Wife had Affair with Coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reverse the sexes and people here would be calling the husband scum, and telling the wife to take him for everything. No one would be asking if she was a good wife, etc.

She’s a cheater, always will be. Have some dignity and leave.

Yes I have certainly noticed this double standard on these forums as well, and I would definitely consider leaving if the pain is too much to bear or you lose respect for her entirely. It will give you a chance to restart, though understandably it would be very disruptive for your family dynamic.

As far as telling the other spouse, I would refrain from doing so as well only if you are clean. I would, however, reconsider my stance if you/your
spouse got an STI. My reasoning stems from the fact that it is always possible that cheaters may have extramarital affairs with more than 1 person. Even if your wife was committed to this other guy, who knows who else he was sleeping with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inform the head of HR. That will end it!

Not necessarily. Does HR care if I'm sleeping with Bob from Accounting? Not really.

If Bob works for you they care of if you “work under” Bob!

Yep, agreed, but OP said nothing about one of the two supervising the other. All he said was they were colleagues. So, maybe HR will care. But not necessarily.

[Anonymous]

So, maybe HR will care. But not necessarily.

Having HR find out can only hurt the OP. If she gets fired (or reprimanded) for this issue, it will decrease her earning capacity.

OP needs her to still be able to earn a living if they get a divorce so that he is not stuck with spousal support (yes, I know that in VA adultery may diminish support, but that is not something to count on and he needs her to be able to contribute funds to raising the kids.)

If they stay together he needs her to be able to contribute at the same level she is now.

[Anonymous]

Op, this affair went on for *years* and your wife still works with the man. When your youngest child was in Kindergarten, your wife was sleeping with another man.

I think you should go to counseling, just yourself, before you try to work on saving your marriage. I also think that you should consult with an attorney now and find out what you need to do to protect yourself.

Your wife has some serious integrity issues. Recognize that.

[Anonymous]

She lied for years. You cannot take her word for it regarding anything having to do with the relationship - whether it's over, the level of risks with her health and yours that she took, anything. It's understandable that you're going to "I want to keep things together", but you probably don't have the full story yet, and there may yet be more cycles of her saying she's ending it (and maybe even temporarily doing so) and then going back. You need to set some boundaries, and one of those should be that she finds a new job. If she doesn't agree and then really commit to that, that's informative regarding how seriously she takes this marriage. Not that you have to leave if she won't find a new job, but it will help if you let go of the idea that you can, singlehandedly, restore this marriage. You can't.

[Anonymous]

You can bet that you are getting the sanitized, laundered version of the truth. Your wife is a liar.

[Anonymous]

^^ agree agree. Wife needs a new job at the very least. But outing her to HR isn't productive either if you want her to lose her job or if you don't. Because you don't know what HR is going to do.

Also agree that if this was a man there would be screaming for his head. I don't always agree that there is a double standard on this board, but whoa. This is one time I definitely agree that there is.

OP hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I get that it may seem spiteful to tell the offending partners spouse about the affair, but I keep coming back to putting myself in the position if I were the unaware spouse, I would want to know.

Would I want to know about an ongoing affair so that it would end? Yes. An affair in the past? I am not sure. That is a lot of pain and if my DH has moved on then I am not sure any good comes from knowing.

NP here and I'd hardly say this affair is in the past if it supposedly ended in the last few weeks. There's also no way of knowing the affair partner has moved on or if the DW in this post has actually moved on.

[Anonymous]

DTMF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself how good of a husband and Dad you were? If fabulous then you have the upper hand. How much custody to protect your children from their corrupt wife are you seeking?

I was a good husband. I am not even considering custody at this point. I would like to work on saving the marriage first.

It can't be saved. You have to pull the plug. Get some self-respect. Staying with a cheater is the ultimate demonstration of low value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. This will never work in the long run.

I am not there yet. I refuse to give up on my family and my wife. That does not mean that it is not a possibility in the future, just one I am hoping to avoid.

Why? She gave up on you, for years.

Exactly. She left you long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reverse the sexes and people here would be calling the husband scum, and telling the wife to take him for everything. No one would be asking if she was a good wife, etc.

She’s a cheater, always will be. Have some dignity and leave.

*snort

Reverse the sexes and the first page would have included at least two questions about OP's weight.

Let's not pretend misogyny isn't a thing on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices. [True]

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask? [Who cares. Doesn't matter. If they only did boring missionary vanilla PIV, she's still a cheater and you should still get divorced.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can bet that you are getting the sanitized, laundered version of the truth. Your wife is a liar.

+1

I have been in your place, OP. Twice. The first time I accepted the sanitized version because I wanted to believe it. That turns out to have been at best a fraction of the truth. At worst, the "confession" was a lie in and of itself.

Getting divorced from a cheater is hard. Being divorced from a cheater, though? It's great.

[Anonymous]

Op sounds like over-cooked noodle