either because it's not about him--it's about who she is as a sexual being. You can't really turn off being a kinky/sexually adventurous person. As someone in this very same situation--kinky person who married young before I realized what I was and that it was going to be a fundamental incompatibility, I can tell you it sucks. I've not cheated, but it is absolutely a pretty corrosive thing in our marriage.

FFS. Of course you can't "turn off" being a sexually adventurous person, but you can certainly control those impulses, just as you do any number of other impulses detrimental to a relationship.

I'd love to eat donuts and smoke cigarettes every night, but I don't. I'd love to quit my job and travel the world again, but I don't.

Why? Because I made promises to someone that I love and we have shared goals and dreams.

Those dreams require sacrifices to achieve.

OP's wife is acting like a 2 YO, thinking that she can have her cake and eat it too. Not the way the real world works.

She's not acting like a 2 year old. She asked if he would consider it. She came to her husband with an avenue with which she wants to explore her sexuality to see if she could get his buy-in. That's pretty damn mature. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it not so. Not everyone considers monogamy a prerequisite for marriage, and a lot of us consider an ideal marriage to be one in which both parties have the freedom to flourish as individuals too. For a lot of us, the ability to be fully realized in our sexuality is part of that. If you don't understand that, that's fine, but, if that's who you are, you can't just sweep it under the rug either.

To me, OP is the one acting like a 2-year old; I understand it, but it is still immature--if you know she's kinky, it shouldn't be a gigantic shock that she might be interested in swinging or some other type of ethical non-monogamy. But, given the shaming language he uses about her kinkiness, I would wager a bet that swinging is not so much her thing as she just wants the opportunity to be with someone who fully embraces her sexuality. There's nothing about an open marriage inherently harmful to their shared life together, if they are both on board. Now, since OP is not, his wife has some decisions to make. But, she's not wrong for asking.

I agree that there's nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults agreeing to an open marriage.

However, obviously, OP and his spouse agreed that monogamy was a prerequisite to their marriage. Now she's apparently trying to go back on the lifelong commitment that she made in order to pursue her selfish impulses. That's immature and unfair at best, absurdly childish at worst.

I also challenge your assumption that the desire to be "fully realized in our sexuality" by having an open marriage is (a) somehow different from any other impulse, and (b) an innate feature beyond anyone's control.

On (a), it's no different than the urge to eat too many donuts, smoke cigarettes, or ride a motorcycle extremely fast. It's a primal urge from the lizard brain.

On (b), are you really such a slave to your desires? If so, I feel sorry for you.

Lots of people stumble into monogamy (and marriage for that matter) because it's what's expected or "normal" in society and not because they've taken the time to know themselves well and consider what type of commitment best suits their personality, needs and preferences. People are immature like that. Most people, I'd say. Especially people who marry in their early 20s. They often don't even know who they are yet. If they are lucky, they grow together. If they are not lucky, they grow apart. OP and his wife have to talk about who they are and how they have grown and changed and see if they still want to be together now, and what that looks like. OP needs to drop the shaming of his wife for discovering different interests, though he can be clear that it's not where he is or what he wants AT ALL. Maybe there's something else that can be just as fun and exciting for her that he feels better about. But they can't know that unless they talk about it, and they can't really talk about it if OP is going to punish her and be angry at her for the fact that they have to talk about it. Part of being deeply committed to another person is being willing to talk about what they want and what you want and how those things fit together (or don't). Which is not to say that he has to agree to open the marriage (he doesn't!). But if he's pissed that he even has to deal with the fact that his wife has desires different from his own, well, that's not great for a marriage. He can say he's hurt, he can say he's scared, he can say that in fact his deepest desires line up pretty well with the default social structure for sex and marriage and that he's concerned that this is a fundamental problem that they didn't recognize at the start of their marriage. And see if she says it's fundamental or it's something she just thought would be fun and a fair number of men would be excited about, so she took a shot. But if he's that opposed to it, then it's not something she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You suck and are a jerk for going through her phone, texts, emails , and facebook/social media.

Your insecurity makes you weak. I'm glad you found nothing.


She obviously trusts you, but here you are blasting her online and completely trashing her trust.

You don't deserve a flower like her.

This. +1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

OP, I just wanted to support you. Wife wanting to go "out" on the marriage is sick and gross. Going "out" on the marriage increases the risks of STD's.
People get killed over this stuff. It appears wife is into really fringe sex kind of stuff.

There are counselors that concentrate on sex issues. Maybe several counseling sessions with you and wife together in which you express
your concept of being married is one man and one woman.

I understand you being mad. When you signed up for marriage you signed up for one woman with one man.

I guess I just wanted to offer you support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

I agree with this. This is a fundamental sexual incompatibility. What OP sees as compromise that his wife should be happy with is, for her, probably the bare minimum she needs to not feel sexually dead. That doesn't mean that OP has to go along with it if it's really not his thing, but there's also probably nothing he can do to help his wife to be fully content in their marriage either because it's not about him--it's about who she is as a sexual being. You can't really turn off being a kinky/sexually adventurous person. As someone in this very same situation--kinky person who married young before I realized what I was and that it was going to be a fundamental incompatibility, I can tell you it sucks. I've not cheated, but it is absolutely a pretty corrosive thing in our marriage.

FFS. Of course you can't "turn off" being a sexually adventurous person, but you can certainly control those impulses, just as you do any number of other impulses detrimental to a relationship.

I'd love to eat donuts and smoke cigarettes every night, but I don't. I'd love to quit my job and travel the world again, but I don't.

Why? Because I made promises to someone that I love and we have shared goals and dreams.

Those dreams require sacrifices to achieve.

OP's wife is acting like a 2 YO, thinking that she can have her cake and eat it too. Not the way the real world works.

She's not acting like a 2 year old. She asked if he would consider it. She came to her husband with an avenue with which she wants to explore her sexuality to see if she could get his buy-in. That's pretty damn mature. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it not so. Not everyone considers monogamy a prerequisite for marriage, and a lot of us consider an ideal marriage to be one in which both parties have the freedom to flourish as individuals too. For a lot of us, the ability to be fully realized in our sexuality is part of that. If you don't understand that, that's fine, but, if that's who you are, you can't just sweep it under the rug either.

To me, OP is the one acting like a 2-year old; I understand it, but it is still immature--if you know she's kinky, it shouldn't be a gigantic shock that she might be interested in swinging or some other type of ethical non-monogamy. But, given the shaming language he uses about her kinkiness, I would wager a bet that swinging is not so much her thing as she just wants the opportunity to be with someone who fully embraces her sexuality. There's nothing about an open marriage inherently harmful to their shared life together, if they are both on board. Now, since OP is not, his wife has some decisions to make. But, she's not wrong for asking.

I agree that there's nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults agreeing to an open marriage.

However, obviously, OP and his spouse agreed that monogamy was a prerequisite to their marriage. Now she's apparently trying to go back on the lifelong commitment that she made in order to pursue her selfish impulses. That's immature and unfair at best, absurdly childish at worst.

I also challenge your assumption that the desire to be "fully realized in our sexuality" by having an open marriage is (a) somehow different from any other impulse, and (b) an innate feature beyond anyone's control.

On (a), it's no different than the urge to eat too many donuts, smoke cigarettes, or ride a motorcycle extremely fast. It's a primal urge from the lizard brain.

On (b), are you really such a slave to your desires? If so, I feel sorry for you.

Lots of people stumble into monogamy (and marriage for that matter) because it's what's expected or "normal" in society and not because they've taken the time to know themselves well and consider what type of commitment best suits their personality, needs and preferences. People are immature like that. Most people, I'd say. Especially people who marry in their early 20s. They often don't even know who they are yet. If they are lucky, they grow together. If they are not lucky, they grow apart. OP and his wife have to talk about who they are and how they have grown and changed and see if they still want to be together now, and what that looks like. OP needs to drop the shaming of his wife for discovering different interests, though he can be clear that it's not where he is or what he wants AT ALL. Maybe there's something else that can be just as fun and exciting for her that he feels better about. But they can't know that unless they talk about it, and they can't really talk about it if OP is going to punish her and be angry at her for the fact that they have to talk about it. Part of being deeply committed to another person is being willing to talk about what they want and what you want and how those things fit together (or don't). Which is not to say that he has to agree to open the marriage (he doesn't!). But if he's pissed that he even has to deal with the fact that his wife has desires different from his own, well, that's not great for a marriage. He can say he's hurt, he can say he's scared, he can say that in fact his deepest desires line up pretty well with the default social structure for sex and marriage and that he's concerned that this is a fundamental problem that they didn't recognize at the start of their marriage. And see if she says it's fundamental or it's something she just thought would be fun and a fair number of men would be excited about, so she took a shot. But if he's that opposed to it, then it's not something she needs.

Quoted PP. I agree that people grow, learn and change over time.

I also agree that people have different interests and desires, and that spouses should generally discuss and work together to achieve their wants.

However, these approaches only work when one is operating within the bounds of the marital covenant.

"I want to pursue a less lucrative but more fulfilling career" or even "I want to sail around the world" = don't judge, discuss.

"I can't be fulfilled unless I sleep with other people" = judge away. Frankly, the marriage was over the moment she made the suggestion, 'cause you can't unsay that. The marital agreement is broken and the trust will never return. And it's on her head.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. Most women do not want to be choked during
sex. That is fringe. Opening up the marriage to ultra fringe
sex can lead to a lot of dangerous situations. You would
open up your marriage to dudes who live in on the dark side. Creepy. Dangerous.